Venting being aroace makes me suicidal

[fleurdelune]

title... there are plenty of other things that contribute to my feeling like an alien on the wrong planet, but not experiencing what seems like such a fundamental aspect of being a human (i.e., any interest whatsoever in sex and romance) is really lonely at times (all the time, actually). i just saw someone liken the asexual/aromantic experience to being the only person who isn't in on a species-wide inside joke, which is a darn good analogy, imho. and now i'm sad again.

it feels like i lack the one passionate human thing that some other depressed people seem to retain despite the anhedonia. i know depression often comes with a reduced libido, but even a tiny bit of sexual or romantic desire is still *something* that might keep someone going... and i have absolutely none of any of that and i don't think i ever really have, even now that i'm at the normally horny (?) age of 21. i just fucking hate it sometimes. it's just one more part of me that is defective.

it's also weird because i think i do desire some kind of deep human connection, but it's not what everybody else seems to experience. since i was in middle school, i've had these really, really intense fixations on women and men (always authority figures -- when i was younger it was teachers and therapists; now it's professors, superiors at work, etc.) that just about take over my life all while not being sexual or even romantic in nature. it's more like i just want to be their friend really bad... or maybe their child, to be honest. i think i have mommy and daddy issues. i want to be comforted and heard by people who i perceive as kind and caring and safe, as pathetic as it is for me to type out :**) and it's kind of silly because deep down i don't believe having people like that around will fix me. fuck!!

anyways, the point of this incoherent rant is for me to maybe commiserate with other aces on here (if you're out there). please do let me know if you, too, feel developmentally stunted due to your lack of sexual or romantic desire... although i'd also like to hear from people who've come to peace with being aro and/or ace because i'm curious as to how you got to that point. i don't knowwww. my fuckass sexual orientation (or lack thereof) has just been bothering me a lot lately. it's so isolating

thank you for taking time out of your day to read my word vomit :)

 

[Signal]

Yeah, in general it's a pretty difficult thing to deal with, and the common person doesn't make it any easier, it's already difficult for two people to understand each other, just imagine how difficult it is if one of those two disagrees on something that has been basically decided by the common masses as an integral part of being human. But that's the thing, just because most people have decided that something is normal or acceptable doesn't make it an objective truth. So no, you're not an alien just because you don't want what the 90% wants, your brain is not broken, and you're not defective, you're as much a human being as any of them will ever be, even if it doesn't feel like that sometimes. There's nothing fundamental about sex or romance, I mean, who even decides that? Biology? Society? The masses? Fuck all those things. All of that is worthless. Humans are not such simple creatures that you could throw them all into a single bag and call it a day. We are so complex that the "fundamental human experience" is completely different for every single one of us. And if something is so vague, subjective and ambiguous like that, then why should it even matter? Why should you give a shit about that? About not having a "fundamental aspect" of being human? The only constant and fundamental thing here is that we are all different, to the point that it's almost impossible for two different people to completely understand each other, that's how different and unique we humans are from each other. Or well, at least that's what I think, you don't have to take what I say as the truth. Maybe the IS a real "fundamental human experience" and we're all freaks of nature and society, but, come on, what has nature or society even done for you anyway. At the very least, if it comes to that, we can be freaks together, that would be so bad, would it?

I, for the most part, have come to terms with being aromantic. Somehow, after some suffering I have stoped caring about it at all. Because, at the end of the day, things like that are just tags, you know? I mean, im not even sure if I'm really aromantic to begin with, or if I was always like this, or if I will be
like this forever, because things like sexuality and all that other stuff is just really complex and messy and ugly. It's so complex in fact that, at least personally, I don't believe language can make it justice to begin with, the best we humans could come up with are tags like "bisexual" "asexual" "pansexual" "aromantic" etc, etc, etc, but at the end of the day that's all they are, just tags, and really inaccurate tags in my opinion. So, at least personally, I don't even give much importance to them to begin with, I mean, they have their usefulness but, you shouldn't let them dictate your life, or what you do, or how you feel about yourself. At least that's what I think.

I may consider myself an aromantic right now, because it's the more accurate thing I can describe my brain with, I have never had a partner or fallen in love with some, or even have a crush to begin with. Even if in my mind, the idea of being with someone doesn't sound that bad, when it comes to real life I just can't help it but think of that as a huge chore, and so, in all my 22 years of life I have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, ever.

But, as I said, I don't know if I'll stay like this forever, maybe I'll change, maybe I won't, to be honest, it doesn't really matter to me, I'm fine either way. Because, you see, even if you don't have a partner, well, that's not all there is to life. I mean, you yourself said you want some deep human connection, even if it doesn't come in the way of a partner, well, it's fine. You can have that, there's also friends, other people, family, fraternal love, shit I don't know, literally anything else, the world is not just romance and sex, even if that's what some people tell you. And even if you don't have anything of that and you're truly completely alone, well, that's a whole other can of worms right? You being AroAce wouldn't have that much to do with that.

So, well, I don't even remember what was my point with this huge rant. Just, well, you're not wrong, okay? You're not defective or broken or anything like that for wanting what you want or for not wanting what you don't want. You're just, well, you're just you. That's all there is to it, really. There was never an species wide inside joke you were left out of, you just, I don't know, not find it funny? Or some other clever remark I can't think of right now, you were never outside of anything, you're still part of the group and you will always be, as much as I am still part of the group, or everyone else on this website. I don't know, something like that? Definitely sounded better inside my head but, yeah.

 

[Captain laser]

ive seen it compared to if everyone wouldnt shut up about the minions and said they needed minions to live, and yeah.

 

[lonelygirl1]

Yeah, for me I really don't wish that I experienced romantic/sexual attraction, I just wish other people didn't. Romantic attraction seems so illogical and awful to me, I just don't understand why people do it. Like you're gonna prioritize someone new over all your existing friends who you're supposed to care about just because you're attracted to someone? It's so unfair to me and makes me nervous to really be friends with anyone. Like I wish I could just be friends with people normally like when I was a kid without having to worry that I'll suddenly be made less important because of some guy they randomly meet one day :(

 

[heal]

I became aroace leaning during my mid-twenties due to hormonal changes, and I honestly wish I was always this way. Chasing affection and desire brought so much rejection and pain into my life, and I feel so much happier now that these impulses have left me. These things were so difficult for me to regulate in a healthy way, often being either too little or not enough. There are so many people deeply dissatisfied with their love and sex lives or lack thereof, and also those that become consumed by these things as vices to the point it can ruin lives. For me, having those impulses was tortuous, and the pleasures they offered me were not worth the inverse pain I felt when things failed to work out.

 

[fleurdelune]

Yeah, in general it's a pretty difficult thing to deal with, and the common person doesn't make it any easier, it's already difficult for two people to understand each other, just imagine how difficult it is if one of those two disagrees on something that has been basically decided by the common masses as an integral part of being human. But that's the thing, just because most people have decided that something is normal or acceptable doesn't make it an objective truth. So no, you're not an alien just because you don't want what the 90% wants, your brain is not broken, and you're not defective, you're as much a human being as any of them will ever be, even if it doesn't feel like that sometimes. There's nothing fundamental about sex or romance, I mean, who even decides that? Biology? Society? The masses? Fuck all those things. All of that is worthless. Humans are not such simple creatures that you could throw them all into a single bag and call it a day. We are so complex that the "fundamental human experience" is completely different for every single one of us. And if something is so vague, subjective and ambiguous like that, then why should it even matter? Why should you give a shit about that? About not having a "fundamental aspect" of being human? The only constant and fundamental thing here is that we are all different, to the point that it's almost impossible for two different people to completely understand each other, that's how different and unique we humans are from each other. Or well, at least that's what I think, you don't have to take what I say as the truth. Maybe the IS a real "fundamental human experience" and we're all freaks of nature and society, but, come on, what has nature or society even done for you anyway. At the very least, if it comes to that, we can be freaks together, that would be so bad, would it?

I, for the most part, have come to terms with being aromantic. Somehow, after some suffering I have stoped caring about it at all. Because, at the end of the day, things like that are just tags, you know? I mean, im not even sure if I'm really aromantic to begin with, or if I was always like this, or if I will be
like this forever, because things like sexuality and all that other stuff is just really complex and messy and ugly. It's so complex in fact that, at least personally, I don't believe language can make it justice to begin with, the best we humans could come up with are tags like "bisexual" "asexual" "pansexual" "aromantic" etc, etc, etc, but at the end of the day that's all they are, just tags, and really inaccurate tags in my opinion. So, at least personally, I don't even give much importance to them to begin with, I mean, they have their usefulness but, you shouldn't let them dictate your life, or what you do, or how you feel about yourself. At least that's what I think.

I may consider myself an aromantic right now, because it's the more accurate thing I can describe my brain with, I have never had a partner or fallen in love with some, or even have a crush to begin with. Even if in my mind, the idea of being with someone doesn't sound that bad, when it comes to real life I just can't help it but think of that as a huge chore, and so, in all my 22 years of life I have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, ever.

But, as I said, I don't know if I'll stay like this forever, maybe I'll change, maybe I won't, to be honest, it doesn't really matter to me, I'm fine either way. Because, you see, even if you don't have a partner, well, that's not all there is to life. I mean, you yourself said you want some deep human connection, even if it doesn't come in the way of a partner, well, it's fine. You can have that, there's also friends, other people, family, fraternal love, shit I don't know, literally anything else, the world is not just romance and sex, even if that's what some people tell you. And even if you don't have anything of that and you're truly completely alone, well, that's a whole other can of worms right? You being AroAce wouldn't have that much to do with that.

So, well, I don't even remember what was my point with this huge rant. Just, well, you're not wrong, okay? You're not defective or broken or anything like that for wanting what you want or for not wanting what you don't want. You're just, well, you're just you. That's all there is to it, really. There was never an species wide inside joke you were left out of, you just, I don't know, not find it funny? Or some other clever remark I can't think of right now, you were never outside of anything, you're still part of the group and you will always be, as much as I am still part of the group, or everyone else on this website. I don't know, something like that? Definitely sounded better inside my head but, yeah.

thank you so much for this :] all the sexuality and attraction stuff that we're confronted with on a daily basis is really complicated and maybe we're just hyper-aware of that complexity.....

and re: that last sentence, it sounds just fine outside of your head!!

 

[fleurdelune]

ive seen it compared to if everyone wouldnt shut up about the minions and said they needed minions to live, and yeah.

god i hate those lil fuckers (not really)

Yeah, for me I really don't wish that I experienced romantic/sexual attraction, I just wish other people didn't. Romantic attraction seems so illogical and awful to me, I just don't understand why people do it. Like you're gonna prioritize someone new over all your existing friends who you're supposed to care about just because you're attracted to someone? It's so unfair to me and makes me nervous to really be friends with anyone. Like I wish I could just be friends with people normally like when I was a kid without having to worry that I'll suddenly be made less important because of some guy they randomly meet one day :(

yes!! now that i think about it, i don't think i would mind if everyone else stopped experiencing romantic/sexual attraction either... the rare instances where i'm grateful to be aroace are brought on mostly by me not liking what attraction does to other people's minds. it's kind of like how i'm sometimes grateful to have grown up without a father because i've seen how shitty other women's dads (and men in general) are (but maybe this analogy only makes sense to me lol)

I became aroace leaning during my mid-twenties due to hormonal changes, and I honestly wish I was always this way. Chasing affection and desire brought so much rejection and pain into my life, and I feel so much happier now that these impulses have left me. These things were so difficult for me to regulate in a healthy way, often being either too little or not enough. There are so many people deeply dissatisfied with their love and sex lives or lack thereof, and also those that become consumed by these things as vices to the point it can ruin lives. For me, having those impulses was tortuous, and the pleasures they offered me were not worth the inverse pain I felt when things failed to work out.

i'm sorry you struggled so much when you were allo :( the fact that it doesn't bother us to not be having sex or in a relationship is definitely an upside to being aroace, even though being aroace comes with different struggles (for some people, at least).

 

[CookedRamen]

Just want to chip in and share how much I relate to this. I'm not aromantic. Just asexual. But in this world it doesn't really matter. No one I've ever met is interested in a romantic relationship without sex. And I am sex neutral so if I really am close to someone and trust them I'll consider sex with them but with my trauma I need to be able to withdraw consent any time and unfortunately most men just aren't raised to understand that consent can be withdrawn and it's just so frustrating because once I say yes I feel like I can't say no without being guilt tripped.

 

[fleurdelune]

Just want to chip in and share how much I relate to this. I'm not aromantic. Just asexual. But in this world it doesn't really matter. No one I've ever met is interested in a romantic relationship without sex. And I am sex neutral so if I really am close to someone and trust them I'll consider sex with them but with my trauma I need to be able to withdraw consent any time and unfortunately most men just aren't raised to understand that consent can be withdrawn and it's just so frustrating because once I say yes I feel like I can't say no without being guilt tripped.

i'm sorry :( i hope you find the right person someday if that's what you want.

also nobody should ever guilt you into having sex with them!!! but i'm sure you know that

 

[ulyssas]

title... there are plenty of other things that contribute to my feeling like an alien on the wrong planet, but not experiencing what seems like such a fundamental aspect of being a human (i.e., any interest whatsoever in sex and romance) is really lonely at times (all the time, actually). i just saw someone liken the asexual/aromantic experience to being the only person who isn't in on a species-wide inside joke, which is a darn good analogy, imho. and now i'm sad again.

it feels like i lack the one passionate human thing that some other depressed people seem to retain despite the anhedonia. i know depression often comes with a reduced libido, but even a tiny bit of sexual or romantic desire is still *something* that might keep someone going... and i have absolutely none of any of that and i don't think i ever really have, even now that i'm at the normally horny (?) age of 21. i just fucking hate it sometimes. it's just one more part of me that is defective.

it's also weird because i think i do desire some kind of deep human connection, but it's not what everybody else seems to experience. since i was in middle school, i've had these really, really intense fixations on women and men (always authority figures -- when i was younger it was teachers and therapists; now it's professors, superiors at work, etc.) that just about take over my life all while not being sexual or even romantic in nature. it's more like i just want to be their friend really bad... or maybe their child, to be honest. i think i have mommy and daddy issues. i want to be comforted and heard by people who i perceive as kind and caring and safe, as pathetic as it is for me to type out :**) and it's kind of silly because deep down i don't believe having people like that around will fix me. fuck!!

anyways, the point of this incoherent rant is for me to maybe commiserate with other aces on here (if you're out there). please do let me know if you, too, feel developmentally stunted due to your lack of sexual or romantic desire... although i'd also like to hear from people who've come to peace with being aro and/or ace because i'm curious as to how you got to that point. i don't knowwww. my fuckass sexual orientation (or lack thereof) has just been bothering me a lot lately. it's so isolating

thank you for taking time out of your day to read my word vomit :)

Hi!! I'm also aroace and had many "fixations" (I don't exactly have a word for it myself but this works) with superiority figures growing up-- mostly teachers. They were all women, so I thought I was lesbian for a while. I've since come to realise that I just wanted validation and comfort from them. Thanks mommy issues xx

I'm not sure if I'll ever fully be content with being aroace as long as society continues to put so much importance on romantic relationships as the "goal" of life. It feels as if platonic relationships are seen as lesser. And there's a few gestures that seem to be considered exclusive to romance, such as kissing and cuddling, that are considered weird to do in a platonic context (at least as I've been taught. This may be different based on your society/culture). For my whole life, I'd always had so much love and affection to give for my closest friends. I count myself lucky to now have friends who are okay with or even willing to receive my acts of affection... and they're all LGBTQ+. I would say something about how living outside of social norms allows us to see through other social norms easier?

Sometimes, I wonder what it'd be like if I wasn't aroace. I imagine I'd fit into society better. Other times, I'm glad to be aroace. I've seen many people rant on the internet about being lonely and yearning for partnership, so I guess I'm lucky to not have any desire for that?

I wonder how many shared experiences we have. I'd like to hear more about yours!

 

[telekon]

it does sound like mommy and daddy issues...have you ever tried to lean into that sexually?

the whole authority figures part you were writing started sounding hot ...like the whole 3rd paragraph could easily be the start of a literotica

 

[fleurdelune]

it does sound like mommy and daddy issues...have you ever tried to lean into that sexually?

the whole authority figures part you were writing started sounding hot ...like the whole 3rd paragraph could easily be the start of a literotica

but to respond to you seriously: i have thought about embracing it sexually like how some other people do, but i just don't see the appeal of sexual activity in the first place :P and even the idea of a romantic relationship with someone old enough to be my mom or dad i can't get behind because imagine how much it must suck to be 60 while your partner is 80 and dying

Hi!! I'm also aroace and had many "fixations" (I don't exactly have a word for it myself but this works) with superiority figures growing up-- mostly teachers. They were all women, so I thought I was lesbian for a while. I've since come to realise that I just wanted validation and comfort from them. Thanks mommy issues xx

I'm not sure if I'll ever fully be content with being aroace as long as society continues to put so much importance on romantic relationships as the "goal" of life. It feels as if platonic relationships are seen as lesser. And there's a few gestures that seem to be considered exclusive to romance, such as kissing and cuddling, that are considered weird to do in a platonic context (at least as I've been taught. This may be different based on your society/culture). For my whole life, I'd always had so much love and affection to give for my closest friends. I count myself lucky to now have friends who are okay with or even willing to receive my acts of affection... and they're all LGBTQ+. I would say something about how living outside of social norms allows us to see through other social norms easier?

Sometimes, I wonder what it'd be like if I wasn't aroace. I imagine I'd fit into society better. Other times, I'm glad to be aroace. I've seen many people rant on the internet about being lonely and yearning for partnership, so I guess I'm lucky to not have any desire for that?

I wonder how many shared experiences we have. I'd like to hear more about yours!

hi, fellow aroace with mommy/daddy issues that aren't the sexual kind!! i feel a little less lonely now lol

i'm glad you have friends who meet you where you are :] for me physical affection is weird because i've always been repulsed by it from certain people (mostly family. fortunately some of them respect me as That Person Who Doesn't Like to be Hugged), butttt secretly i fantasize about it coming from people i really like more often than i'd like to admit :****) it's usually people i feel are relatively stable and wise and a calming presence, which often translates to them being 10+ years older than me. i don't really have friends with whom i hang out with or talk to enough to feel close like you do, but i do wonder if i would crave comfort from them the way i think i want it from authority figures if i did have those kinds of friends and if they were closer to my age. idk...... feelings are weirddddd af

i often want to just be able to call myself bi, but like you i realized pretty fast once these fixations started to occur that i wasn't attracted to these people in a "normal" or allosexual way. i just want their love and approval and for them to be proud of me and care about how i'm doing like i care about them ;_; ugh

anyways, thank you for helping me feel a bit less alone in this sex and romance-obsessed world :]

 

[telekon]

you don't need to be 20 years apart to do ddlg role play stuff, lots of couples do it and it's normal

I think our society is doing sex wrong bc of porn culture, like real life sex and porn are two completely different things that are barely related imo. I think you just need to meet someone that you care about, and just keep an open mind! :)

 

[fleurdelune]

you don't need to be 20 years apart to do ddlg role play stuff, lots of couples do it and it's normal

I think our society is doing sex wrong bc of porn culture, like real life sex and porn are two completely different things that are barely related imo. I think you just need to meet someone that you care about, and just keep an open mind! :)

i'll try my best to stay open minded