Bed rotting

[alivefornow]

I quit work and have been just rotting in bed for almost six months now.

It's been over a year of a suicidal depression drag that crushed my soul. But I have been feeling less miserable. Sure, I still have the occasional thought of destroying my head with a shotgun or setting myself on fire. But that's less frequent and intense now. Yay.

In February 2023 I practically set myself up to get caught with SN like a fucking idiotic clown moron. Ended up spending 4 months in a psych ward. That sucked.

Then I got out and went back to work. Still in crushing emotional heart pain and wanting to die more than anything. Meds and therapy were taking a toll on my sanity more than helping with anything. Even had panic attacks as side effects from withdrawal because the whore psychiatrist was experimenting with my brain.

Ended up fucking up again and checked myself into another psych ward for 15 days in February 2024.

Now I'm just rotting in bed, shifting between hate and depression. I want to die and I am so fucking jealous of people like Zoraya Ter Beek with access to suicide clinics in Netherlands or Belgium.

I think the reason I am starting to feel less pain is because I finally managed to melt my brain into all the useless TV shows, movies and YouTube. But I can't turn it off and have an original thought because my mind immediately goes to suicide and my heart starts to hurt.

I came to the conclusion that I was never happy. And I need to stop lying to myself that I was a happy child, I was not.

I tanked every opportunity at having something meaningful or successful, because I was a junkie and a drunk. I hate myself, push people away and then decide I'm going to kill myself when I end up alone.

I really just want to die but I can't even make that happen, because I am useless. I can't take a long unhappy life, I don't even think happiness is attainable and I also don't feel like exhausting myself trying. I just want the darkness, the nothing, death. I want death.

 

[Esokabat]

Depression is a mental health condition but HATE is a choice and entirely of your making.

HATE is always about you, not others. And HATE will destroy YOU, not others.

 

[spectraltease]

I quit work and have been just rotting in bed for almost six months now.

It's been over a year of a suicidal depression drag that crushed my soul. But I have been feeling less miserable. Sure, I still have the occasional thought of destroying my head with a shotgun or setting myself on fire. But that's less frequent and intense now. Yay.

In February 2023 I practically set myself up to get caught with SN like a fucking idiotic clown moron. Ended up spending 4 months in a psych ward. That sucked.

Then I got out and went back to work. Still in crushing emotional heart pain and wanting to die more than anything. Meds and therapy were taking a toll on my sanity more than helping with anything. Even had panic attacks as side effects from withdrawal because the whore psychiatrist was experimenting with my brain.

Ended up fucking up again and checked myself into another psych ward for 15 days in February 2024.

Now I'm just rotting in bed, shifting between hate and depression. I want to die and I am so fucking jealous of people like Zoraya Ter Beek with access to suicide clinics in Netherlands or Belgium.

I think the reason I am starting to feel less pain is because I finally managed to melt my brain into all the useless TV shows, movies and YouTube. But I can't turn it off and have an original thought because my mind immediately goes to suicide and my heart starts to hurt.

I came to the conclusion that I was never happy. And I need to stop lying to myself that I was a happy child, I was not.

I tanked every opportunity at having something meaningful or successful, because I was a junkie and a drunk. I hate myself, push people away and then decide I'm going to kill myself when I end up alone.

I really just want to die but I can't even make that happen, because I am useless. I can't take a long unhappy life, I don't even think happiness is attainable and I also don't feel like exhausting myself trying. I just want the darkness, the nothing, death. I want death.

I can understand that all too well. I had to drop out of school because I felt really bad there and I also rotted at home. But I think it's good that you're doing better than at work. If you are alone all day and have nothing to do and have an illness that stops you, it is the worst thing.
I wish you luck and hope you can find your peace. Whether it is through life or through suicide.

Depression is a mental health condition but HATE is a choice and entirely of your making.

HATE is always about you, not others. And HATE will destroy YOU, not others.

To call a person with an illness, hospital stays and a really difficult time selfish is simply disrespectful. Go where you came from, thank you.

 

[alivefornow]

Depression is a mental health condition but HATE is a choice and entirely of your making.

HATE is always about you, not others. And HATE will destroy YOU, not others.

You may be right. Every time I let my hateful thoughts take over, my stomach turns and my heart pain increases for at least a few hours. My day is ruined (even further).

I can understand that all too well. I had to drop out of school because I felt really bad there and I also rotted at home. But I think it's good that you're doing better than at work. If you are alone all day and have nothing to do and have an illness that stops you, it is the worst thing.
I wish you luck and hope you can find your peace. Whether it is through life or through suicide.


To call a person with an illness, hospital stays and a really difficult time selfish is simply disrespectful. Go where you came from, thank you.

I was working as a teacher. I tried to do a good job, but when depression and suicidality took over, it became much harder. I was struggling to concentrate because my mind would enact suicide scenarios over and over. I had to carry out conversations or answer questions while, in my thoughts, I was dying in many different and twisted ways.