lostundead
Student
- Mar 18, 2021
- 192
I've now been on the fence about suicide for a good year and a half. The first time I came to SS, looking for methods, was somewhere in September of that disastrous year 2020. I've felt incredibly relieved when I first acknowledged ctb being a realistic option for myself. For the very few of you who've already been around back then, the first death I remember on here was @LetzteAusfahrt ,who was a very prominent member due to his kindness and sharp insights and I admired his determination a lot. I don't think I'll ever be able to just pick a date and then just go through with it, the way he did.
Initially, being completely naive to the enormous difficulty of this method, I was planning on going with partial hanging. Nonetheless, I made a serious attempt on a quiet December night in 2020, where I had the flat all to myself, and got pretty close to passing out. Ultimately though, the last seconds before passing out are where the SI really kicks in – which is why SN and poison in general are such great methods, because you already swallowed them before SI reaches that level – and I ended up pulling my body back as soon as I could feel myself blacking out. Afterwards my desire to commit suicide, despite a period of declining health and although I wasn't traumatized by the event, damped down heavily for a few months, like ctb suddenly wasn't an option anymore and I needed to keep living for some reason – maybe it was hope? god knows. Whatever it was, it quickly faded away when I realized that I absolutely have no future and no matter how poor my situation already is it can and will always get worse with time.
In the year that followed, there were times where I was very happy that I failed my attempt and other times where I cursed my past self for not having had the strenght to hold my body down for a few more seconds and escape this hell world once and for all. Despite having SN in my pocket for a year now, which is a far superior method, I never got as close as I did in December again and am fearful that I never will be. Although I was posting very little on here in most of 2021, I lurked almost daily even when I had an upsurge of my health and could pursue some of my hobbies again. During that time I saw a lot of people come and go and I must say I feel like the odd one out. Everyone seems to either recover and never turn back or decide to go trough with ctb, while I will probably be on the fence, neither dead nor alive, for decades. Contrary to what you might think, I am less scared of death now than I was before my attempt. The only thing I fear right now is time, knowing there will come a day when I have to be ready for ctb, because the alternative will be at best a slow and painful death, and I may never be able to find the strength and momentum again that I had during my previous attempt.
Somehow I just can't fully come to terms with the fact that it'll be just all over for me without ever having had a fair chance in life. No amount of willpower would have been or will ever be enough to compensate for this shitty hand I've been dealt. I'm fully convinced that there is no afterlife and this world is all there is, which may be the reason why it's so difficult for me to let go and what's keeping me trapped in this status quo.
Initially, being completely naive to the enormous difficulty of this method, I was planning on going with partial hanging. Nonetheless, I made a serious attempt on a quiet December night in 2020, where I had the flat all to myself, and got pretty close to passing out. Ultimately though, the last seconds before passing out are where the SI really kicks in – which is why SN and poison in general are such great methods, because you already swallowed them before SI reaches that level – and I ended up pulling my body back as soon as I could feel myself blacking out. Afterwards my desire to commit suicide, despite a period of declining health and although I wasn't traumatized by the event, damped down heavily for a few months, like ctb suddenly wasn't an option anymore and I needed to keep living for some reason – maybe it was hope? god knows. Whatever it was, it quickly faded away when I realized that I absolutely have no future and no matter how poor my situation already is it can and will always get worse with time.
In the year that followed, there were times where I was very happy that I failed my attempt and other times where I cursed my past self for not having had the strenght to hold my body down for a few more seconds and escape this hell world once and for all. Despite having SN in my pocket for a year now, which is a far superior method, I never got as close as I did in December again and am fearful that I never will be. Although I was posting very little on here in most of 2021, I lurked almost daily even when I had an upsurge of my health and could pursue some of my hobbies again. During that time I saw a lot of people come and go and I must say I feel like the odd one out. Everyone seems to either recover and never turn back or decide to go trough with ctb, while I will probably be on the fence, neither dead nor alive, for decades. Contrary to what you might think, I am less scared of death now than I was before my attempt. The only thing I fear right now is time, knowing there will come a day when I have to be ready for ctb, because the alternative will be at best a slow and painful death, and I may never be able to find the strength and momentum again that I had during my previous attempt.
Somehow I just can't fully come to terms with the fact that it'll be just all over for me without ever having had a fair chance in life. No amount of willpower would have been or will ever be enough to compensate for this shitty hand I've been dealt. I'm fully convinced that there is no afterlife and this world is all there is, which may be the reason why it's so difficult for me to let go and what's keeping me trapped in this status quo.
