Venting Being a Nuisance (and Fearing Consequences)

[Unsure and Useless]

After lurking for a few days on this site, I decided to make my first (stand-alone?) post, so why not make it a venting post?

Anyways, I have a paranoia problem and (most likely) a persecution complex, which tends to ruin my days most of the time. Doesn't help that I'm an all-around shitty person who annoys and simultaneously inconveniences everyone. I have little to no memory of ever being a good/likeable person while I have a surplus of memories consisting of me being the contrary.

Despite that, I can't help but fear all my mistakes are going to bite me in the ass one day, like some time later I'll experience the punishments of every little bad thing that I did in my entire life. I know it's wrong to not want punishment for the fucked up things that you do, but I can't help hoping for a way to escape it all. (Which is one of the main contributors as to why I have suicidal ideations.)

In short, I'm annoying. I'm useless. I'm incompetent. I can't do anything right. Everyone probably makes fun of me since I can't fit in with society for the life of me.

I mean, why wouldn't killing myself be a good thing for both me and those who know me? I've been such an insufferable person my whole life! I'm sure if I died everyone would be sad at first (gotta make sure everyone doesn't think you're psycho) before being happy at how such a nuisance is gone from their lives. If I truly love the people I claim to love, wouldn't getting rid of an ongoing annoyance be doing them a favor?

I'm not worthy of anything with how many faults I've committed. I want to die. It'd be the best option for everyone involved.

 

[SexyIncél]

Fortunately for you, LOTS of terrible people do well in many societies!

If you don't mind saying, what sorts of unpleasant things do you do, specifically?

 

[247sadgirlhours]

honestly, i feel the same. there are billions of people and the world is only growing right now. i wish i could just be content to have no purpose. i made a joke, once, to my coworkers that if i ever died, tell management that we were all really really close friends so they could get a few days off xd

 

[Unsure and Useless]

Fortunately for you, LOTS of terrible people do well in many societies!

Aren't those people usually exceptionally smart, attractive, well-liked, and/or rich? Unfortunately, I'm none of those things.

If you don't mind saying, what sorts of unpleasant things do you do, specifically?

Being a pervert, and being grossly open about it at such a young age; saying shitty things as a slip of the tongue or general misunderstanding; not understanding social cues (though I do get publicly humiliated and mocked for it? So it's kinda even, I guess); being unable to stop talking about how terrible my childhood was or complain about whatever; having terrible emotional control; and having the core personality traits of a hypocrite, downer, and a coward, just to name a few.

It's really just little things compared to the much terrible actions that could be done, but I still feel like garbage, regardless. I think, no matter how trivial the problem, I'll still beat myself over it. I can't live with any mistakes I've made…

 

[absolomonisgone]

Good goodbye say hallo there in new world