Hi all. I started seriously thinking about suicide since I was 17. I'm 39 now, and it never really got better. I've been on the 'suicide internet' for a while. IRC, then some other forum. Not sure if I ever posted here. There have been periods with more distractions and productivity and periods with more despair. I was doing alright for a while, but work stress really has me down at the moment. I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping due to stress; I guess that doesn't help. I have some savings, but it won't last forever if I quit my job. I just envision a future of (eventual) homelessness if I quit my job and it fills me with despair.
It feels like I can't really think straight. I've been losing a lot sleep, first due to the work stress and now I have some kind of horrible flu. I'm also very isolated here, I've always been terrible with people, so I don't really have anyone to talk to or support me except my father, but he is old and his health is declining quickly. I don't know how I'll survive when he dies. He also lives kind of far away so I can't see him as much as I'd like.
Just not sure what to do. KMS, quit my job, try to make it work at the job, call in sick. I called in sick one day last week, but the sense of isolation and dreading a a homeless future made that day feel awful, so I went back in the next day (without getting any sleep). My head just keeps going around in the same circles and it's exhausting me. Add the flu and isolation and it just feels pretty bad at the moment.
I might be able to get an easier assignment at work (my manager mentioned it when I talked about my stress), but it feels like a humiliation and I wonder if it sets me up for getting fired down the line.
I've been on different medications in my life, but it feels like it never really helped. Not on anything right now. I feel like my brain just didn't develop right to have a good life. I was really isolated as a child (my parents divorced around the time of my birth). Then my mother got cancer and died when I was 11-13. I don't really have any family like other people seem to have. Also genetics probably didn't help me. I'm intelligent (in the 'good at math' sense), but that also makes me weird. It feels like at some point in a person's development your brain has a certain structure and it doesn't fundamentally change anymore from that point, it's just kind of set in stone. And my brain didn't get the right structure, so I'll always be feeling like this.
Suicide has always felt like the rational choice for me. Sometimes I've sat down and really try to think/plan for my life (sometimes with psychedelics), but I always end up with that same conclusion. Yet somehow I can never actually get myself to do it. I'm not sure what it is, maybe the fear of something going wrong in the attempt and ending up worse. I'm just endlessly procrastinating it.
It feels like I can't really think straight. I've been losing a lot sleep, first due to the work stress and now I have some kind of horrible flu. I'm also very isolated here, I've always been terrible with people, so I don't really have anyone to talk to or support me except my father, but he is old and his health is declining quickly. I don't know how I'll survive when he dies. He also lives kind of far away so I can't see him as much as I'd like.
Just not sure what to do. KMS, quit my job, try to make it work at the job, call in sick. I called in sick one day last week, but the sense of isolation and dreading a a homeless future made that day feel awful, so I went back in the next day (without getting any sleep). My head just keeps going around in the same circles and it's exhausting me. Add the flu and isolation and it just feels pretty bad at the moment.
I might be able to get an easier assignment at work (my manager mentioned it when I talked about my stress), but it feels like a humiliation and I wonder if it sets me up for getting fired down the line.
I've been on different medications in my life, but it feels like it never really helped. Not on anything right now. I feel like my brain just didn't develop right to have a good life. I was really isolated as a child (my parents divorced around the time of my birth). Then my mother got cancer and died when I was 11-13. I don't really have any family like other people seem to have. Also genetics probably didn't help me. I'm intelligent (in the 'good at math' sense), but that also makes me weird. It feels like at some point in a person's development your brain has a certain structure and it doesn't fundamentally change anymore from that point, it's just kind of set in stone. And my brain didn't get the right structure, so I'll always be feeling like this.
Suicide has always felt like the rational choice for me. Sometimes I've sat down and really try to think/plan for my life (sometimes with psychedelics), but I always end up with that same conclusion. Yet somehow I can never actually get myself to do it. I'm not sure what it is, maybe the fear of something going wrong in the attempt and ending up worse. I'm just endlessly procrastinating it.
