Yep. Opiates here. 15 year nonstop daily user, smoking heroin/fentanyl. I've probably stopped maybe for 2 days max in a detox facility back in 2013. In the beginning I tried to go cold turkey but that only lasted hours. Since 2013 failed 2 day detox, it's been every, single, day. Started methadone in 2017 for harm reduction, to cut down withdrawals and the desperation, but still never quit. I also smoke cigarettes. My lungs are fucked, my body is so weak and I have a bunch of health issues.
I just found out I have autism/adhd/cptsd and dyspraxia but I actually feel worse about it, I used to believe I was bipolar or depressed this whole time. I'm female and high masking. I haven't been on this site in a while...I tried to keep busy and focus on my art and special interests but the abuse at home is too much and I'm trapped. Can't move out, can't quit using, no money to leave, etc. Plus I also hate the world and don't fit in anywhere. I have no idea what to do. In the past, I couldn't access methods like jumping off a high point because I had no transport or money for it, I don't/can't drive...
But since then, I've had a stable credit card so I could easily uber it anywhere now. Methods like SN (I have some but probably not enough) are not for me...basically anything that involves me going somewhere private is not possible anymore, there's no privacy at all. My abusers keep tabs on me now and they will definitely resuscitate me. My sister (my main abuser) says that I shouldn't kill myself because then our mom will have to pay huge funeral bills, and that it's selfish because who's going to help out around the house. So my only options are quick violent things like jumping. I haven't had suicidal ideation in years and have planned for it and attempted for most of my life, but even when I didn't have suicidal ideation - I still would have rather died than be alive, this is a feeling I've had since childhood. But now I'm feeling really, extremely low and drained and I'm tired of being alive. I hate the feeling of waking up everyday.
