Venting Back here (for the last time, hopefully)

[FreedAtLast]

Been suicidal for a whole decade now, each time I got close to going through with it I ended up backing out cause I was still holding on to a sliver of hope. Not anymore.
I'm finally at an ideal situation that I can easily do it without being found. I can spend days, even a week home alone without seeing a single person and I can easily afford the method (SN). My mother already had meto in the cabinet too so I'm more than ready.

I just ordered SN for the second time. The first time a few months ago, the delivery process was becoming too complicated and I was having second thoughts since the situation I was in wasn't ideal for me to do it anyway so I ended up telling them to return it.

My reasons to ctb are just being tired of existence and all the bad things that come along with it. And now understanding that no matter how hard I try to improve my life the void will always be there (unless I was completely brainwashed into thinking all this is amazing, makes sense and has a purpose)

Catching the bus to nonexistence either this weekend or next week when I have everything ready and the timing feels right.

 

[Cerulea]

Hey there. Long term suicidal ideation is rough to live with. Especially while there are moments of wondering what, if anything, could get better and tolerable. Uncertainty can feel complicated and unfair.

Whatever your reasons are for wanting to vacate your current position, those reasons are yours and they are valid. I empathize with your reasoning. Our learned experiences help us decide what is right for us vs what is wrong for us.

I very recently ordered my SN as well. It's my first go at it so I'm hopefully that it won't take too long to arrive and there won't be complications. I hope you feel confident in your plan and that you find the comfort you're looking for. I wish you freedom.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm also very tired of existence and your feelings are understandable. To me life is just endless problems and suffering and this is why the thought of non existence comforts me so much as it's the end of everything. I wish you peace and freedom.

 

[FreedAtLast]

It's wild how much better I feel when I make ctb plans, write the scheduled goodbye email to my best friend, put on some anesthesia asmr to fall asleep to test out if I wanna go out listening to it when time comes.

It's this feeling like "wait, I'd actually wanna wake up again if I felt this peaceful and relaxed when I do so" but I know it's conditional on accepting you're gonna ctb soon...

Idk I feel like such a fraud and split personality or whatever after having said what I said two hours ago. It's embarrassing.

I'll still keep the SN when it arrives even though I'm so impulsive and all it takes for me is an inconvenience to act on impulse.

I also worry a lot about my cats, who aren't even truly my cats, just two strays that depend on me to feed them daily and give shelter when they need. The thought of those two furbabies starving cause none of the neighbors or my mother care just breaks my heart. Not to mention they're the only living beings that I can take comfort from in real life.

I don't know I don't know. Isn't it ironic how the sliver of hope to keep living comes from deciding to die? Such a neverending cycle.

 

[FreedAtLast]

So the SN arrived today. Delivery guy was making things difficult again asking me for directions and if a truck would fit the road near my house. Taking a long time to arrive also. But in the end I got my 1kg container with SN which sliced a bit of skin off my thumb as I was trying to open it with excitement just to check how it was.

I gotta be honest I haven't been feeling suicidal since the first post. I think extreme sleep deprivation triggers my suicidal thoughts a lot. I had been up for around 48hours when I started the thread.

I bought the SN out of impulse and now that it's here it's just kinda relieving tbh. Knowing I have that option if push comes to shove.