Venting Being indecise is my creed

[doomedtoroam]

This is my first post on this website and i don't really know how to talk on here so please be nice. ^^

I wish i wasn't so indecise about dying or not dying. Most of the time i use "i'm going to die anyway" to cope, and there are some minutes where i feel like i do have my place on this planet. But then all of it gets crushed. I think i'm too lazy to do anything... life is just get a job and work until you die. I have no motivation to keep going, i always want to stay inside in bed all day. I ended a work contract and now i have no post-graduation diplomas since i can't bring myself to study, i feel like i have nothing worth adding to the world whatsoever.

Most days i look at myself in the mirror and i can't even recognize myself... I look at old pictures of myself and i miss myself. But i can't even remember when i didn't have something bad going on in my life. The worst thing is that nothing i went through is even that bad.

I don't think i can live with myself much longer and i don't want to get locked in somewhere and cost anything to my family. The best bet i see is to ctb, but i don't want to hurt my family more than it is. I don't have any friends either... So i feel condemned to life.

I wish i wasn't cowardly enough to actually do it. I wish i thought about myself enough so i could just ctb without thinking of them... i wish i didn't care about other people. This is really the only thing holding me back. If i didn't, i think i wouldn't be here anymore..

 

[Akanea]

It is perfectly normal to be indecisive about dying, this is probably the biggest decision that you can take, "To be or not to be, that is the question" to quote my bro Shakespeare. Take your time, evaluate each possible choices then try to reach an answer. You may never reach it and that's okay, a lot of people never do, but as long as you question yourself you cannot be described as a coward, even more so because you hesitate to not hurt your family.
Also, in a lot of countries, if you have a genuine mental issue, psych ward won't bill your family and it can be helpful to have a very solid mental help for a while with experts, you obviously don't need to stay there for long as you seems to have a deep mental block but no debilitating illness that make you unable to function. Do you have any free mental help in your country, even by phone?

 

[doomedtoroam]

"To be or not to be, that is the question" to quote my bro Shakespeare.

HAHA, i was about to write to be or to ctb... ^^

Do you have any free mental help in your country, even by phone?

There are multiple things like free numbers i can call... and my family isn't rich so some therapists and mental health centers offer free services...

i have background with them but i ghosted them because I didn't have the energy to waste my day off every week to go and see them (i had a 4 day schedule with wednesday off). They put me on their priority list but they also fed me meds that didn't work... and i didn't feel like the sessions were helping me.

All i want to know is what is wrong with me, is there any word to describe how i feel cause i feel like i belong nowhere dammit!! I had a wonderful psychiatrist at the beginning who accompanied me through my first hospitalization, but then she had to move to another part of the land... i was left with bad meds either making me a zombie or giving me horrible rashes... or lingering conversations that don't go anywhere because sometimes i really don't want to get better...

Either way thank you for answering... i'm not used to talking about death so freely. ^^

 

[Akanea]

Either way thank you for answering... i'm not used to talking about death so freely. ^^

No worries we are here to help!

fed me meds that didn't work.

Yeah different meds acts on different pathways in the brain, it is a guessing game to find which pathways is the best to help, I had to change meds and change quantity for it to start working.

I had a wonderful psychiatrist at the beginning who accompanied me through my first hospitalization, but then she had to move to another part of the land...

Yeah finding a good doc can be annoying, but it's great that you had a good experience first with a psychiatrist, sometimes it's like you have to shop around until you find one who just click with you. If you want to know exactly what is going on and put a name on what your symptoms are you will have to find another good psychiatrist to talk to…

anyway welcome welcome!

 

[doomedtoroam]

If you want to know exactly what is going on and put a name on what your symptoms are you will have to find another good psychiatrist to talk to…

And this is really hard... because my latest psychiatrist didn't even care much about my issues, he just gave me meds and called it a day... meds that i had to quit by myself due to bad rashes that they said to "just tolerate". I continued to have bad itchy issues months after i stopped HAHA.)

At this point i don't even know if i fit somewhere, if i have a word to even describe myself. I used to self-diagnose as multiple things but now i stopped, and i think i'm losing the slight hope i have to fit in society, even as someone with mental problems... ^^'