Here I am again after 3 years, hard to believe I've found myself back here, the only forum I've ever participated in. The only place I can safely share my true thoughts and feelings.
The past 3 years have been filled with both joy and pain. That's just life. The fact remains, and will always remain - no matter what I experience, I always wished I had CTB 3 years ago when I was on the brink. I would not have missed any of these experiences I've had since then, or even since I was born. I kick myself for not having done it back then when I was so close. I feel like it actually takes effort to get back to the deepest, darkest depths of that place, or maybe it just happens naturally when things REALLY fall apart and I just have to wait til it does again. I find myself wanting to push myself in that direction instead of trying to once again head towards some kind of future. Every time I pull myself out of the hole, nothing ever works out and I find myself right back in it eventually, it's exhausting. It would be a blessing to be on the brink again - maybe this time I'd actually go through with it.
In 2 years I'll be 40 and if nothing has changed by then, I hope I will have the courage to end it. I am one of the lucky few that managed to acquire N back when it was available in 2021 (at least I think it's N). I followed the PPH to the letter. I asked for a sealed labelled bottle and instead received a decanted bottle labelled as something innocuous for obvious reasons. I don't know if it's N. I'm too scared to open it to at least smell it because I'm scared the oxygen will react with it and degrade it even more than it already has since it was decanted. Even if I did open it and smell it, I don't know what N is supposed to smell like lol. Fuck knows what is even in there! But I have loved having it in my possession all this time, it's my safety blanket, my one way ticket out if things get too much. Just having it gives me peace of mind (even if part of me thinks it might be just water in there lol). Though I have no meto (gotta get onto that). Who knows how long it will be good for, if it's even N. I don't want to rush anything but I'd hate to miss my chance to use my first class, gold standard ticket out.
Even when I achieve things I thought would fulfil me, it doesn't. Other things I desperately want from life are out of my reach, most likely forever. I am just rotting away with no purpose. I lack love in my life, whether family, friends, or romance. I'm staring to get too old to continue for too much longer in the profession I love (but also leaves me perpetually broke). There are some important people, but it never seems like enough, or that they really care. I go through the motions every day, wondering what is wrong with me, why I can't be happy or at least content when on the outside, my life isn't actually that bad. Still, I struggle to get out of bed, sometimes for days. I hear and see stories of other people's MUCH MUCH more unfortunate situations and wonder how they still want to be here and I don't. I'm disappointed that 9 years of therapy never worked. Something is broken in me and always has been. I held out hope for so long that things would get better... they never did and show only signs of getting worse. I fantasise about finally going through with it and it makes me smile. The peace and oblivion must be blissful, finally being free of everything.
I am still not in the darkest depths yet. There are tiny glowing embers, little glimmers of hope. I think they are illusions though, I think the human mind is hell bent on self preservation and will do whatever it possibly can to make you believe there's still a chance, until it can't deny reality anymore... I feel like the fact that I'm back on this forum (and not just lurking, actually even posting) is my "warning sign" that things are about to take a nose dive... It is both scary and comforting to peer down into the depths while I try and work up the courage to fall.
Thanks for this space, for all of us lost souls who share the despair of life and make each other feel less alone, even if it's just through a screen. I hope we all manage a few moments of respite today from the unrelenting weight of these dark clouds - a funny cat video, a silly chat with a good friend, getting lost in a video game, falling asleep to the sound of rain, a new recipe that turned out better than expected, taking a recreational dose of valium or oxy lol, I dunno, whatever makes you smile and forget for a moment the crushing reality of a meaningless, worthless life wasted. Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I just needed to vent tonight.
The past 3 years have been filled with both joy and pain. That's just life. The fact remains, and will always remain - no matter what I experience, I always wished I had CTB 3 years ago when I was on the brink. I would not have missed any of these experiences I've had since then, or even since I was born. I kick myself for not having done it back then when I was so close. I feel like it actually takes effort to get back to the deepest, darkest depths of that place, or maybe it just happens naturally when things REALLY fall apart and I just have to wait til it does again. I find myself wanting to push myself in that direction instead of trying to once again head towards some kind of future. Every time I pull myself out of the hole, nothing ever works out and I find myself right back in it eventually, it's exhausting. It would be a blessing to be on the brink again - maybe this time I'd actually go through with it.
In 2 years I'll be 40 and if nothing has changed by then, I hope I will have the courage to end it. I am one of the lucky few that managed to acquire N back when it was available in 2021 (at least I think it's N). I followed the PPH to the letter. I asked for a sealed labelled bottle and instead received a decanted bottle labelled as something innocuous for obvious reasons. I don't know if it's N. I'm too scared to open it to at least smell it because I'm scared the oxygen will react with it and degrade it even more than it already has since it was decanted. Even if I did open it and smell it, I don't know what N is supposed to smell like lol. Fuck knows what is even in there! But I have loved having it in my possession all this time, it's my safety blanket, my one way ticket out if things get too much. Just having it gives me peace of mind (even if part of me thinks it might be just water in there lol). Though I have no meto (gotta get onto that). Who knows how long it will be good for, if it's even N. I don't want to rush anything but I'd hate to miss my chance to use my first class, gold standard ticket out.
Even when I achieve things I thought would fulfil me, it doesn't. Other things I desperately want from life are out of my reach, most likely forever. I am just rotting away with no purpose. I lack love in my life, whether family, friends, or romance. I'm staring to get too old to continue for too much longer in the profession I love (but also leaves me perpetually broke). There are some important people, but it never seems like enough, or that they really care. I go through the motions every day, wondering what is wrong with me, why I can't be happy or at least content when on the outside, my life isn't actually that bad. Still, I struggle to get out of bed, sometimes for days. I hear and see stories of other people's MUCH MUCH more unfortunate situations and wonder how they still want to be here and I don't. I'm disappointed that 9 years of therapy never worked. Something is broken in me and always has been. I held out hope for so long that things would get better... they never did and show only signs of getting worse. I fantasise about finally going through with it and it makes me smile. The peace and oblivion must be blissful, finally being free of everything.
I am still not in the darkest depths yet. There are tiny glowing embers, little glimmers of hope. I think they are illusions though, I think the human mind is hell bent on self preservation and will do whatever it possibly can to make you believe there's still a chance, until it can't deny reality anymore... I feel like the fact that I'm back on this forum (and not just lurking, actually even posting) is my "warning sign" that things are about to take a nose dive... It is both scary and comforting to peer down into the depths while I try and work up the courage to fall.
Thanks for this space, for all of us lost souls who share the despair of life and make each other feel less alone, even if it's just through a screen. I hope we all manage a few moments of respite today from the unrelenting weight of these dark clouds - a funny cat video, a silly chat with a good friend, getting lost in a video game, falling asleep to the sound of rain, a new recipe that turned out better than expected, taking a recreational dose of valium or oxy lol, I dunno, whatever makes you smile and forget for a moment the crushing reality of a meaningless, worthless life wasted. Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I just needed to vent tonight.
. . im 174 pounds 79kg . Got up to 190 lbs . Managed to lose 16 . I want to get down to 145-150. I'm losing weight so N or SN WILL be more effective .
I'm sure you'll get to your goal weight soon!
