Venting Being alive is too draining

[mob]

I was gone for a few weeks after reaching another low point. I was close to admitting myself to the hospital because I had literally zero self control and was scared I might try to ctb impulsively and fail - and possibly end up with some unfixable damage.

On that day I relapsed and ended up taking around 20 pills - some blood pressure medication and painkillers, not to ctb but to just somehow calm myself down. Needless to say, I felt like shit for the rest of the day due to that. But at least I felt calm.

I haven't gone to work in three weeks. I went to my doctor and talked to my therapist about it and they advised me to not go to work in that state. However, I know my coworkers are shit-talking me because of that.

Every day is so draining, I just wish I was gone. Living is expensive. Everything is hard.

I plan on taking another few pills on monday when my partner is at work to somehow reduce my misery. After being clean for two years, I don't think I can stay away from it any longer. I'm a mess and I hate myself for this.

 

[bluebus]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Life can be so tough and painful. I really hope you can find some peace. Best of luck,

 

[mob]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Life can be so tough and painful. I really hope you can find some peace. Best of luck,

Thank you. :)

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it's really understandable just feeling so tired of suffering here, existing certainly can be so dreadful. But anyway best wishes.