I have severe trust issues and depression and anxiety, I think caused by Complex PTSD. Recently the one person I tried to trust betrayed me and abandoned me.
I will be homeless because I didn't have the strength to take care of getting a new place because of my depression and emotional issues, and lack of help.
I tried to get admitted to the mental hospital but got refused from all stations because apparently they don't take ppl who are "too suicidal" lol.
I went through different feelings over the last week. Sometimes I'm extremely triggered, anxious, hateful, feelings of dread, thinking how much I hate everybody and how uncaring untrustworthy and cruel people are. Other times I'm having fun engaging in escapism, like surfing the internet. Sometimes I've cried. When I finally decided that CTB is the only way (after the mental hospital refused me) I didn't feel anything anymore. I was bitter underneath, but consciously I was just like "this is funny right?" They refuse ppl who are too suicidal. That's so fucking funny. And I just stopped caring. Ppl are cruel and selfish? That's life. I don't care. Some animals live, some get eaten by prey animals. That's how life goes. I don't care anymore. I also don't care about the suffering of others. I still tried to help at certain points. I'm not sure why. But I didn't offer any sympathy, or positive affirmations. Because I don't feel these things anymore at all. I don't care if others suffer. That's life.
Even when I think about the betrayals of trust, the abuse, and the uncaringness of others which have absolutely driven me me insane with pain and regret over the last months, I just don't feel anything anymore. No negative feelings at all. But this uncaringness has morphed from some bitter defense mechanism to a genuinely positive feeling somehow. I feel free, and I feel like I don't care about other peoples suffering, but I also don't care what they have done to me and I don't hate them anymore. If I can have fun with other people, even the ones I used to deeply hate, I might even start to like them. Not because I care about their well-being or humanity, but just because they might make me feel good. I think about ppl like my father, someone who's mere thought has made me go into a screaming fit before over all the pain and anger, and now I just feel peace and serenity thinking about him. "He can be pretty funny" "Maybe he could be useful, that would be nice".
Now I realize this would make me a sociopath or a narcissist or sth? But I genuinely feel good about this. The thought fills me with this serene peacefulness and positivity.
Now I'm not sure I want to die anymore.
Like two days ago someone offered me to stay at his parents place for a few months. I first thought I didn't want that because my trust in others and my ability to be okay is so thoroughly destroyed that it would take years of support and intensive therapy to fix any of this, if it's fixable at all (I've been trying for 10 years). Also I don't trust that guy either, it feels like he's always putting me down to compensate for his insecurities, and judging me, and he's totally emotionally stunted, which makes it tedious and boring to be around him. So I feel like rationally, it's probably just a waste of time to try and keep on trying, because I've been trying to work on myself and get better for over 10 years and it has only gotten worse and worse so far.
But since like 2 days ago when I became a sociopath and got offered the place to stay or whatever, I just feel so positive. I feel safe and positive for the first time in so long. And I enjoy browsing the internet and playing video games, even though I just do these things usually to distract myself from pain, but right now I really enjoy them.
I'm not sure I wanna die anymore. I might just become a sociopathic parasite for a while… just like the people in my life that I trusted and who broke me… lol maybe it's a cycle.
The thing is though, when I interact with people on this forum, I hate them and mistrust them. I was in the Chatrooms and I saw everyone as pathological, terrible people who only care about themselves and fake any sympathy towards others for their own ego. Any interaction here still fills me with mistrust and hatred, but when I think about my irl abusers I feel this weird serene peace. Maybe it's because I'm not actually talking to them. Maybe the peace is just in my thoughts about them, but when I actually talk to people, the anxiety and darkness still comes back. Idk, I'm confused…
I think most people here are extremely nice. They really care about others well being and comfort even when facing their own death. They only hate themselves not others, even though it is the others who destroyed them. I think I used to be like that. I used to be incredibly insecure. Very low self-esteem. Very caring. I deaparately longed for connection and for someone to care about me. And I also wanted to care about others. But then I stopped hating myself, and started hating everyone else. And now I stopped hating others, too, because I stopped caring about them altogether.
I feel like I've transitioned from being very kind and empathetic, and insecure - like most on this forum - to being something like a narcissist or a sociopath.
It's kind of funny isn't it?
Edit: I just read this again and realized I'm contradicting myself with how I interpret the ppl on this forum. I guess I'm confused, too, I'm not sure why
I will be homeless because I didn't have the strength to take care of getting a new place because of my depression and emotional issues, and lack of help.
I tried to get admitted to the mental hospital but got refused from all stations because apparently they don't take ppl who are "too suicidal" lol.
I went through different feelings over the last week. Sometimes I'm extremely triggered, anxious, hateful, feelings of dread, thinking how much I hate everybody and how uncaring untrustworthy and cruel people are. Other times I'm having fun engaging in escapism, like surfing the internet. Sometimes I've cried. When I finally decided that CTB is the only way (after the mental hospital refused me) I didn't feel anything anymore. I was bitter underneath, but consciously I was just like "this is funny right?" They refuse ppl who are too suicidal. That's so fucking funny. And I just stopped caring. Ppl are cruel and selfish? That's life. I don't care. Some animals live, some get eaten by prey animals. That's how life goes. I don't care anymore. I also don't care about the suffering of others. I still tried to help at certain points. I'm not sure why. But I didn't offer any sympathy, or positive affirmations. Because I don't feel these things anymore at all. I don't care if others suffer. That's life.
Even when I think about the betrayals of trust, the abuse, and the uncaringness of others which have absolutely driven me me insane with pain and regret over the last months, I just don't feel anything anymore. No negative feelings at all. But this uncaringness has morphed from some bitter defense mechanism to a genuinely positive feeling somehow. I feel free, and I feel like I don't care about other peoples suffering, but I also don't care what they have done to me and I don't hate them anymore. If I can have fun with other people, even the ones I used to deeply hate, I might even start to like them. Not because I care about their well-being or humanity, but just because they might make me feel good. I think about ppl like my father, someone who's mere thought has made me go into a screaming fit before over all the pain and anger, and now I just feel peace and serenity thinking about him. "He can be pretty funny" "Maybe he could be useful, that would be nice".
Now I realize this would make me a sociopath or a narcissist or sth? But I genuinely feel good about this. The thought fills me with this serene peacefulness and positivity.
Now I'm not sure I want to die anymore.
Like two days ago someone offered me to stay at his parents place for a few months. I first thought I didn't want that because my trust in others and my ability to be okay is so thoroughly destroyed that it would take years of support and intensive therapy to fix any of this, if it's fixable at all (I've been trying for 10 years). Also I don't trust that guy either, it feels like he's always putting me down to compensate for his insecurities, and judging me, and he's totally emotionally stunted, which makes it tedious and boring to be around him. So I feel like rationally, it's probably just a waste of time to try and keep on trying, because I've been trying to work on myself and get better for over 10 years and it has only gotten worse and worse so far.
But since like 2 days ago when I became a sociopath and got offered the place to stay or whatever, I just feel so positive. I feel safe and positive for the first time in so long. And I enjoy browsing the internet and playing video games, even though I just do these things usually to distract myself from pain, but right now I really enjoy them.
I'm not sure I wanna die anymore. I might just become a sociopathic parasite for a while… just like the people in my life that I trusted and who broke me… lol maybe it's a cycle.
The thing is though, when I interact with people on this forum, I hate them and mistrust them. I was in the Chatrooms and I saw everyone as pathological, terrible people who only care about themselves and fake any sympathy towards others for their own ego. Any interaction here still fills me with mistrust and hatred, but when I think about my irl abusers I feel this weird serene peace. Maybe it's because I'm not actually talking to them. Maybe the peace is just in my thoughts about them, but when I actually talk to people, the anxiety and darkness still comes back. Idk, I'm confused…
I think most people here are extremely nice. They really care about others well being and comfort even when facing their own death. They only hate themselves not others, even though it is the others who destroyed them. I think I used to be like that. I used to be incredibly insecure. Very low self-esteem. Very caring. I deaparately longed for connection and for someone to care about me. And I also wanted to care about others. But then I stopped hating myself, and started hating everyone else. And now I stopped hating others, too, because I stopped caring about them altogether.
I feel like I've transitioned from being very kind and empathetic, and insecure - like most on this forum - to being something like a narcissist or a sociopath.
It's kind of funny isn't it?
Edit: I just read this again and realized I'm contradicting myself with how I interpret the ppl on this forum. I guess I'm confused, too, I'm not sure why
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