Beautiful things in life keep me from ending it all. Looking for advice.

[BeautyWSaveTheWorld]

Hello people,
I joined this forum a while back looking for ways of ending it all. However, since then, a lot of things happened in my life which kind of gave me a reason to move on. Let's say I kinda got a purpose to pursue. However, to be honest, I wonder if all of this is just a scam made by my subconscious or whoever or whatever trying to make me continue living, as having a will to live is, in reality, a natural instinct embedded in all of us that is there to push the species into advancing further. Life currently makes sense and I can say that I feel a lot more happier than before, but I am not sure if this is gonna pay off, as I'm not entirely sure I'll be able to find a suitable partner in time to bear children (something really, REALLY important to me and to my sense of purpose; believe me, I tried changing it and that's not gonna work!). Having a family with someone unsuitable is out of the question, as the reason for having children is, in my opinion, for advancing current bloodline (making descendants superior and happier than their ancestors), and if done without trying to pursue that exact goal, it's not gonna end so well.

Looking for advice from people who have been in a similar situation as I am. Did you decide to push forward and pursue living, or did you decide that not fucking anyone or anything in this world deserved you and your time, so you deciced you are going to finally go to rest? Also, if I decide to do the latter, is anybody in EU interested in a game of Russian Roulette? It seems like a fun and extreme way of ending it all. Or should I somehow obtain some cyanide potassium, as going off like my favourite historical figures seems like a cool idea too!

And no, I have never ever been diagnosed anything. Maybe there is a bit of ADHD or some kind of mild autism there, but nothing more than that, trust me.
Also, I'm 18 years old, if that's gonna help anything.

 

[annointed_towers]

Nothing to say but nice Dostoevsky reference

 

[NorthernMonkey]

There is a saying that keeps me here, "if there is doubt, there is no doubt" If you question your decision in any way, then you should maybe postpone. If it was right for you, there would be no doubt at all. There is no rush, wait until there is no doubt x

 

[breezeboy]

I'd maybe check out the recovery side too.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

That question's a bit of a double-edged sword. Are you sure you want to know the answer?
I'm only asking because it might affect your perception of your current state of "happiness"(regardless of whether it lasts or not)
The human brain, weirdly enough, seems to be wired more to retain negative/painful emotions more easily compared to "happy" ones, so why not just enjoy it for now, seeing as it's going to fade away faster in the future.

Having said that, I would agree with your assessment that it is a form of SI (survival instinct).
What may happen is the initial drive you have right now may not be sustainable if coming up against a stronger challenge or roadblock.
Seeing as history repeats itself, then its highly probably in my opinion that what you're experiencing is temporary, but i'm not 100% as there are other factors that could affect it.
You could, for example, be the type to be able to evaluate the trigger for your initial decision to CTB and find ways to deal with, avoid or manage your trigger.
@NorthernMonkey makes a valid point. If you're doubtful, don't CTB yet and see where it goes.

 

[LifeOfTheCursed]

If you've gotten even a tiny bit happier or your life starts getting a little brighter you should use that momentum to grab that sunshine and start enjoying life again
If you feel good now and if you have even the slightest amount of hope for the future why not use that good feeling and little bit of hope to turn your life around and live however you see fit

 

[BeautyWSaveTheWorld]

Thank you people for all the replies! Yeah, I should start looking for what exactly my triggers are (there are probably multiple) and the idea of grabbing the momentum is something probably worth trying out. Is there any literature or forum material worth checking out regarding triggers and identifying them?

 

[uzuf86]

You're just 18. That's where you need to start building out your life and lead ways to start becoming an independent person. Take care of your physical and mental health and you'll have a solid 60 more happy years to live for.

For triggers, try talking to a psychiatrist online or offline. Read books on mental health. Practice yoga or meditation and that should do wonders

 

[Hotsackage]

Ya kind of the same, moment by moment, and try to not get caught in ur thoughts

 

[Kit1]

I agree with what everyone has said here. If in doubt, please try and focus on your life - and try out the recovery session if you still decide to stay on this forum. There are lots of people who have felt suicidal and then gone on to lead happy lives - and that can be you - and I really hope that you find the happiness, peace of mind, good health and contentment you are looking for. Best wishes.