Awkward/awkwardness

[unabletocope]

I had things going once. But then I kept being awkward. Things kept happening, I kept screwing up in awkward ways. Now I am so screwed up I am going to die. Sometimes we do ourselves in, not because we want to but because we're so awkward we can't help it. I've suffered all my life because of how awkward I am, I struggle to cope with being awkward and end up being more awkward and then end up twisting and fucking myself up even more. Now I'm so fucked up I can't recognise myself. I can see that, and I can also see how I need to die to escape it. Life is not fun when you're this awkward and you've gone so fucking wrong your head is completely overloaded, boiling, an awkward spectacle that other people laugh and make jokes at. I want to die, I wish I had never been born, as long as I kill myself properly I can be free, I may be awkward and have been awkward on life but I'm not making my suicide awkward, I'm not making awkward mistakes with suicide that help me alive but stuck as a vegetable, my suicide will be my chance to escape my awkward life and correct my awkwardness once and for all, my opportunity to leave all the awkwardness behind forever.
All the support I get can't change how much my awkwardness has fucked up my life. I don't want to be reduced to needing help like this, I want to die.
I realise what has held me back from more directed attempts up to now. The awkwardness of my life, and how that awkwardness has affected my ability to feel secure with an attempt.
Any support I get with awkwardness makes me feel degraded, like a freak. My support group makes me feel like a freak.