Help balancing suicidal thoughts and relationships

[starrvingstar]

honestly i have been a terrible girlfriend to my long distance boyfriend of one year.

we hardly can hold a conversation together and once i started giving him the same energy he gives me, or the lack thereof, things have been completely distanced. i feel too suicidal and depressed to talk to him, i feel unworthy because of my weight and wont feel confident until i reach my goal to be confident in myself. i spend every day focused on myself honestly, i am always exercising, sleeping or beating myself up for not eating properly or not exercising enough feeling like shit about myself i cant even bring myself to text him.

i seriously cant feel like i can care for someone when i dont care for myself or this life at all.
i cant take this and i feel terrible for throwing my life away and wasting his time i seriously dont know where he gets any of his love for me from, i dont do anything and he never acts like he cares about anything that i do yet he still says he loves me all the time.

 

[lpfx]

I wish I could provide you an answer that would solve your question.

All I can say is that I wish you well and hope that you find what you're looking for.

Best of luck to you, op, through our struggles do we find our strength.

 

[Dr.Sleep (Im tired)]

don't want to be too blunt, but unless the boy is coming back in less than a year, i would just break things off. phone calls and messages can only do so much. Find someone locally, touch goes a lot longer when someone says three regrettable words ("I love you"). If my theory of general relationships is correct, SO's are just friends that you fuck, and if you arn't having Sex... well... . I don't know, im an engineer, not a people person.

 

[SexyIncél]

He loves you because you're a person, complex as any, as you persist even when he doesn't see you. Maybe you're even a bit like Santa Claus (but attractive, don't twist my words! :), with benevolent love, busy working on presents for him

we hardly can hold a conversation together and once i started giving him the same energy he gives me, or the lack thereof, things have been completely distanced.

i seriously dont know where he gets any of his love for me from, i dont do anything and he never acts like he cares about anything that i do yet he still says he loves me all the time.

Hmm many need a lot of verbal stroking and reassurances. Otherwise you're stuck in your head with twisted funhouse mirrors

You say "honestly i have been a terrible girlfriend to my long distance boyfriend of one year", but is that feedback from him? Or just your mental picture of some ideal girlfriend who's better than you?

 

[hellispink]

There is no way to shorten the distance? If so maybe one is fighting against the inevitable

 

[starrvingstar]

There is no way to shorten the distance? If so maybe one is fighting against the inevitable

the connection is nonexistant, it needs a lot of effort and work that he may or may not be willing to put in. i need to bring up how i feel but i dont know if its worth it. i dont have enough energy for this haha.

He loves you because you're a person, complex as any, as you persist even when he doesn't see you. Maybe you're even a bit like Santa Claus (but attractive, don't twist my words! :), with benevolent love, busy working on presents for him


Hmm many need a lot of verbal stroking and reassurances. Otherwise you're stuck in your head with twisted funhouse mirrors

You say "honestly i have been a terrible girlfriend to my long distance boyfriend of one year", but is that feedback from him? Or just your mental picture of some ideal girlfriend who's better than you?

i try to pop in and give him reassurance but we never talk otherwise, i dont know whats going on in his life or mind.

its not feedback from him, but how can i be a good girlfriend when i put effort into maybe one out of 365 days lol. im constantly focused on myself.

 

[SexyIncél]

i try to pop in and give him reassurance but we never talk otherwise, i dont know whats going on in his life or mind.

Sorry if I misspoke! I just mean you seem to be going without the usual reassurances. Most people in your situation would be stuck in their heads, with twisted mirrors sucking out their confidence

its not feedback from him, but how can i be a good girlfriend when i put effort into maybe one out of 365 days lol. im constantly focused on myself.

Maybe you ARE a good girlfriend! Here's something I do. Before speaking with my counselor, I ask a companion: "is there anything you think I should mention? We're bugfixing me. Have I made you feel bad even in tiny ways? If you want a perfect companion, tell me!"

Of all the traits of a Bad Girlfriend, leveling up to Hot Girlfriend isn't one of them! Awwww pooor guy! hehe. All the pics you'll send him when you feel better about yourself, for him to <*cough*> to

Come on, what does Shitty Girlfriend do? Twist him into something he isn't, alternating between hot/cold, shattering him. No, if you don't mind me looking through your posting history, you seem just like we'd expect from an overly bright empathetic person beaten up by a fucked up society

You once told me you're a people pleaser. And you're always adjusting yourself to others, matching their energy, feeling bad when you don't have the energy/time for it. Maybe I'm missing something or you're leaving stuff out. But this sounds like Great Girlfriend material here. Maybe there's things countering it, like exhaustion or something, but the good-girlfriend mechanism's there

 

[charlotte_]

Well, you've already found your answer: take care and love yourself as much as he loves you, or even more. If he really loves you, then it your weight and appearance doesn't matter. If you want to receive love, then you must allow yourself to love and be loved. Sorry if I sound too literal or insensitive here but that's the truth.
Also, about the bad girlfriend part, I don't think you're a bad girlfriend. First thing, I assume this is one of your early relationships based on the context of your previous posts. Honestly, we all fuck up at the first stages. It's normal, and it's vital for your relationship to grow and for both of you to learn and mature. Second thing, it's true that you love him and are concerned for him am I right? You're trying to be better to feel worthy of texting him. If you care so much for him, then I suppose he's allowed to care about you just as much, is that true? But still, as I said before, you musn't feel so concerned for someone else's good. You should always focus on yourself and your feelings first. Someone who loves you would want you to love yourself, and if they don't, then they aren't worthy of your time and you should move on. Again, my apologies if I'm just saying the obvious. But really tho, I wish the best for you and hope things work out!

 

[starrvingstar]

Well, you've already found your answer: take care and love yourself as much as he loves you, or even more. If he really loves you, then it your weight and appearance doesn't matter. If you want to receive love, then you must allow yourself to love and be loved. Sorry if I sound too literal or insensitive here but that's the truth.
Also, about the bad girlfriend part, I don't think you're a bad girlfriend. First thing, I assume this is one of your early relationships based on the context of your previous posts. Honestly, we all fuck up at the first stages. It's normal, and it's vital for your relationship to grow and for both of you to learn and mature. Second thing, it's true that you love him and are concerned for him am I right? You're trying to be better to feel worthy of texting him. If you care so much for him, then I suppose he's allowed to care about you just as much, is that true? But still, as I said before, you musn't feel so concerned for someone else's good. You should always focus on yourself and your feelings first. Someone who loves you would want you to love yourself, and if they don't, then they aren't worthy of your time and you should move on. Again, my apologies if I'm just saying the obvious. But really tho, I wish the best for you and hope things work out!

thank you youre a sweetheart

Sorry if I misspoke! I just mean you seem to be going without the usual reassurances. Most people in your situation would be stuck in their heads, with twisted mirrors sucking out their confidence


Maybe you ARE a good girlfriend! Here's something I do. Before speaking with my counselor, I ask a companion: "is there anything you think I should mention? We're bugfixing me. Have I made you feel bad even in tiny ways? If you want a perfect companion, tell me!"

Of all the traits of a Bad Girlfriend, leveling up to Hot Girlfriend isn't one of them! Awwww pooor guy! hehe. All the pics you'll send him when you feel better about yourself, for him to <*cough*> to

Come on, what does Shitty Girlfriend do? Twist him into something he isn't, alternating between hot/cold, shattering him. No, if you don't mind me looking through your posting history, you seem just like we'd expect from an overly bright empathetic person beaten up by a fucked up society

You once told me you're a people pleaser. And you're always adjusting yourself to others, matching their energy, feeling bad when you don't have the energy/time for it. Maybe I'm missing something or you're leaving stuff out. But this sounds like Great Girlfriend material here. Maybe there's things countering it, like exhaustion or something, but the good-girlfriend mechanism's there

i dont think you misspoke at all dont worry at all. im definitely so exhausted which plays a huge role into the way i act and the energy i have, thanks for gathering all these qualities from what ive said here lol im always embarrassed about posting and the judgment people can make about me. i definitely can follow a script to a good girlfriend but its hard to feel the emotions connected.