Being Neurodivergent is the main reason I want to die

[captivebutterfly]

I have had a long and exhaustive battle with mental illness since I was placed in therapy age eight years old. I have a plethora of diagnosis, I take 15 medications daily to treat my mental health, and I have spent eight months in a psychiatric unit in the last year and a half. Despite all this, despite the crippling depression and anxiety I feel, despite the personality disorder I suffer with. I have tried dozens of medications and equally dozens of different therapies and treatment programmes - nothing works or helps. My biggest and most profound struggle in my life is being neurodivergent.

I have both Autism and ADHD.
My ADHD prevents me from being able to function for the most part, I struggle with remembering important self care necessities even with reminders and prompting. Things like showering, eating well, waking up at a reasonable time, all go to shit because of my ADHD. And I'm talking while I'm on the highest dose of my ADHD medication. Things were even worse before. My Autism is perhaps my biggest struggle, I can't work due to it. I can't interact with strangers, I can't follow simple instructions and complete tasks. Every job I have had in the past I have had to quit due to having meltdowns and panic attacks over not being able to process information or interact with customers. I struggle with noise sensitivities and I'm a naturally extremely anxious and agoraphobic person and those things combined make me not suited to most jobs. I guess I could venture into the world of remote working but honestly, I don't see myself ever being able to hold down a stable job. My disabilities also have impacted me romantically too, my dating life is non-existent, I have had a few relationships and they've always ended due to me being "too much to handle" (and I quote!), I am incredibly lonely. The only thing keeping me going is having wonderful friends, and for that I am thankful. But they cannot keep me alive forever when every day feels like torture.

I truly feel like this world was not built for people like me. People who are too disabled to work, to date, to have families. People who have mentally regressed and have the hobbies and interests of children despite being well into adulthood. I feel there's such a disconnect between myself and my friends, they all have successful relationships or careers or even children and I'm living like a 15 year old recluse despite being 26 years old. There is something so isolating about not knowing anyone that feels the way I do in my real life.

I truly believe there is only one way out of how I'm feeling, and that is to die and finally put an end to my misery.

 

[dragonofenvy]

Being born neurodiverse, yet being expected to be exactly like everyone else in a world not made for you is one of the worst things to happen. I was diagnosed with ASD and was always told that it makes me smart and incredible, but that I'd just need to "try a little harder" than everyone else but would be a very successful person and would run a successful business or something. It turns out you put in 10xs more than everyone else for almost nothing. It is terrible that this is the expectation put on you and it's no wonder you feel this way. I hope that someday you'll be free from your misery.

 

[2ndme]

im with you on ASD and ADHD and i just really want to know what it feels like to have a normal mind

 

[Sleeper System]

I would trade you my neuroverse capacity for a churro.
Like... give me a churro and you can have my fully functional brain and neural network.

You will quickly realize it's not all it's cracked up to be.
You'd be exchanging one hell for another.
Prospective. It's a bitch.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

35. Being told I have to wait 36 months for a diagnosis for autism. I think I've been masking for the past 24+ years. I do the opposite and hyperfocus. I'll sit down and do some art and won't stop until I've done the section and that usually involves not eating, drinking, etc. I did it with my business but it's burned me out to the point of depression. Plus I'm in the wrong industry - too many encounters with people but I'm good at it because lots of data and finance stuff is involved (dumb photo graphic memory).

I'm now confined to a room - do art when I have energy. Playing game to 100% completion, barely eating. Already tried talking to parents and a friend but I'm just lazy and don't want to do things apparently. The masses are neurotypical- the system is built for them.

Yes I agree - it's hell.
On a side note - as with most posts I've given up on people - I don't care who or what or situation. Animals - only thing that makes me feel even 0.05% at the moment. They don't do the stupid shite that people do.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Same. Fighting mental illness while autistic is a whole different beast than doing so while allistic.

 

[Tumblewillow]

Same. I ended up losing all my friends because I didnt realize I was being obnoxious talking too much about my issues. It's so humiliating to think about now, that it was so bad I had to be cut off and I was completely oblivious. I never meant to hurt or scare anyone. The guilt is unbearable.

I try to comfort myself that I've grown a lot of self awareness since then but now I'm too scared to talk to anyone at all incase I mess it up. I wish I was born different.

 

[Dead Ghost]

I too have a diagnosis of ASD-Asperger's, but considering that they invented the whole thing a few years ago and that it's really just an excuse to do nothing for us... it's really maddening since 2014 that the Asperger's doesn't exist anymore and I feel like I've been ripped off.
The TEA_Asperger is not a problem as I say, because it was just a label to group certain people who share certain common difficulties, and this among 8 billion inhabitants on planet Earth is a very simple task.

There are no biological markers that give it credibility and the root causes why there are people who have these difficulties cannot be extrapolated between the same people.

I don't fit into society, I have an anxiety disorder, I have OCD, I have ADHD (I guess), medication doesn't help, I have tantrums, I don't shower, I have a hard time cooking, I'm very nervous and wanting to cry.. every day is more difficult than the previous one.

But I know the origin of it all, and that is that if for some reason you somehow interrupt the development of social skills when you are very young, you will not be able, no matter how much you want to, to develop them as an adult. And I found this problem recently after 2 years because of the medication (not an Asperger label), it was no longer like the others.
Sustained anxiety, which I already had at the age of 2, led to OCD at the age of 7, which together with the hypersensitivity to anxiety and the repetitive patterns to calm myself defined what would be the rest of my life.

But to label someone as ASD-Asperger's as if it were the origin of everything is a mistake, because in truth it is just the final collection of everything you already had before and that has been accumulating since childhood.

This is why there are treatments that do not work for so many people, because the origins of the various conditions are different and the resulting mental disorders have different causes.

What I am clear about is that classic Autism has nothing to do with what they invented about Asperger's, in the same way that ASD-level 1 was only put there so as not to leave out all diagnosed people of Asperger's before.. I'm curious to know what they will do with the definition of ASD in the next version of DSM 6.

They have no shame, they made up a problem and made many people believe they were different because of Asperger's, and many have been trapped in this definition by the same obsessive personality traits that many of them share, denying them the possibility to solve their problems from another, more realistic perspective, since they maintain that you are neurodiverse/different and that nothing can be done about it.

//

Jo també tinc un diagnóstic de TEA-Asperger, però tenint en compte que s'ho van inventar tot fa uns anys i que realment només és una excusa per no fer res per nosaltres... fa ràbia, de debó, desde 2014 que el Asperger ja no existeix i tinc la sensació que m'han prés el pél.
El TEA_Asperger no es pas cap problema com dic, perque només era una etiqueta per agrupar a determinades persones que comparteixen unes dificultats determinades comunes, y això entre 8000 milions d'habitants al planeta Terra és una tasca molt senzilla.

No hi ha marcadors biólogics que li donin credibilitat i les causes d'origen per les quals hi ha persones que tenen aquestes dificultats no són extrapolables entre les mateixes persones.

Jo no encaixo en la societat, tinc un trastorn d'ansietat, tinc TOC, tinc TDAH (ho suposo), la medicació no m'ajuda, tinc atacs d'ira, no em dutxo, em costa molt de fer el menjar, estic molt nerviós i amb ganes de plorar.. cada día em costa més que l'anterior.

Però conec l'origen de tot plegat, i es que si per algún motiu interromps d'alguna manera el desenvolupament de les habilitats socials quan ets molt petit després no podràs, per molta voluntat que tinguis, desenvolupar-les de gran. I aquest problema me'l vaig trobar recent fets els 2 anys per culpa de la medicació (no d'una etiqueta Asperger), ja no era com els altres.
L'ansietat sostinguda, que ja portaba als 2 anys, va derivar en un TOC als 7 anys que junt amb la hipersensibilitat per l'ansietat i els patrons repetitius per a calmar-me van definir el que sería la resta de la meva vida.

Però etiquetar a algú com a TEA-Asperger com si fós l'origen de tot és un error, perque en veritat només és el recull final de tot el que ja tenies abans i que se n'ha anat acumulant desde ben petit.

És per això que hi han tractaments que no funcionen en tantes persones, perqué els origens de les diverses afeccions són diferents i els trastorns mentals que s'en deriven tenen causes diferents.

El que tinc clar es que l'Autisme clàssic no te res a veure amb el que es van inventar de l'Asperger, de la mateixa manera que el TEA-nivell 1 només el van posar per no deixar de banda a tota la gent diagnosticada d'Asperger amb anterioritat.. tinc curiositat per saber que faràn amb la definició del TEA a la propera versió del DSM 6.

No tenen vergonya, es van inventar un problema i van fer creure a moltes persones que eren diferents per l'Asperger, i moltes han quedat atrapades en aquesta definició per les mateixes característiques obsesives de personalitat que comparteixen moltes d'elles, negant-lis la posibilitat de resoldre els seus problemes desde una altra perspectiva més realista, ja que sostenen que ets neurodivers/diferent i que no s'hi pot fer res.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered so much, existence certainly is very cruel. But anyway best wishes.

 

[PetrichorBirth]

I have had a long and exhaustive battle with mental illness since I was placed in therapy age eight years old. I have a plethora of diagnosis, I take 15 medications daily to treat my mental health, and I have spent eight months in a psychiatric unit in the last year and a half. Despite all this, despite the crippling depression and anxiety I feel, despite the personality disorder I suffer with. I have tried dozens of medications and equally dozens of different therapies and treatment programmes - nothing works or helps. My biggest and most profound struggle in my life is being neurodivergent.

I have both Autism and ADHD.
My ADHD prevents me from being able to function for the most part, I struggle with remembering important self care necessities even with reminders and prompting. Things like showering, eating well, waking up at a reasonable time, all go to shit because of my ADHD. And I'm talking while I'm on the highest dose of my ADHD medication. Things were even worse before. My Autism is perhaps my biggest struggle, I can't work due to it. I can't interact with strangers, I can't follow simple instructions and complete tasks. Every job I have had in the past I have had to quit due to having meltdowns and panic attacks over not being able to process information or interact with customers. I struggle with noise sensitivities and I'm a naturally extremely anxious and agoraphobic person and those things combined make me not suited to most jobs. I guess I could venture into the world of remote working but honestly, I don't see myself ever being able to hold down a stable job. My disabilities also have impacted me romantically too, my dating life is non-existent, I have had a few relationships and they've always ended due to me being "too much to handle" (and I quote!), I am incredibly lonely. The only thing keeping me going is having wonderful friends, and for that I am thankful. But they cannot keep me alive forever when every day feels like torture.

I truly feel like this world was not built for people like me. People who are too disabled to work, to date, to have families. People who have mentally regressed and have the hobbies and interests of children despite being well into adulthood. I feel there's such a disconnect between myself and my friends, they all have successful relationships or careers or even children and I'm living like a 15 year old recluse despite being 26 years old. There is something so isolating about not knowing anyone that feels the way I do in my real life.

I truly believe there is only one way out of how I'm feeling, and that is to die and finally put an end to my misery.

I'm sorry. Wishing you lots of peace, and whatever you do in the meanwhile we'll be here for you

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

I only found out I've been on the spectrum for the whole life very recently. I'm in a desperate situation now, which causes a lot of fear and anxiety. I can only think of CTB now.

 

[DeletedUser]

Being born neurodiverse, yet being expected to be exactly like everyone else in a world not made for you is one of the worst things to happen. I was diagnosed with ASD and was always told that it makes me smart and incredible, but that I'd just need to "try a little harder" than everyone else but would be a very successful person and would run a successful business or something. It turns out you put in 10xs more than everyone else for almost nothing. It is terrible that this is the expectation put on you and it's no wonder you feel this way. I hope that someday you'll be free from your misery.

I was just about to comment something similar. I can understand that some people want to portray being neurodiverse in a positive light, especially when their own child is neurodivergent..But not everyone who is neurodiverse will automatically be a genius or supremely talented in something lol.

 

[damyon]

I have both Autism and ADHD.

I can totally feel you. My father is autistic, and my mother has ADHD, hahahaha . Who would have thought that it is possible to mix both of those diseases...

I wish I were a normie. My ADHD brain can somehow connect with normies due to impulsivity (i.e., reckless attitude that is sometimes funny), but as soon as a conversation starts, someone hits the autism switch in my brain, and I become "too calculating", "too reasonable", "too direct", or "not genuine",...
I cannot also have a fulfilling career due to being distracted all the time even when my autistic brain keeps trying (might be Asperger's, still autistic nonetheless).

It feels like you are stuck in a cage and cannot really make progress in either direction. I like how life gave me only 1 option to end this impasse

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

Having both ADHD and autism is incredibly hard - I feel like ADHD could be manageable but knowing there is both and there is no treatment for autism is just depressing me so much, and why I'm on this board. There's a lot to be anxious and angry about, but knowing there may not be treatment for autism is devastating. It feels like a death sentence to know you have this thing that may be unsolveable and no therapy or meds can 'fix'.

 

[captivebutterfly]

35. Being told I have to wait 36 months for a diagnosis for autism. I think I've been masking for the past 24+ years. I do the opposite and hyperfocus. I'll sit down and do some art and won't stop until I've done the section and that usually involves not eating, drinking, etc. I did it with my business but it's burned me out to the point of depression. Plus I'm in the wrong industry - too many encounters with people but I'm good at it because lots of data and finance stuff is involved (dumb photo graphic memory).

I'm now confined to a room - do art when I have energy. Playing game to 100% completion, barely eating. Already tried talking to parents and a friend but I'm just lazy and don't want to do things apparently. The masses are neurotypical- the system is built for them.

Yes I agree - it's hell.
On a side note - as with most posts I've given up on people - I don't care who or what or situation. Animals - only thing that makes me feel even 0.05% at the moment. They don't do the stupid shite that people do.

I'm sorry you're finding it rough at the moment. I definitely relate to animals being the only thing that bring comfort - I don't know what I'd do without my two cats.

Same. I ended up losing all my friends because I didnt realize I was being obnoxious talking too much about my issues. It's so humiliating to think about now, that it was so bad I had to be cut off and I was completely oblivious. I never meant to hurt or scare anyone. The guilt is unbearable.

I try to comfort myself that I've grown a lot of self awareness since then but now I'm too scared to talk to anyone at all incase I mess it up. I wish I was born different.

The last line I relate to so hard. I wish I was born different too and I'm sorry you feel the same way.

Having both ADHD and autism is incredibly hard - I feel like ADHD could be manageable but knowing there is both and there is no treatment for autism is just depressing me so much, and why I'm on this board. There's a lot to be anxious and angry about, but knowing there may not be treatment for autism is devastating. It feels like a death sentence to know you have this thing that may be unsolveable and no therapy or meds can 'fix'.

Yes I feel that too. ADHD is a pain to live with, don't get me wrong, but to know there is just no treatment available for autism feels like a curse at times.

 

[theboy]

I hear you, being neurodivergent is horrible.

 

[looking4partner]

Yes, I believe I have extreme anxiety, panic and social anxiety because of this. I also have physical health issues more common in autism and it's probably the reason for my hypersensitivity to medications that injured me in a traumatizing way and led to the development of other rare neurological disorders that happen to people who have a hard time recognizing their own emotions and whose brain connections are weaker/wires get crossed in certain areas. I also hate how I can tell that people are constantly annoyed with me even when I'm doing something simple like calling a store to ask questions over the phone. Without it, I don't think I would have as many interactions like that where people seem annoyed but I don't know why and I'm trying my hardest to word things perfectly so they don't come across offensive