Back Again

[cactusflower]

Things are t as bad as they were but I still feel a deep suicidality within me that I wish would go away or at least lessen in severity. I suspect my antidepressants aren't doing anything at all and I may have to switch over... Have an appointment at the end of the month for this.

I'm just really out of it. Everyday feels like a chore, and my ex really ripped my heart out of me over and over. We had an on and off again relationship and I feel this last time may be the final time. He just made so many promises to me and didn't keep them, and we talked about the future and just... Everything. I had hope for once, and he just had to rip it away because his life is out of control and he wanted someone to blame. I get that he has his own issues to work through, and I was always supportive of him, but it's impossible to maintain that level of patience. I blew up on him this last time so I suspect I've driven him away forever.

My dad's passing last year is still weighing on my mind every fucking day. I wish the pain would lessen, but it seems to still linger in my mind every day and night. It's crazy to me that I'm closer to the anniversary of his death than the death itself.. I still remember it vividly in my mind. He died in front of me while I was holding his hand. I suspect I may have some form of PTSD from this.

I feel like there is too much to talk to my therapist about, right now we are working on my codependency issues but I feel like all my issues kind of clash.. there's not enough time in each session to thoroughly explore them all. It's difficult to prioritize your problems when they all affect you.

Sorry for the long post. I feel like this is the only place I can go to voice these thoughts without people being overly concern d, or calling me needy, or calling me a burden.

 

[timf]

When dealing with the aftermath of a breakup it can be useful to review what might have been discernible earlier that would have helped you avoid such a painful entanglement. These sort of insights can be useful to build skills to avoid future pain.

 

[cactusflower]

When dealing with the aftermath of a breakup it can be useful to review what might have been discernible earlier that would have helped you avoid such a painful entanglement. These sort of insights can be useful to build skills to avoid future pain.

I definitely think so. There were some pretty big flags at the beginning of the relationship. I felt like he idealized who I was and put an impossible standard on me that was difficult to maintain, so I would ultimately always let him down.