I wasted some time for the poem thread. So this one will be shorter.
I struggle with college exercises. I hate the topic, I have a lot of self-hatred and self-doubts. I suffer a lot of the imposter syndrome. Recently it is as severe so that I explain some people who are close to me how dumb and shallow I am. Just to continue to act like the wanna-be smartass that pretends to be very smart. I am very harsh to myself. And I barely can cope with the pain that this causes. I fear to relapse because perfectionism is crippling to me.
I am very good at: being thoughtful, being articulate, ruminating and worrying. I am good at politics but no expert. I try to become very educated on one political topic and currently it is the Ukraine war. Moreover I am good at finding ideas for threads.
However I won't be able to get a stable income with any of these talents. I lack the emotional stability and resilience to even hold a halftime job.
I wish I would be an expert in one certain niche. I know a lot about David Foster Wallace though I lack the knowledge about art to evaluate his literature properly.
On the other hand it needs huge amount of resources to become an expert on one certain topic and this time is lacking for general topics to think about. It is januesfaced and comes with a lot of struggles one has to overcome. I am mentally just not repared for that. I am conscientious as fuck but also neurotic in an extreme form.
Can you relate to the desire of wanting to be a master in something? I often wish I was more intelligent however I try to be a good person instead because I will never reach the education/ intelligence level I am aiming for. As David Foster Wallace said (the last part)
"If you worship money and things — if they are where you tap real meaning in life — then you will never have enough. Never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your own body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly, and when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally plant you. On one level, we all know this stuff already — it's been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, bromides, epigrams, parables: the skeleton of every great story. The trick is keeping the truth up-front in daily consciousness. Worship power — you will feel weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to keep the fear at bay. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart — you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. And so on."
I struggle with college exercises. I hate the topic, I have a lot of self-hatred and self-doubts. I suffer a lot of the imposter syndrome. Recently it is as severe so that I explain some people who are close to me how dumb and shallow I am. Just to continue to act like the wanna-be smartass that pretends to be very smart. I am very harsh to myself. And I barely can cope with the pain that this causes. I fear to relapse because perfectionism is crippling to me.
I am very good at: being thoughtful, being articulate, ruminating and worrying. I am good at politics but no expert. I try to become very educated on one political topic and currently it is the Ukraine war. Moreover I am good at finding ideas for threads.
However I won't be able to get a stable income with any of these talents. I lack the emotional stability and resilience to even hold a halftime job.
I wish I would be an expert in one certain niche. I know a lot about David Foster Wallace though I lack the knowledge about art to evaluate his literature properly.
On the other hand it needs huge amount of resources to become an expert on one certain topic and this time is lacking for general topics to think about. It is januesfaced and comes with a lot of struggles one has to overcome. I am mentally just not repared for that. I am conscientious as fuck but also neurotic in an extreme form.
Can you relate to the desire of wanting to be a master in something? I often wish I was more intelligent however I try to be a good person instead because I will never reach the education/ intelligence level I am aiming for. As David Foster Wallace said (the last part)
"If you worship money and things — if they are where you tap real meaning in life — then you will never have enough. Never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your own body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly, and when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally plant you. On one level, we all know this stuff already — it's been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, bromides, epigrams, parables: the skeleton of every great story. The trick is keeping the truth up-front in daily consciousness. Worship power — you will feel weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to keep the fear at bay. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart — you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. And so on."
