Venting Being a non-passing MtF is torture

[stimabuse]

I'm 20, have been on estrogen for a year and am nowhere close to passing. It hurts so much seeing other people who started even a decade later be able to pass atleast half the time. I have been trying to do skincare, haircare, practicing makeup etc. and I would say I'm actually pretty decent at all of it, but it's still not enough because I got fucked over by genetics and nothing other than expensive surgery (that is unaffordable to me ofc) will make me look passing. I hate myself so much for not starting earlier because I already knew when I was 14 but was too scared plus my family was super unsupportive, but now it's too late and I will always feel like a disgusting freak. It really feels like there is no way that my life will have a happy ending.

 

[Alexandra_]

I hate my biological sex too. And I suffer because of it. I will die in this body, I wish it would happen already, I have lived too long already. And time drags on painfully slowly, when every second is hateful. I am sorry that you suffer too

 

[xanthe]

from one non-passing gurl to another, genetics do suck. everyone i speak to seems to minimise that pain around it, and i can only think its because they know theres nothing that can be done about it. but its so real. the average person never has to even consider whether they look like a boy or a girl, they just take it for granted and that feels so unfair sometimes. i get rly upset because i have two younger brothers that both look exactly like my mum, whereas i look mostly like my dad. i was so close to actually looking like a girl fuck :( idk man i only realised i was trans when i was 16 and by then testosterone have ravaged my facial structure pretty bad, so its not like i could have done anything sooner. but yea it hurts a lot.

if its worth anything, i don't think having less feminine genetics makes you disgusting. its horribly unjust and i know that burn, but you didn't choose it. im so sorry u feel this way :/ sending love

 

[m4rius]

There's a lot of similarities with those who have body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria, I would assume having both would be... a very severe combination. I have body dysmorphia, if I were also gender dysphoric that would probably be the nail in the coffin for me.

I just searched and there are countries that offer gender-affirming surgeries, including feminising procedures of little cost. I'd look into that if I were you since I know cosmetic procedures are extremely expensive.

 

[stimabuse]

from one non-passing gurl to another, genetics do suck. everyone i speak to seems to minimise that pain around it, and i can only think its because they know theres nothing that can be done about it. but its so real. the average person never has to even consider whether they look like a boy or a girl, they just take it for granted and that feels so unfair sometimes. i get rly upset because i have two younger brothers that both look exactly like my mum, whereas i look mostly like my dad. i was so close to actually looking like a girl fuck :( idk man i only realised i was trans when i was 16 and by then testosterone have ravaged my facial structure pretty bad, so its not like i could have done anything sooner. but yea it hurts a lot.

if its worth anything, i don't think having less feminine genetics makes you disgusting. its horribly unjust and i know that burn, but you didn't choose it. im so sorry u feel this way :/ sending love

I just hate the fact that I'm never going to be able to look at least remotely like a woman and not feel sad and defeated everytime i look in a mirror or just think about how i look like.

I'm just sad about the fact that I cannot successfully transition and look feminine. I still wouldn't get to be a cis woman but it would be something. This just feels like I'm cursed to be male forever, stuck in a body that I despise.

Also idk how long you have been on hrt but i truly hope it will get better for you :(

There's a lot of similarities with those who have body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria, I would assume having both would be... a very severe combination. I have body dysmorphia, if I were also gender dysphoric that would probably be the nail in the coffin for me.

I just searched and there are countries that offer gender-affirming surgeries, including feminising procedures of little cost. I'd look into that if I were you since I know cosmetic procedures are extremely expensive.

I've read that thailand can be really cheap, but idk if i'm comfortable cutting costs on something like ffs. I'm also an unemployable student from eastern eu so even a few thousand dollars would be a very steep goal for me. Thank you for the suggestion though!

 

[VoidBlessed]

Im so sorry you're going through this too. I don't pass either and tbh never will. I told myself that I wasn't going to be a statistic, that I wouldn't let not passing get to me, but here we are.

 

[User111885]

I'm 20, have been on estrogen for a year and am nowhere close to passing. It hurts so much seeing other people who started even a decade later be able to pass atleast half the time. I have been trying to do skincare, haircare, practicing makeup etc. and I would say I'm actually pretty decent at all of it, but it's still not enough because I got fucked over by genetics and nothing other than expensive surgery (that is unaffordable to me ofc) will make me look passing. I hate myself so much for not starting earlier because I already knew when I was 14 but was too scared plus my family was super unsupportive, but now it's too late and I will always feel like a disgusting freak. It really feels like there is no way that my life will have a happy ending.

you're 20. just start working and work as much as possible. by 24 you can have surgeries. by 25 you'll be hot. work 7 days a week, at least 4 hours a day.

 

[Infinitespace_]

it takes time years before estrogen does its real work just be a little more patient

 

[euthanizeddog]

ftm. i understand it very well and it pisses me off how this is treated as being pessimistic. it's just the plain truth, i'll never pass no matter what i do. i hope you can feel better about it or make peace with this feeling. if this helps, in a majority of the cases, you pass better than you think, even if you don't consider it good enough.

 

[EternalShore]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're still not passing even after that long on hrt, and all the effort you're putting in too~ :( That really sucks a lot, and I'm sorry you're suffering like that~ :( thankfully, you got on E before 2nd puberty, but it still sucks so much that you don't pass~ >_< I hope you are able to in the future and are able to stop suffering because feeling like that but being treated so horribly by others is not fun whatsoever~ >_< being trans is already so much of a curse, and yet you can't even pass while being so~ >_< I really hope you can pass one day because that must feel so horrid, especially with others like your family, all the time~ :(