Being casual about a suicide attempt

[RosesAndMoons]

I don't really know what to tag this because it's really just me rambling but like- i tried to end my life last night and i still feel the effects. In the end i backed out because it hurt but yeah. My friends (all long distance) were of course worried sick and scolded me but i just hate hearing this. So today i told my step sister everything and it felt so good. She didnt shame or scold me for it but she was truly supportive. She was casual about it and just let me talk while eventually joining in to agree with my struggles and gossip about them with me (meaning my father and step mother because their way of "helping" is telling me i'm a failure) and it felt so good not having to hide this. I tried talking about it casually with my friends and while one was sort of casual the others scolded me again to not do this again etc etc. As if making me feel guilty would help. For context, idk if it's my autism but usually words have no meaning to me. I need certain indicators to know if something's meant positively or negatively. However due to self hatred that's been building up my entire life everything empty will turned into something negative against me. It's just my head trying to make sense of shit it doesnt understand. This empty words thing is espacially fun since i've been in therapy ever since 2018 and was in a psych ward for half a year and it didnt do shit became doesn't help. I told all of this my sister and she understood. She even suggested to find a way to find help that doesnt involve talking in a way normal therapy does. Then she proceeded to tell me that once my dad and step mom are back from vacation we'll all sit down together and tell them about the events of last night except since i have trouble speaking my mind and my dad has the temper of a pipe bomb she'll do the talking to me and kill off any attmepts of him yelling at me and both him and my step mother berating me. Then she made me promise to never try this again.
I don't know if i can or even want to keep that promise, death is still way more appealing than struggling in this world i don't fit into, but at least for the moment i feel safe with her.

 

[Death is my goal]

tbh that's not something you can casually talk to with your friends, if they scolded you once why bring it again? it does more harm than good

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm glad you have your step sister. She sounds like a rock. Yes- I do actually know what you mean I think. Someone just letting you talk and reacting calmly can feel better than someone reacting emotionally. I think- because they actually listen- rather than just react. I hope the conversation goes well with your parents. It sounds good that she will be there to try and keep everything calm.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be awful what you've had to endure, failing ctb is exactly what I would fear. But anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.