Venting Being depressed is so humiliating

[StrawberryRed]

I recently signed up for a medical trial on the effects of exercise on depression/the brain- so taking mris of my brain and stuff. For the trial I obviously have to talk about my depression and give detailed descriptions about how I feel an dhow I've felt in the past. ( therye paying me a good amount of money). This has made me realize how EMBARRASSED i am to be depressed. I thought I didnt want to tell people cause they wouldn't be able to help me, but its actually because its literally the most painful excruciating experience ever.

The whole time im thinking " Why cant I just be normal?". Everyone else has issues too, yet im the one that cant handle it. Its pathetic really, the smallest things happen and I lose my shit!! All the ways I feel and the thing I think are so cliche and dumb. I need to get over myself. Yet I cant. I'm stuck in the same loop, year after year while everyone else moves on and grows. At least if I kms the shame would stop. So many of the negative traits I hate in myself are directly caused by my depression. So talking about feels like im telling the whole world I'm just the fucking worst, so insufferable. I know deep down its a disorder that I cant help but still. How does anyone get comfortable enough to fully talk about this stuff?

 

[astr4]

if you're gonna get money anyways would you consider just lying? everyone parrots the "exercise makes you less depressed" anyways. not saying it's the most ethical thing but "yeah exercise made me happy woo!!" doesn't seem like the worst lie ever. but yeah it sucks there's so much shame wrapped up in depression. and that voice in your head that says everyone is judging you… it's tough.

 

[Nightfoot]

I wouldn't lie as that would skew and at least partially invalidate the results. Everyone else in the study is experiencing depression as well. None of us asked to be depressed and there are lots of reasons people suffer from it, not all of them under our control. You have nothing to be ashamed of, even if it doesn't feel that way. I hope you can find some relief and feel better.

 

[apearl]

I'm sorry you feel that way about yourself, I know how bad it feels and I really hope you can find some ways to cope that makes life even a little bit easier. I know it can be easy to write off mental health as not a big struggle but look where we all are right now, a suicide forum, mental illness kills people and I don't think it gets any more serious then that. Please try to give yourself some grace, what your going through is a lot. And even if some people have it worse then you doesn't discount the impact this is having on your life.

sometimes for me I get caught up trying to hate-myself out of my depression but I don't think it works like that, I'm still working on trying to fix it.