Back story on why I want to CTB, some philosophy on life, questioning existence, things people ignore.

[Lifeless mindset]

If this belongs in the off topic section please reach out to me and I'll go there and post this.

"someone who thinks all the time has nothing to think about except thoughts. So he loses touch with reality and lives in a world of illusion" - Alan Watts

At the age of 10, me and my mom left my family. We moved states in search for a new life but little did I know, something much darker was waiting for me. With my mom struggling to put a roof over my head, she was constantly at work or out doing things in efforts to make ends meet. Since I never saw her much I was left to explore the world all by my lonesome.

This was my first time being in a big city so all of the tall buildings, bright lights, street art, and many people amazed me. Staying inside all day felt like torture so I would wonder around the city all day long. With this came the realization that I was completely alone. I struggled at first, but soon I learned how to use my imagination. I learned how to think. Most people are so caught up in their daily lives that they have no time to process anything and this can be extremely mentally exhausting and can lead to a multitude of mental issues.

I later on became my own best friend. I would have conversations with myself, I'd pretend to talk with and participate in activities with people who weren't there, I did whatever I had to do to pass the time. The longer I stayed inside of my own mind the more clearer things became…until they were no longer clear. Soon enough I found myself questioning things like why the city I lived in was so violent, why these people on the streets were homeless, why the adrenaline of hearing gunshots in the distance excited me, why I felt so comfortable with the realization of how just twisted and dark this world can be.

I began also questioning existence itself. When you question existence all the time you begin to drive yourself crazy. You find yourself making irrational theorizations and decisions, and soon enough you'll fall into a deep state of depression. Thinking about what happens after death can lead to those things as well.

A lot of people fail to realize that absolutely nothing is perfect, or at least to our knowledge. Perfectionism is something we created out of fear of not being who we need to be, where we need to be, when we need to be. We constantly compare ourselves to each other thinking that maybe if we had someone else's life or looks or fortune, maybe we wouldn't be suffering as much. Unfortunately, you will never have that persons life and even if you did have their life, that won't help you escape any suffering.

I recently made a post and in it I remember saying something along the lines of "if nothing is perfect then more than likely even death will not be perfect". It's comforting imagining that death will bring that nothingness that a lot of us hope for but we don't know that's how death will be. At the end of the day, death is neither perfect nor imperfect. Death simply is. The same goes for life. Life simply is. It is the way it is and constantly searching for answers will only lead to locked doors that may be impenetrable. I have been locked away in this solitary confinement of a mind and hopefully soon I will gather the materials and courage to hopefully release myself from this mental prison. Cowardice and selfish I may be, but human is all I am.

 

[foreverfalling]

Thanks for sharing your story. Questioning existence certainly leads you spiraling into the abyss all alone. And once you see it, you can't unsee it, it's too dark to return. So perhaps ending existence is the more appealing outcome, because existence is correlated to suffering from this view. All the illusions of life being worth living have been refuted internally, so there is no joy derived from living.

 

[FuneralCry]

At least to me the thought of permanent non existence is perfection and of course that's what I believe lies awaiting for us when we cease to exist. I only believe that perfection lies in the absence of everything and I do think that it's true that such a thing as perfection could never exist in this world, as I believe that humans are never really satisfied after all. But your post is very interesting and I agree that being conscious and aware of this world is a mental prison, at least it is to me. Having to exist is so burdensome and unnecessary and all that I've ever wished for is to finally be free from it all.