Been so lonely my whole life, I can't feel lonely anymore

[Ariii]

I've been very alone my whole life. Mom was an immigrant and didn't speak good English, father never really gaf, don't have any extended family here in the US, so I didnt get to talk to a lot of ppl as a toddler. Apparently, I was sorta social in preschool, but then kindergarten hit and I had no friends for a good two years. Once I did gain friends, I never really strayed outside of my friend group, but it was fine? When I went into middle school, I intentionally dropped all my friends. I had some weird, extreme guilt/embarrassment about basically just existing when I was 11 (fully believed I was a pedophile at the age of 11, point and laugh), and that manifested in me wanting a clean slate and losing all of my friends. 6th and 7th grade zero friends, apart from weird, online friendships that were more like obsessions and very unhealthy. Started counting for fun how many days I could go without speaking to anyone. 8th, I gained a friend group, except they never included me and I didn't really speak. Then I made my first actual friend. But I lost her once I moved to highschool. Highschool, beginning of freshman year, I was DESPERATE for friends. I tried so hard and yet I was always ignored and excluded. I think that was the most intense period of loneliness in my life. Midway through, I found a friend group and it was the most stable relationships I've ever had. Except it tittered out after a few months.

Weirdly enough from that point, I really stopped having the ability to feel lonely, and it's been some years. Of course there have been bouts, a particular one actually caused me to create this account, but they've been getting rarer and rarer, + less and less harsh. I actually don't think I've felt properly lonely ever since I created this acc, and that was in October 2023. I guess there have been a few fleeting moments, at most its being awkwardly surrounded by people, but thats more about being perceived as lonely weirdo than actually desiring connection. Or it's just been one off thoughts of 'Woah, I don't have anyone to share this with' that I forget about and aren't accompanied by any emotions. I still have a few friends (or people who consider me as a friend) but I don't have any actual connection with them. They're purely friends of convivence and I'll get annoyed if I have to talk to them outside of just happening to be in the same place. I do enjoy my time with them, I just don't feel the urge to speak to them when not forced to.

I remember distinctly being 15 and on an multi-day school trip. It was one of my first times traveling in a while at that point. Yet I didn't enjoy any of it. My favorite moment was sitting on the bathroom floor playing laptop games (as to not disturb my roommates) in the middle of the night. My second favorite was taking a walk by myself at the beach. My third was being like "Omg big houses." I was stuck on a trip with a lot of ppl my age, and I did speak to them, yet my favorite memories were always just me by myself. I had already had the inkling that something was weird about me socially (considering I spent the pervious summer maybe having five short convos in total not including my mom, and i was proud of it), but this was a bit of a lightbulb moment. I didn't even attend my own graduation, I just didn't care for those people.

Has anyone experienced this before? It's weird to me that I've gone from one end of the 'loneliness spectrum' to the opposite, all while almost nothing has changed. I was seriously considering suicide purely due to loneliness in grade school, now I want to be alone. Obviously people change, but it still feels weird to me. I enjoy thinking about why I am the person I am, and this was a pretty huge part of my life.

 

[cme-dme]

I feel like I can have random spikes of loneliness but it's never consistent. I felt more lonely in middle school I think. In high school I think I just accepted that I was destined to be the weird autistic kid in the corner of the room, off in their own little world at all times, doing who-knows-what on their computer. That's not to say I was never social because I did talk to classmates and whatnot but I had no friends. For most of my time in high school I was eating lunch alone in the classroom of a teacher who is probably the primary reason I graduated HS.

I can't tell if I am more lonely now or not. I've graduated HS and dropped out of college. On one hand, when I am alone I have nobody to compare myself to. If i see people being social or hanging out with friends, that makes me feel lonely. On the other hand, when you become almost entirely isolated, you start to become more self sufficient and find ways to keep yourself happy by yourself. Still very unhealthy though.

 

[NonEssential]

I haven't had a irl friend in over a decade. I can usually easily ignore this fact by occupying myself with things like video games, etc. Going outside and seeing people hang out, having fun sometimes fills me with envy.