Autism/Asperger’s is a curse

[Deadman000_]

As a child I used to wonder what was wrong with me. Why I can't be normal, why I'm marginalized/hated by my peers. Why can't I improve my social skills no matter how hard I try? Why are these dark thoughts in my head? Maybe I should just kill myself.

And this was before I failed an extreme suicide attempt and was locked in a state hospital for a year. Before anyone had tried to kill me. Before my feet were disabled to where I can't drive, and before my serotonin receptors were ruined by those disgusting pills they forced onto me.

I see why it's called suicidal ideation. It used to be an emotionally charged thing for me, now it's something colder, it's just a rational choice. My life is shit, I'm autistic, will die alone, probably poor, and most definitely unhappy. And that isn't fair. However there is a cure, and for me it's a handful of pills or a bullet to the head, and after that, I'm not going into the light to be put back here, it's my choice now. And the torture I was subjected to by people for failing those first few times, is much worse than any damage done to my body.

 

[sheepgirl]

I'm autistic too and it's rough. Apparently I'm one of the easiest autistic people to work with according to my worker even when I go into crisis. Couldn't imagine what some of the more difficult people experience

 

[BringMeToLife]

Aspie here, I totally get you. We are fucked for life

 

[SantasHelper]

I have autism too and it is hard. Living w autism is pain and suffering 24/7. Even when you're "happy" it's overwhelming

 

[Ambivalent1]

Aspie here, I totally get you. We are fucked for life

What's it like to have Asperger's?

 

[BringMeToLife]

What's it like to have Asperger's?

Autism is a spectrum and affects everyone differently, but here's my experience:
I personally hate leaving the house, interacting with others. The presence of people around me makes me uncomfortable, I get anxiety attacks. I can't meet people or start relationships. I can't start a conversation and I can't keep it up. When I have to do something as simple as going to the store, I panic. I can't tell the cashier what I'm looking for. When I need help, I am unable to ask for it. My biggest problem is school. I have huge problems with attending classes. Once I go to school, I can't go more than 3 hours without selfharm. No anxiety meds or antidepressants help me. The only thing that helps me calm down is selfharm. When I am in a strange place ( a place other than my home, all others seem foreign to me) I feel like a dog or other animal afraid of fireworks on New Year's Eve. I can't concentrate, every sound distracts me, I can't always isolate one sound and focus my attention on it, listen to it, because all the sounds blend together.
Because of that I have to be home-schooled. I don't have any friends in real life, and I can't keep in touch with people I meet online. I lose mental energy very easily and have to take frequent breaks from conversations.
But I'D LOVE TO HAVE FRIENDS. It's just so hard you know...? I wanna be able to talk like others do, have fun... But I can't.
I also have my own routine, habits that I have to stick to every day. I have to do everything on time. For example, I have to wake up at 5:00 in the morning, prepare breakfast by 5:25, take a shower at 6:00 pm. There's more but the list would be too long.
I get obsessed easily, which is good, but also bad for obvious reasons.
I can't control my emotions, facial expressions, tone of voice. I often react inappropriately, which makes people think I'm angry, annoyed, mean.

I'm sure I could've said more but I can't think of anything else for now.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Autism is a spectrum and affects everyone differently, but here's my experience:
I personally hate leaving the house, interacting with others. The presence of people around me makes me uncomfortable, I get anxiety attacks. I can't meet people or start relationships. I can't start a conversation and I can't keep it up. When I have to do something as simple as going to the store, I panic. I can't tell the cashier what I'm looking for. When I need help, I am unable to ask for it. My biggest problem is school. I have huge problems with attending classes. Once I go to school, I can't go more than 3 hours without selfharm. No anxiety meds or antidepressants help me. The only thing that helps me calm down is selfharm. When I am in a strange place ( a place other than my home, all others seem foreign to me) I feel like a dog or other animal afraid of fireworks on New Year's Eve. I can't concentrate, every sound distracts me, I can't always isolate one sound and focus my attention on it, listen to it, because all the sounds blend together.
Because of that I have to be home-schooled. I don't have any friends in real life, and I can't keep in touch with people I meet online. I lose mental energy very easily and have to take frequent breaks from conversations.
But I'D LOVE TO HAVE FRIENDS. It's just so hard you know...? I wanna be able to talk like others do, have fun... But I can't.
I also have my own routine, habits that I have to stick to every day. I have to do everything on time. For example, I have to wake up at 5:00 in the morning, prepare breakfast by 5:25, take a shower at 6:00 pm. There's more but the list would be too long.
I get obsessed easily, which is good, but also bad for obvious reasons.
I can't control my emotions, facial expressions, tone of voice. I often react inappropriately, which makes people think I'm angry, annoyed, mean.

I'm sure I could've said more but I can't think of anything else for now.

Sounds awful.

 

[BringMeToLife]

Sounds awful.

It is.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrific what you've had to endure, at least the way that I see it, autistic people aren't meant to exist in this cruel world. It's so hellish how suicide attempts can potentially go wrong and how life can torture people so endlessly, to me suicide is certainly a perfectly logical choice in a world like this.

 

[Hugh Class]

I have a young daughter with severe autism.... she cannot talk and cannot understand people... and she will harm herself when she is frustrated.

My wife is a selfish bxtch.... who has pushed my daughter into therapy classes but that has increased her anger and self harm. I was gone for 3 years because of covid restrictions made it difficult to travel home....i immediately put an end to her therapy classes after i went to one session..it was a shxt show... the therapist and her assistants clearly didn't understand austim at all. My wife was angry, i permanently ended that therapy.

My wife had good intentions but she is a big big idioit.

My daughter is at home.... no visitors... no family member visits,.... she is allowed to do whatever she wants at home.... total peace and quiet. She is very happy. She enjoys taking motorcycle rides....but i hates to go to any shop or store....so, we never stop anywhere.

But reading your stories has confirmed to me, i was right....my daughter suffered extreme anxiety from her autism.... even though she couldn't explain that to me... i just knew it.

 

[PlanB]

Autism is a spectrum and affects everyone differently, but here's my experience:
I personally hate leaving the house, interacting with others. The presence of people around me makes me uncomfortable, I get anxiety attacks. I can't meet people or start relationships. I can't start a conversation and I can't keep it up. When I have to do something as simple as going to the store, I panic. I can't tell the cashier what I'm looking for. When I need help, I am unable to ask for it. My biggest problem is school. I have huge problems with attending classes. Once I go to school, I can't go more than 3 hours without selfharm. No anxiety meds or antidepressants help me. The only thing that helps me calm down is selfharm. When I am in a strange place ( a place other than my home, all others seem foreign to me) I feel like a dog or other animal afraid of fireworks on New Year's Eve. I can't concentrate, every sound distracts me, I can't always isolate one sound and focus my attention on it, listen to it, because all the sounds blend together.
Because of that I have to be home-schooled. I don't have any friends in real life, and I can't keep in touch with people I meet online. I lose mental energy very easily and have to take frequent breaks from conversations.
But I'D LOVE TO HAVE FRIENDS. It's just so hard you know...? I wanna be able to talk like others do, have fun... But I can't.
I also have my own routine, habits that I have to stick to every day. I have to do everything on time. For example, I have to wake up at 5:00 in the morning, prepare breakfast by 5:25, take a shower at 6:00 pm. There's more but the list would be too long.
I get obsessed easily, which is good, but also bad for obvious reasons.
I can't control my emotions, facial expressions, tone of voice. I often react inappropriately, which makes people think I'm angry, annoyed, mean.

I'm sure I could've said more but I can't think of anything else for now.

I am also autistic and I deal with the majority of this. I feel like I live in a glass jar where I can see everyone else being happy and living life.

 

[BringMeToLife]

I am also autistic and I deal with the majority of this. I feel like I live in a glass jar where I can see everyone else being happy and living life.

Exactly. I feel like a ghost in this world.

 

[poa.alpina]

Aspie here as well, can relate to all of that... it sucks, and there is only one way to alleviate it

 

[Ambivalent1]

It is.

I have a young relative who has it. She seems fine and enjoys being alone. She loves to read and is very smart. She can't stand being overly stimulated though. Is she secretly suffering all the time? She often comes across as someone who doesn't seem to worry about anything.

 

[BringMeToLife]

I have a young relative who has it. She seems fine and enjoys being alone. She loves to read and is very smart. She can't stand being overly stimulated though. Is she secretly suffering all the time? She often comes across as someone who doesn't seem to worry about anything.

I think you need to ask her to know the answer. I also enjoy being alone, reading books, can't stand being overly stimulated, but it doesn't mean she is the same as I am and has to be constantly suffering. She might have a way to deal with all of this. I'm very weak, maybe she is stronger than me.

 

[PlanB]

I have a young relative who has it. She seems fine and enjoys being alone. She loves to read and is very smart. She can't stand being overly stimulated though. Is she secretly suffering all the time? She often comes across as someone who doesn't seem to worry about anything.

It very much depends. I was raised in a household of autistics, so I did not have real issues until school and had to be around non-autistic people. It got to the point where in my freshman year at high school I would wish to get hurt so I could do my work at home. I would stand at the too of a flight of stairs and debate throwing myself down. I did not feel suicidal until I moved out fir college though. Being out in the world drilled into me how there was something unacceptable about me.

 

[Yavannah]

i agree
its a never ending nightmare!!!
people like us should be granted assisted dying
we are not cut out for life

 

[another horizon]

I can't stop imagining hypothetical conversations and obsessing over real social interactions.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

It's a horrible existence. I can fake it enough so that I'm not noticeably on the spectrum to others initially, but everything's internalised and it takes its toll.

People that get to know me will notice the autistic traits as time goes by. I think it's 1 of the main reasons that I've never had a long term relationship. After a short period of time, they'll distance themselves from me and it "runs its course".

I always wonder how differently life would've panned out if I wasn't on the spectrum. Would my depression and anxiety have kicked in when I was 14? Would I have wasted my life and potential? Would I have alcohol abuse issues? It's painful to think about.

I actually have the documents from when I was a kid, detailing my visits with the community autism team when I was in nursery. I didn't find out about this at all until I was in my 20s. It hit me like a bolt of lightning and everything made sense. I gave up trying after that. I previously believed I would get better and things would turn around for me one day.

 

[Lavander 230]

As a child I used to wonder what was wrong with me. Why I can't be normal, why I'm marginalized/hated by my peers. Why can't I improve my social skills no matter how hard I try? Why are these dark thoughts in my head? Maybe I should just kill myself.

And this was before I failed an extreme suicide attempt and was locked in a state hospital for a year. Before anyone had tried to kill me. Before my feet were disabled to where I can't drive, and before my serotonin receptors were ruined by those disgusting pills they forced onto me.

I see why it's called suicidal ideation. It used to be an emotionally charged thing for me, now it's something colder, it's just a rational choice. My life is shit, I'm autistic, will die alone, probably poor, and most definitely unhappy. And that isn't fair. However there is a cure, and for me it's a handful of pills or a bullet to the head, and after that, I'm not going into the light to be put back here, it's my choice now. And the torture I was subjected to by people for failing those first few times, is much worse than any damage done to my body.

I was autistic too, well I guess technically I still am, but guess what, I grew out of it. You need to try really hard to discover yourself, try to socialize with others by any means necessary, stop caring about what others think of you and basically build a strong sense of security over yourself. If you're brave enough to face suicide, then comparatively socializing with others should be a joke to you. I know that it's not a very healthy advice, but drink some alcohol sometimes, it'll boost your confidence 10 times. I'm not sure, maybe your autism was way worse than mine or maybe you don't know how to cope with it, but it's definitely "curable" in a sense that it's just all in your head, you just need to learn to suppress it.

 

[Archness]

@Lavander 230 I think that only applies to a small % of autists here, or "minor cases".

My brain just lacks the hardware to be social other then "being nice & friendly", let alone connect and communicate properly. Software is limited by hardware, it doesn't get better then this.

IRL, the words and syntax comes out of my mouth are proper for the most part, on paper I should be understandable, but in reality others cannot rly understand. It takes so long to process everything in my head and refine it into words, that can be consumed and digested by other brains. Not to mention most normies have no real reference point to relate to me, the realist connections seem to be limited here /w other failures, who're about to ctb.

I pretty much learned my limits the hard way. Failed two relationships largely due to autism. People where nice to me, though that's mostly because I was so outwardly nice and friendly you'd need to be a psychopathic villain to prey on me. Still, I was known as the retarded class clown who somehow managed to graduate on time, was largely other people's entertainment. Guess what happened when I stopped being all mask and more genuine, when I stopped fooling around with others just to be distracted? I fucking vanished, becoming invisible. Also, nothing happened, that whole time things didn't improve at all.

I just became very blackpilled about my place in the world. Where is that? Nowhere, someone else should've been born in my place.

 

[Mortalist]

I have autism too.
I was made aware of this at age 18. I got diagnosed, did my research, and I felt like everything made scense and that I could finally turn things around. Understanding me, learing how to improve my issues.
Problem was, my therapist at the time, allthough beeing a truly caring and kind person, had no education about autism, so anything we did together in regards to that was useless. Nothing changed, realized that, that sucks hard.
5 years later. I made some improvements, but it still takes it's toll. Chatting, and sometimes Voicechat, helps, but otherwise, comuicating and conversating with strangers and even family is just increadably complicated for me. I guess that playes a big part on why I had many temporary friendships that ultimatly vanished over time.
There is one Pro for me, at least. Understanding and expressing intentions and emotions is one of the more common disadvantages for people with autism, as far as I know. But because of what I hade to endure in my life, especaly during school, I learned how to read people. Forcefully, but still. To learn to survive, I learned to understand people, and thatway managed my way through it all. When I compare to my childhood, emotions, intentions didn't make sence to me. I couldn't recognize jokes, sarcasm and stuff like that. Today, thankfully, none of that is a problem anymore.

This is just my personal experience. There is so much more I could tell, but I don't want to make it to long.

 

[Fml]

Fellow Aspie here, if anyone needs to talk about anything I'm here

 

[thatlatealready]

I have a young daughter with severe autism.... she cannot talk and cannot understand people... and she will harm herself when she is frustrated.

My wife is a selfish bxtch.... who has pushed my daughter into therapy classes but that has increased her anger and self harm. I was gone for 3 years because of covid restrictions made it difficult to travel home....i immediately put an end to her therapy classes after i went to one session..it was a shxt show... the therapist and her assistants clearly didn't understand austim at all. My wife was angry, i permanently ended that therapy.

My wife had good intentions but she is a big big idioit.

My daughter is at home.... no visitors... no family member visits,.... she is allowed to do whatever she wants at home.... total peace and quiet. She is very happy. She enjoys taking motorcycle rides....but i hates to go to any shop or store....so, we never stop anywhere.

But reading your stories has confirmed to me, i was right....my daughter suffered extreme anxiety from her autism.... even though she couldn't explain that to me... i just knew it.

You sound like a good dad.

 

[cutejellybean]

Yes, I didn't get diagnosed until I was 14. When I was in elementary school, I had to meet with the librarian every day, who would yell at me and hit me for being too quiet and not making eye contact, which she told me was rude. I guess she thought I was purposely doing this just to spite her?? I also cried every day in elementary school because of how much social anxiety I have, and it got so bad that my teacher had to call CPS.

 

[PlanB]

I was autistic too, well I guess technically I still am, but guess what, I grew out of it. You need to try really hard to discover yourself, try to socialize with others by any means necessary, stop caring about what others think of you and basically build a strong sense of security over yourself. If you're brave enough to face suicide, then comparatively socializing with others should be a joke to you. I know that it's not a very healthy advice, but drink some alcohol sometimes, it'll boost your confidence 10 times. I'm not sure, maybe your autism was way worse than mine or maybe you don't know how to cope with it, but it's definitely "curable" in a sense that it's just all in your head, you just need to learn to suppress it.

I appreciate this is your experience, and it is valid that this is how you feel about yourself of course, but to say that the rest of us can just "stop being autistic because it is all in our heads" is extremely dismissive and condescending. I have sensitivities to sound that can trigger a fight or flight response. That is not all in my head. I was "trained" to be able to socialize- that did not make it any easier for me at all. It just exhausted me and burned me out. No matter how good my mask- people always eventually find out something is off about me. Some of us can learn to hide it- but often at great cost to ourselves and our mental well being. The magnitude of that struggle cannot be packaged neatly away by calling that mask "choosing not to be autistic anymore". Many of us end up with PTSD from masking.

 

[ThisIsGoodbye]

I was autistic too, well I guess technically I still am, but guess what, I grew out of it. You need to try really hard to discover yourself, try to socialize with others by any means necessary, stop caring about what others think of you and basically build a strong sense of security over yourself. If you're brave enough to face suicide, then comparatively socializing with others should be a joke to you. I know that it's not a very healthy advice, but drink some alcohol sometimes, it'll boost your confidence 10 times. I'm not sure, maybe your autism was way worse than mine or maybe you don't know how to cope with it, but it's definitely "curable" in a sense that it's just all in your head, you just need to learn to suppress it.

I'm sorry, but this is extremely bad advice. I understand that maybe it works for you, and for that I am glad. But for a majority of us, it doesn't and won't work. I tried for the longest time to not stand out. To just try and be normal, and it doesn't work. You might think you seem like everyone else but the truth is that we can't be like everyone else. We are different. Our brains are wired differently. There will always be things that set us off, and even if we manage to bite our tongues and not say anything at the time, our mind will react and cause stress and anxiety. It's not as simple as just talking to people. From experience, I lock up trying to talk to new people. I can nod my head, maybe say 'yep' and 'uh huh' if it's a good day, but I'm not going to be able to hold a conversation. And I know for a lot of us, it's that way as well. And that's the sad part. The two parts of us are constantly at war with each other. The part that wants human connection, to be loved and understood, is constantly clashing with the part of us that can't connect with people easily, that becomes really socially anxious and inept around people. Not to mention the stigma people have. If you try, and give it your all, most people will still view you as someone with autism. I worked my ass off at my last job, only to be let go while every other casual was kept on because they put me on the showfloor on the busiest day of the year, and I got overwhelmed. So no, we can't just 'get over it', and I honestly find just the casualness and general dismissal hurtful.

 

[Lavander 230]

I appreciate this is your experience, and it is valid that this is how you feel about yourself of course, but to say that the rest of us can just "stop being autistic because it is all in our heads" is extremely dismissive and condescending. I have sensitivities to sound that can trigger a fight or flight response. That is not all in my head. I was "trained" to be able to socialize- that did not make it any easier for me at all. It just exhausted me and burned me out. No matter how good my mask- people always eventually find out something is off about me. Some of us can learn to hide it- but often at great cost to ourselves and our mental well being. The magnitude of that struggle cannot be packaged neatly away by calling that mask "choosing not to be autistic anymore". Many of us end up with PTSD from masking.

I know there isn't an easy solution to this and I'm sorry some of you may be feeling this way, but either you have to do something to change your habits or you'll be trapped in a cycle of feeling suicidal for the rest of your life. People come to this forum seeking comfort, but unfortunately I don't think that's going to help anyone except for feeling better temporarily.

Anyways sorry if I said something hurtful, but I'm the one who put up a big fight with myself until I adapted myself to learn how to socialize. I'm not acting myself when I'm talking to someone, but at least I feel better knowing that people accept me now and don't see me as a weirdo.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I know there isn't an easy solution to this and I'm sorry some of you may be feeling this way, but either you have to do something to change your habits or you'll be trapped in a cycle of feeling suicidal for the rest of your life.

Lol, I think you forgot one of the options. You know, actually completing suicide. What you said is understandable however then how stubbornly suicide seems to remain in the theoretical realm for most of us. I agree that if suicide is functionally impossible (whether because of fear, logistics, or obligations) that it makes sense to try to improve yourself and your life as much as possible.

 

[groucho]

I think aspergers is one of the things that has helped humans become so advanced, only those on the spectrum could have the dedication and obession needed to make the sort of discoveries humans have made over the centuries, but it comes at a cost.