Venting A rant about my depressive thoughts

[Baron]

I've kind of come to terms with life ultimately being meaningless and with the fact that I dont want to kill myself yet, but I often still have depressive days or phases, like now. I think about my miserable life, about killing myself. I feel like I keep supressing these depressive feelings until a trigger causes them to burst out.And then I just lie in my bed, crying for hours contemplating life. Like how I am surrounded by so many amazing people while being the most miserable looser. I doubt these thoughts will ever stop at this point. Today is especially bad again, wich is why I write this text, really helps me process my feelings better. In the past I was easily able to cry and let out my feelings when I felt like it and was alone. Today I felt the same triggers, I was sad already for a couple days, lack of sleep, hardly any social interactions recently. And I just could not start crying for a while. It took me 15minutes to finally get going. I wonder if I am supressing my depressive thoughts so hard, that it becomes harder to let my feelings out. Thank you for reading.
How do you deal with depressive thoughts?

 

[Nightfoot]

I distract myself, but, because of my depression there's only a couple of ways I can and even those get boring sometimes.