Venting back again, feeling suicidal since my gfs about to break up with me

[jisatsu chan]

i was actually recovering for a while because hip hip hooray i got into a relationship with a wonderful girl! however, its been 2 or so weeks since she had a personality 180 and completely stopped texting me-- this was the night after we had the smallest, pettiest argument ever and i acted a bit passive aggressive after it but we've had worse arguments than that so i don't really know if that's what ticked her off or what. i've tried to start conversations about it and she initially told me that it was "probably us" for the reason she was acting this way, and not much else

when i was younger, i had a similar situation where i was groomed online and i fell obsessively in love with him (i have developed an obsession with her now because of this event) ((bpd, sorry)), and it ended with him randomly ghosting me. it took me 4 years to recover from that, and now she's doing the same thing to me. i cant imagine how long it would take for me to recover from her, because she genuinely loved me at some point. it sort of feels like im with him sometimes again, at the start of our relationship she almost broke up with me because i wasn't being sexual enough. i've tried really hard to be sexual since then, and recently i've stopped since i need to study, and i'm scared that's why she's being like this?

she's deliberately avoiding saying she loves me back, too. what pushed me over the edge to fully feeling this way is that it's our anniversary today, and i texted her happy anniversary and she said she doesn't know if this counts as an anniversary anymore. loooooooooooooololololol

god, i dont know. i'm so lost and it feels horrible knowing there's absolutely nothing i can do to fix this because she is not responsive at all. she knows of my depression and my suicidal ideation, so i dont know why she'd do something like this to me in the first place in this cruel, dragged out way. if ur gonna break up with me just do it, right? we always make up and things are fine, i dont know what i did wrong this time. we had big stuff planned next month, and now that's definitely not going to happen. trust my instinct when i know she's going to break up with me after my exams are over, that's a non-negotiable, i'm not being delusional or something. i hate heartbreak. she was such a unique person that i'm never going to meet again. i cant believe i screwed it up again. i hate myself. i just feel bad for feeling this way because i'm afraid she'll figure out how i am and feel pressured to stay with me. i just want her to be happy, even if that means breaking up with me. but i still want her back so so so bad.

i just can't deal with this. she was the nicest person i've ever met, and she really went out of her way to understand me and my boundaries and my interests. i've never felt appreciated like this, and then i wake up one day and it's suddenly gone. i feel like i've woken up in the book of job. i've told her the most intimate things about myself and how i think and feel that other people would depise me for, but she just accepted me. i feel so horribly suicidal and i hate myself for feeling this way, because it's really not her fault and i don't want her to feel guilty. i just can't help reacting like this, my emotions are extreme. even if she hadn't come into my life, i still would have done this so it's not her fault, but now that i'm sure i won't have her soon it's making me think of what life was like without her. so dull and gray and empty and devoid of meaning, surrounded by horrible people who couldn't give the smallest shit about me if their life depended on it. my life had only felt good while i was with her because i knew i had her love, and i knew i wanted to build a future with her, but i still wasn't passionate about my education or career, so all that's gonna change when she leaves me is that i just have no hope for anyone loving me. when she leaves me i'll just go back to my old self who doesn't care about what happens to me, i just can't do it. i really can't. there's no point.

lol, it feels kinda weird to be back on this forum. when uve felt genuine happiness like i felt, its hard to imagine feeling anything but that for the rest of ur life, especially when you have an incredible person like her in ur life. but i think im destined to die alone, i'm too hard to deal with and i don't want to burden anybody else with my intense emotions. it's hard thinking about her finding somebody else, but well, i won't have to think about that for long right! get it, cus suicide.... badum tssssssss

i'm still figuring out the date, but probably in a couple months, before life gets too intense without her. i dont know. i miss her so much man and she hasn't even broken up with me yet!!!!

 

[here_for_now]

I understand how you feel, but i want to remind you that's it not your fault. It's evident on this thread that's youve tried your very best to accommodate her needs and to be honest, it seems like she is not doing the same towards you. Based on what you told me, it seems like a one sided relationship with you trying your best and her obviously not.

And she is doing stuff she know will hurt you such as "she's deliberately avoiding saying she loves me back, too. what pushed me over the edge to fully feeling this way is that it's our anniversary today, and i texted her happy anniversary and she said she doesn't know if this counts as an anniversary anymore."

This is my opinion and whatever you decide i will support you either way, but I highly suggest you go no contact on her and breakup. That means block her on everything and avoid contacting her or meeting her, she might call you on a burner number but if you accidentally pick up a random call and you hear her… you hang up and block that number again

Im saying to do this because i care about your well being and i dont want you to be emotionally invested in someone who isnt trying at all. If i had to guess why she did a personality 180 and stopped texting you and started to act distant, id wager its because she is losing interest in you and she found someone else she is interested in. She might be acting this way so you break up with her first so she doesnt have have to initiate breaking up with you

Of course I could be wrong but this is what usually happens based on my experience, it's fucked up but please get out now. You seem like a sweet person and a loving person, and you deserve WAYY better caliber of people than her. Because in my experience if you stay, it will only end badly

(of course im not saying this is happening but based on what youve said, it appears to me that she lacks the maturity to communicate what she is feeling and there is already tension in the relationship that doesnt seem to be really your fault because even after youve had that argument you still expressed your love for her and you remembered to celebrate your anniversary)

But something doesnt feel right, and i dont want you to find out and get your heartbroken. Please dont confront her and ask if its another person, because either way this relationship sadly doesnt seem like its going to last and honestly i am confident sadly this will only end in your heartbreak if you countuine to stay. Because it takes two to have a relationship work and if she isn't interested anymore, which her actions seem to indicate, sadly there is nothing you can do but just love the times youve had together and let go

I wish I could give you some ice cream and the finest weed edibles or weed vape to get you through this but if you need to vent to me and ask for advice or just want to vent and talk about anything, ill be here.

Sending love and hugs to you

 

[angelhopes]

Hello! I am going through the same thing. I was very vulnerable with my ex that broke up with me in all aspesct even intimately and it sucks. It was also one of the reason why im back on this forum too LOL.

One thing I learned though, is don't beat yourself up about it. Like you said, you did everyting so it was entirely her choice. Try to focus on yourself and sorround yourself with people who cares for you. Doesn't matter how many they are as long as there's atleast one person who is willing to listen to you.

I agree with going no contact so you can process this break up more. I really wish I can send hugs through the screen right now. Im sorry this happened to you but trust me youll meet better people in the future. :)

I haven't move on with my ex yet but I just keep on reminding myself with this quote that I found:

"When you truly love someone, you have to learn the art of waiting. love is not about rushing, demanding, or forcing things to fall into place. sometimes the person you love needs time to heal, to grow, or to Simply find their way back to themselves. and if your love is real, you'll give them that space without making them feel guilty for it. waiting doesn't mean putting your life on hold, it means keeping faith in a bond that is strong enough to survive distance, silence, and time. the love that is meant for you will never be lost, it will return when both hearts are ready."