Story Being at peace is key

[breezyjelly]

Nothing groundbreaking to say here, just felt like sharing, but being at peace with ctb is so crucial. Do not attempt to ctb on a whim. Impulsivity will not reap favorable results.

I had intense ideation in April/May and was certain I was going to ctb this year, but then I felt so guilty because it was both my parents' and my sister's birthdays in May and I didn't want to ruin that time for them. I also felt guilty for whatever possible sadness they might feel. So, I decided to check myself into a psych unit instead. I felt exactly one month of relief and then the ideation came back, so here I am again, BUT this time I'm positive ctb is the way forward. I'm much calmer about my decision (I mean it's been 20 years of BPD mixed with addiction and ideation, I'm 34/F btw), and five months of proper planning, and my decision is not making me anxious anymore. And I guess, that's all I want to say, this time around I'm at peace with my decision to ctb. I don't cry about it anymore, I know that it's the only way I'll get lasting peace. I'm also sure it's not my condition talking, since my new meds have me pretty balanced.

I have a method (SN), range of time (I'm not setting a definite date, trying to mind trick myself into not chickening out), and a to-do checklist, and most importantly a clear head.

So, yes. If ctb is making you extremely anxious and you doubt your decision, think it through first, sit with it for a while. Being at peace with your decision will also help you think clearly of everything you need to do and prepare to successfully ctb.

 

[FuneralCry]

I imagine it must be a relief to feel more at peace, I wish you the best.

 

[esistzeit]

Thank you for this post.

I have everything ready (SN too) but I keep on postponing it; I did it today again. I don't know what the heck I'm waiting for because nothing good's gonna happen. I think it's just cowardice, which is typical of me.

Maybe I'll need a bit of time for my mind to let go of all my unachieved dreams. I hope it doesn't take long.

 

[Jarni]

thank you for your post, it is really important

 

[fvckfamily]

Nothing groundbreaking to say here, just felt like sharing, but being at peace with ctb is so crucial. Do not attempt to ctb on a whim. Impulsivity will not reap favorable results.

I had intense ideation in April/May and was certain I was going to ctb this year, but then I felt so guilty because it was both my parents' and my sister's birthdays in May and I didn't want to ruin that time for them. I also felt guilty for whatever possible sadness they might feel. So, I decided to check myself into a psych unit instead. I felt exactly one month of relief and then the ideation came back, so here I am again, BUT this time I'm positive ctb is the way forward. I'm much calmer about my decision (I mean it's been 20 years of BPD mixed with addiction and ideation, I'm 34/F btw), and five months of proper planning, and my decision is not making me anxious anymore. And I guess, that's all I want to say, this time around I'm at peace with my decision to ctb. I don't cry about it anymore, I know that it's the only way I'll get lasting peace. I'm also sure it's not my condition talking, since my new meds have me pretty balanced.

I have a method (SN), range of time (I'm not setting a definite date, trying to mind trick myself into not chickening out), and a to-do checklist, and most importantly a clear head.

So, yes. If ctb is making you extremely anxious and you doubt your decision, think it through first, sit with it for a while. Being at peace with your decision will also help you think clearly of everything you need to do and prepare to successfully ctb.

I went through exactly what you went through, and if you don't feel at peace, you won't be able to do it.