Hello there,
It's my first post here, even though I've been reading and reading for several months ago, and 4 years ago too, when this site still didn't need a subscription to read the threads. I never wanted to write here, weirdly, my mind has always been like split between the horror of this morbidity and the strong willing to leave this pain. As if I was different and, even though I wanted so much to die, this site and writing here carried too much morbidity and was kinda comforting into no-action, it's strange.
Anyway, this day has arrived where, after 4-5 months where I wasn't there, trying to get things better, suddenly things push me back there, and I don't know exactly why I'm writing here, or who will read it, or will I only be read, but I am now on the edge.
To sum up, I'm 34 and have a borderline personality disorder. I've been depressed for many years, when I was younger without really realising it, then I had several episodes of huge depression, like the one I'm in since September 2022.
Been in psychiatric clinic 3 times, trying to get better, 1st time it helped, second not at all, and the 3d time, this last winter, didn't help me with depression, just helped me go down from a cannabis-induced-psychosis.
Please excuse me if I'm saying too much, and also for my English, as it's not my native language.
I made many attempts younger, 3 with meds, once I tried to jump off from my 3rd floor (I know it's stupid), another I tried to jump off from a 6 floors building that was in reconstruction, but I wasn't sure of the height and stayed panicking at the top.
When I realised that I couldn't ctb with medication (the cocktails of antidepressants, benzodiazepines and mood regulator weren't enough), I decided myself for hanging.
Some months ago I had find the perfect place, isolated, height sufficient, and when I go back there with my rope, my alcohol and a firm will to ctb, I realised the place was closed.
Since this time, even though I was trying to recover, and to forbid myself to think about it, I sometimes had this pulsions, that I tried to fight. But I was really trying to get better.
Today my perfect younger brother, his girlfriend and their daughter, my niece, came for lunch at home, and as often, my brother told me something like « shake yourself, there is people living much worst stuffs, you are so lucky Mommy and Daddy are there to welcome you, blah blah blah », and this came to a point of massive argument, me crying that he blame me for what I'm leaving, him screaming on my face that he is tired of having a sister in depression since 15 years and I should have listened to him and not smoke weed, that I should listen to him when he say something, that now that he was out of him because of me, he would punch me, etc etc. I don't have the words to describe the violence of it. I finished by saying « fuck you, stop seeing ourselves » and have been unable to stop crying since.
Then one hour later I cross him as I was going to the bathroom, he was stone after he finally smoked his first joint and said « oh I'm sorry, come on I just want you to be the one I know you can be, I love you and want your best, come with us and the baby ».
What to say, I was crying, facing him, I forced myself to go with them for a while and cried, looking at my father with his grand-daughter and thinking « soon I won't see them anymore ».
So again I hope this wasn't too long and if anybody did read me, thank you.
There is a bridge in front of my parents house, I'm pretty sure I can surely attach the rope and the bridge is around 4-5 meters from the ground, this would be enough for a long drop hanging. What do you think about it? With the special hanging nose, I still have the rope, just have to wait for the night to come and not disturb my neighbours.
Thank you again, if you are reading me.
It's my first post here, even though I've been reading and reading for several months ago, and 4 years ago too, when this site still didn't need a subscription to read the threads. I never wanted to write here, weirdly, my mind has always been like split between the horror of this morbidity and the strong willing to leave this pain. As if I was different and, even though I wanted so much to die, this site and writing here carried too much morbidity and was kinda comforting into no-action, it's strange.
Anyway, this day has arrived where, after 4-5 months where I wasn't there, trying to get things better, suddenly things push me back there, and I don't know exactly why I'm writing here, or who will read it, or will I only be read, but I am now on the edge.
To sum up, I'm 34 and have a borderline personality disorder. I've been depressed for many years, when I was younger without really realising it, then I had several episodes of huge depression, like the one I'm in since September 2022.
Been in psychiatric clinic 3 times, trying to get better, 1st time it helped, second not at all, and the 3d time, this last winter, didn't help me with depression, just helped me go down from a cannabis-induced-psychosis.
Please excuse me if I'm saying too much, and also for my English, as it's not my native language.
I made many attempts younger, 3 with meds, once I tried to jump off from my 3rd floor (I know it's stupid), another I tried to jump off from a 6 floors building that was in reconstruction, but I wasn't sure of the height and stayed panicking at the top.
When I realised that I couldn't ctb with medication (the cocktails of antidepressants, benzodiazepines and mood regulator weren't enough), I decided myself for hanging.
Some months ago I had find the perfect place, isolated, height sufficient, and when I go back there with my rope, my alcohol and a firm will to ctb, I realised the place was closed.
Since this time, even though I was trying to recover, and to forbid myself to think about it, I sometimes had this pulsions, that I tried to fight. But I was really trying to get better.
Today my perfect younger brother, his girlfriend and their daughter, my niece, came for lunch at home, and as often, my brother told me something like « shake yourself, there is people living much worst stuffs, you are so lucky Mommy and Daddy are there to welcome you, blah blah blah », and this came to a point of massive argument, me crying that he blame me for what I'm leaving, him screaming on my face that he is tired of having a sister in depression since 15 years and I should have listened to him and not smoke weed, that I should listen to him when he say something, that now that he was out of him because of me, he would punch me, etc etc. I don't have the words to describe the violence of it. I finished by saying « fuck you, stop seeing ourselves » and have been unable to stop crying since.
Then one hour later I cross him as I was going to the bathroom, he was stone after he finally smoked his first joint and said « oh I'm sorry, come on I just want you to be the one I know you can be, I love you and want your best, come with us and the baby ».
What to say, I was crying, facing him, I forced myself to go with them for a while and cried, looking at my father with his grand-daughter and thinking « soon I won't see them anymore ».
So again I hope this wasn't too long and if anybody did read me, thank you.
There is a bridge in front of my parents house, I'm pretty sure I can surely attach the rope and the bridge is around 4-5 meters from the ground, this would be enough for a long drop hanging. What do you think about it? With the special hanging nose, I still have the rope, just have to wait for the night to come and not disturb my neighbours.
Thank you again, if you are reading me.
