I am probably on the auitsm spectrum. I wasn't all that aware for many years. I thought I am just weird because of my past psychoses. But I was wrong.
I have some people on the autism spectrum in my friend group. And I see many people on the spectrum on here. I have the feeling some autists (not that few) have a special relation to life and death.
For some autists it is their special interest to hate life and to crave for death. I am pretty careful to give other people advices on here. I am also very careful when it comes to committing suicide because I know a lot could go wrong. But actually since I am a teenager. Since I thought more about everything. I never really got why it would be so bad to be dead. I can understand that other people want to live. And I had this talk with my friends a lot. I told them. If you just died this second without being aware of it prior to it. Theoretically it wouldn't matter to you. You cannot be unhappy when you're dead. You cannot regret to have died. The experience is worse for the people you leave behind. Personally, I think funerals are mostly for the people who have to carry the loss.
Most of my friends really fear to die. I have one autistic friend who just loves life. And I wonder if I never experienced all this abuse whether I would have turned out like him. He knows he would not want to procreate because with autism you already struggle. And maybe your child could also be on the spectrum.
If my friend who is very autistic talks about life. I simply don't get it. It is like a foreign language I don't speak. Sometimes I cannot grasp how our experience of things can be this diametrical. I really don't get how people can be happy about the small things in life. There is something in my head that simply doesn't align with that. I am probably unthankful. I just have a different model in my mind. And it is more driven by anxiety. I fear poverty. Because I adapted to this lifestyle. I fear not being able to play video games with my friends anymore. I fear not being able to eat what I like to eat. I fear being forced to live somewhere else. And all of that makes me want to kill myself. It feels like my thinking is inverse to the mode of healthy individuals. I give one example. He often writes me a text message how amazing this dinner was. How amazing his workout was. How much he enjoyed to take a walk in the nature. I don't understand this. All of this doesn't matter to me. Maybe I simply have different preferences. And for sure his mindset is healthier than mine. He is also endlessly optimistic. And in some way this is admirable and I compliment him a lot for always cheering me up. He even has less dating experience than me. And still he never loses hope.
When he tells me this or that was amazing. I am often in my mind like okay when I do something like I really don't give a single fuck about that, it doesn't give me anything, for me it is more a chore and actually when I do what he considers amazing I often tell my in my mind why not committing suicide. I often tell me in my mind that I would like to kill myself so badly.
I ruminate more about the things I don't have. There was a time where I really thought going to college studying politics would make me extremely happy. For a long time I thought it would induce a hypomanic epsisode. I often dreamed about going there. But I felt so bad for not being able to do it. After some years I eventually went to a university and studied politics. It made me really fucking depressed and anxious. In the longrun the disastrous impact on my mental health almost made me kill myself. One reason was that I am way too much of a mental wreck. I couldn't cope with all the stress. In some ways the courses were fulfilling. But also in a toxic way. For me it was more about status and it drove my imposter syndrom to insanity. When I wasn't in college I dreamed about going there. When I was there I was really suicidal and it made everything so much worse. When my mental health deteriorated further and further there was the only choice going to a clinic or killing myself because I wasn't able to stomach college anymore. And when I quit college I had a guily conscience. But it also was a real significant relief. I was so relieved not having to have the weight on my shoulders. But after a while this thankfulness was replaced by resentment. I envied healthy people who are able to particpate in it. I also envy my friends who soon will have their degrees. Sometimess I also caught me thinking I wish I was in college again. But I know the horrible impact on my mental health now. My point is: I cannot be thankful for anything. I often have a pleasant anticipation when I order something online. But in general most of the time I am just anxious and in pain. I wish I just I never became a sentient being. The experience was overall bad. And so much horrible shit happened. I have been through so much shit, I have so many scars the net value will never be close to zero. And my life quality seems to get a lot worse when I will have to live in poverty. When my parents are dead.
I think my thinking isn't healthy. I would not recommend it to anyone else. And it would probably better for me not to think in this way. But I don't see it. I can remember when I was a small child at the kitchen table. My parents talked about natural disasters and my mom told my dad they would simply give us kids medicine for a peaceful death if something extremely bad happened to us. I think anecdotes like that shaped my thinking around this topic. But probably not in a decisive way.
I have some people on the autism spectrum in my friend group. And I see many people on the spectrum on here. I have the feeling some autists (not that few) have a special relation to life and death.
For some autists it is their special interest to hate life and to crave for death. I am pretty careful to give other people advices on here. I am also very careful when it comes to committing suicide because I know a lot could go wrong. But actually since I am a teenager. Since I thought more about everything. I never really got why it would be so bad to be dead. I can understand that other people want to live. And I had this talk with my friends a lot. I told them. If you just died this second without being aware of it prior to it. Theoretically it wouldn't matter to you. You cannot be unhappy when you're dead. You cannot regret to have died. The experience is worse for the people you leave behind. Personally, I think funerals are mostly for the people who have to carry the loss.
Most of my friends really fear to die. I have one autistic friend who just loves life. And I wonder if I never experienced all this abuse whether I would have turned out like him. He knows he would not want to procreate because with autism you already struggle. And maybe your child could also be on the spectrum.
If my friend who is very autistic talks about life. I simply don't get it. It is like a foreign language I don't speak. Sometimes I cannot grasp how our experience of things can be this diametrical. I really don't get how people can be happy about the small things in life. There is something in my head that simply doesn't align with that. I am probably unthankful. I just have a different model in my mind. And it is more driven by anxiety. I fear poverty. Because I adapted to this lifestyle. I fear not being able to play video games with my friends anymore. I fear not being able to eat what I like to eat. I fear being forced to live somewhere else. And all of that makes me want to kill myself. It feels like my thinking is inverse to the mode of healthy individuals. I give one example. He often writes me a text message how amazing this dinner was. How amazing his workout was. How much he enjoyed to take a walk in the nature. I don't understand this. All of this doesn't matter to me. Maybe I simply have different preferences. And for sure his mindset is healthier than mine. He is also endlessly optimistic. And in some way this is admirable and I compliment him a lot for always cheering me up. He even has less dating experience than me. And still he never loses hope.
When he tells me this or that was amazing. I am often in my mind like okay when I do something like I really don't give a single fuck about that, it doesn't give me anything, for me it is more a chore and actually when I do what he considers amazing I often tell my in my mind why not committing suicide. I often tell me in my mind that I would like to kill myself so badly.
I ruminate more about the things I don't have. There was a time where I really thought going to college studying politics would make me extremely happy. For a long time I thought it would induce a hypomanic epsisode. I often dreamed about going there. But I felt so bad for not being able to do it. After some years I eventually went to a university and studied politics. It made me really fucking depressed and anxious. In the longrun the disastrous impact on my mental health almost made me kill myself. One reason was that I am way too much of a mental wreck. I couldn't cope with all the stress. In some ways the courses were fulfilling. But also in a toxic way. For me it was more about status and it drove my imposter syndrom to insanity. When I wasn't in college I dreamed about going there. When I was there I was really suicidal and it made everything so much worse. When my mental health deteriorated further and further there was the only choice going to a clinic or killing myself because I wasn't able to stomach college anymore. And when I quit college I had a guily conscience. But it also was a real significant relief. I was so relieved not having to have the weight on my shoulders. But after a while this thankfulness was replaced by resentment. I envied healthy people who are able to particpate in it. I also envy my friends who soon will have their degrees. Sometimess I also caught me thinking I wish I was in college again. But I know the horrible impact on my mental health now. My point is: I cannot be thankful for anything. I often have a pleasant anticipation when I order something online. But in general most of the time I am just anxious and in pain. I wish I just I never became a sentient being. The experience was overall bad. And so much horrible shit happened. I have been through so much shit, I have so many scars the net value will never be close to zero. And my life quality seems to get a lot worse when I will have to live in poverty. When my parents are dead.
I think my thinking isn't healthy. I would not recommend it to anyone else. And it would probably better for me not to think in this way. But I don't see it. I can remember when I was a small child at the kitchen table. My parents talked about natural disasters and my mom told my dad they would simply give us kids medicine for a peaceful death if something extremely bad happened to us. I think anecdotes like that shaped my thinking around this topic. But probably not in a decisive way.
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