Story Being at peace is key

[breezyjelly]

Nothing groundbreaking to say here, just felt like sharing, but being at peace with ctb is so crucial. Do not attempt to ctb on a whim. Impulsivity will not reap favorable results.

I had intense ideation in April/May and was certain I was going to ctb this year, but then I felt so guilty because it was both my parents' and my sister's birthdays in May and I didn't want to ruin that time for them. I also felt guilty for whatever possible sadness they might feel. So, I decided to check myself into a psych unit instead. I felt exactly one month of relief and then the ideation came back, so here I am again, BUT this time I'm positive ctb is the way forward. I'm much calmer about my decision (I mean it's been 20 years of BPD mixed with addiction and ideation, I'm 34/F btw), and five months of proper planning, and my decision is not making me anxious anymore. And I guess, that's all I want to say, this time around I'm at peace with my decision to ctb. I don't cry about it anymore, I know that it's the only way I'll get lasting peace. I'm also sure it's not my condition talking, since my new meds have me pretty balanced.

I have a method (SN), range of time (I'm not setting a definite date, trying to mind trick myself into not chickening out), and a to-do checklist, and most importantly a clear head.

So, yes. If ctb is making you extremely anxious and you doubt your decision, think it through first, sit with it for a while. Being at peace with your decision will also help you think clearly of everything you need to do and prepare to successfully ctb.

 

[FuneralCry]

I imagine it must be a relief to feel more at peace, I wish you the best.

 

[esistzeit]

Thank you for this post.

I have everything ready (SN too) but I keep on postponing it; I did it today again. I don't know what the heck I'm waiting for because nothing good's gonna happen. I think it's just cowardice, which is typical of me.

Maybe I'll need a bit of time for my mind to let go of all my unachieved dreams. I hope it doesn't take long.

 

[Jarni]

thank you for your post, it is really important

 

[fvckfamily]

Nothing groundbreaking to say here, just felt like sharing, but being at peace with ctb is so crucial. Do not attempt to ctb on a whim. Impulsivity will not reap favorable results.

I had intense ideation in April/May and was certain I was going to ctb this year, but then I felt so guilty because it was both my parents' and my sister's birthdays in May and I didn't want to ruin that time for them. I also felt guilty for whatever possible sadness they might feel. So, I decided to check myself into a psych unit instead. I felt exactly one month of relief and then the ideation came back, so here I am again, BUT this time I'm positive ctb is the way forward. I'm much calmer about my decision (I mean it's been 20 years of BPD mixed with addiction and ideation, I'm 34/F btw), and five months of proper planning, and my decision is not making me anxious anymore. And I guess, that's all I want to say, this time around I'm at peace with my decision to ctb. I don't cry about it anymore, I know that it's the only way I'll get lasting peace. I'm also sure it's not my condition talking, since my new meds have me pretty balanced.

I have a method (SN), range of time (I'm not setting a definite date, trying to mind trick myself into not chickening out), and a to-do checklist, and most importantly a clear head.

So, yes. If ctb is making you extremely anxious and you doubt your decision, think it through first, sit with it for a while. Being at peace with your decision will also help you think clearly of everything you need to do and prepare to successfully ctb.

I went through exactly what you went through, and if you don't feel at peace, you won't be able to do it.

 

[El_Jefe]

I'm at peace with my decision I'm just scared my method won't work

 

[newjourney]

Similar to me, I've been seriously planning for around 6months and also considered the same things which delayed yours (family birthdays etc). I've decided to do it in the month I was born (next month) and have cut all ties with friends and family. Hoping to just stay out of contact with anyone and go quietly.

I've accepted it fully but still get emotional at times. This is mostly when getting nostalgic or replaying memories back but not about it ending if that makes sense.

 

[Gangrel]

Love your words.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

I'll never be at peace and I have to do it anyway. I hope other people find theirs one way or the other.

 

[Timothy7dff]

I agree. If there's legitmate hope left, then SI becomes a factor. When you've done your best in life, prayed, and there is still no real hope, CTB becomes a fairly simple decision.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

I'm always at peace when I think about CTB, I just don't want SI to kick in when I do it and for me to think "what have I done"-because of the pain/fear not that I'll regret missing out on life by cutting it short (that'd never happen!) but I was just pondering the other day after reading some near death experiences (not just suicide but illnesses etc.) and people describe a type of peace at some point when they're dying where they don't care anymore and are happy to go. I wonder if everyone experiences this just before death? Excluding traumatic injury type deaths of course.

I think it must be when the body/mind finally comes to an acceptance because it knows there is no fighting it anymore. Like how very old people will just stop eating and the body knows to shut down. Quite fascinating when you consider it's so innate to try and escape death in all other circumstances. The people that ended up being saved just in time now seem to not be scared of death at all. Sorry I'm probably going a bit off topic to your original meaning of being at peace! I just really hope I get to experience that feeling before I go.

 

[kyhoti]

I'm pretty sure that open and honest acceptance is an integral part of finding peace. Thanks to the OP and the other responders. I feel just a little more peace about CTB.

 

[El_Jefe]

I'm a peace with my decision and reading everyone post makes me feel like one will know when its their time .

 

[lnlybnny]

This. I don't think this is talked about enough. Thank you. Being at peace is indeed SO crucial. Lately I've been feeling very anxious at the thought of having to do it right away due to personal circumstances and it isn't helping at all. Even though I know this is the way I should go there still comes ''hopeful feelings'' that I shouldn't be having. This happens because I know good surprises come and go in life. They really happen, even if there are also the downs. But I didn't earn the right to be here in this world because I don't fit in anywhere so maybe I shouldn't feel entitled to live ''these experiences''.

I desperately need to find a way to be at peace with the decision, but it's not easy. It feels like the more pressure you feel by circumstances the harder it gets to go through with feeling peace. I feel I don't have the time to properly prepare but at the same time if I don't it's gonna spoil everything. I just know SI will kick in hard if I try to ctb with these feelings of uneasiness. I'm gonna try to sit with the idea each day as much as possible in order to find some peace, but not just through vague thoughts like I did in the past 10 years since it's unproductive, I have to take action, write everything down, buy the kit. But even getting rid of things is so difficult for me, almost unfathomable, and buying the kit gets me anxious too. My brain gets fried just at the thought of it.

I'm very confused and don't know what to do. Before I used to think ctb was much easier, ''just go with it''. Turns out it is not like this at all! When you give the idea the logic/reasonable approach rather than dealing with it emotionally you realize there needs to be careful preparation and it is indeed the most difficult thing anyone can ever do. I admire people who are able to do it so much, especially the ones who do it on a whim (of course it can be done, but I think they are a minority). I wish I had found about this website years ago, maybe I'd be much more prepared by now.