Autism and reasons to die.

[dhaak]

For a while now I've been lurking on this website. I've read and learned a lot. But I'd like to share why I'm here and want to die.

I have autism. Asperger's to be exact. Even though diagnoses in autism are, since a couple years, just autism. No "subgenres" if you will. At least in my country.

I like to consider myself a high functioning autistic adult. It means I'm able to hide it to a certain extent, and 9/10 times when I tell people I have autism they are surprised. They even make the insulting and confirming statement: "you can't see it at all!". As if autists are normally deformed freaks, that rock back and forth all day chewing on pens.

I spent my entire childhood going to "normal" schools and was always an outcast. The result was endless harassment and bullying, loneliness and a death wish from a young age. I remember regretting being born, since a very young age. I guess that's the same as suicidal thoughts, even though I didn't understand it back then.

However, for me, there are 3 main reasons I want to die. I've talked about these with psychologists a lot, but they never were able to change my mind on these topics. I think that's because they aren't thoughts, or a depressed person's negative views, but the reality.

1: Career. I have been diagnosed with autism. The government knows this, and I get a disability check. According to the government I can only work 0-20% of a "normal" person. It's a ridiculously depressing thought, and it was based on a 30 minute conversation when I was 17 years old. Whenever I apply for a new job I'm going to have to explain this, because there is no hiding it from employers. The government pays most of my salary, leading to workplaces exploiting people like me. I'm by far the cheapest employee they ever had, and will have. But it also means people don't give me any chances.

Most people with this disability check are exploited into doing the dumbest, soul killing work in the company, and when they speak up they aren't taken seriously. For example, I worked in supermarkets for a decade, and killed it. Worked harder, smarter and more efficient than 99% of employees. This was proven to me many times with the annual mandatory checks from the company's higher ups. I've seen results from those, before I worked in these places. From failing those checks and getting fined for years, to not failing them and being the best in the region, in the departments I was responsible for.

But I have autism, which means people fill in how it works for me. They Google what autism is and if you Google autism you get a 100 symptoms. They assume I'm some kind of moron who can't do anything and this results in them never giving me any chances. My bosses outright said that to me, on different occasions, when I asked them for opportunities and promotions. It resulted in me just getting so depressed and developing anxiety attacks, to the point I wasn't able to work at all anymore.

After being sick for 2 years, I am now in a program to return to work. At least my country has this social structure to protect people like me.

This program has about 50 other autists doing the same on its location. I see all walks of autism, and it hurts me seeing that. Without disrespect, they're rocking back and forth in their chairs, have lazy eyes, don't understand communication and social cues AT ALL and are the "obvious" autists. It hurts me so much being here, because I see how other people see me.

2: Relationships: both romantic and friendship. On the romantic side it's pretty simple. Why would any female ever date an autist? It's basic biology. Females choose the best partner, and an autist will never be that. The communicative part of flirting and romantic interest is very hard for me. Females speak in riddles and it's hard to decipher what they really mean.

I swear I've heard that I'm good looking hundreds of times over the years, yet have never been successful in my love life. Even last week somebody said to me that he thought i probably was very successful with females. It hurt me so much.

Reproduction is a big no no for me anyway, because autism is very likely to be passed down, especially in male children. I don't want to do that to a kid.

As far as friendships go, i can never connect with people and to be honest, the same thing counts as romantic relationships.

3: Respect: Another pretty "simple" one really. I'm not a "full" human. Hell, most people even think I don't experience emotions at all, like I'm some sort of psychopath. They think autists like to be alone, which is true to some extent, and like to count match sticks like the rainman. Don't even get me started on movies like that, or Forrest Gump. I've spoken to a lot of autists over the years, and most of us hate movies like that with a passion, because it paints a very bad and stereotypical picture of us.

Even in my small family circle, which consists of parents and a sister, I notice the way they talk to me and respond to me. My opinions and worldviews are irrelevant, since what do I know? They have good lives, careers, love, hell my sister is even pregnant now. Seeing her pregnant should make me happy, but it just hurts. Why can't I have happiness like that in my life?

-----------

It's not for no reason the autistic life expectancy is only 36 years old. I can't stand it anymore. The older I get, the more I see how sad my life really is. I've accomplished nothing, never had a girlfriend or a career. I'm just slugging along. Existing. I don't see options to change this, because of above reasons. It feels like I'm deadlocked in place, whatever I do this autism is holding me back.

We all die anyway at some point, and my hope and genuine belief is that death is the cessation of consciousness, thus nothingness. Exactly like how I was in those 14 billion years before I was born. Insert that quote about not being inconvenienced by it at all. We can't be sure of course. But if this is the life i'll have, I'd rather just not be at all. The hard part is going through with it though. I have a method, hanging. It seems easy enough, but that final step is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in life. SI really is a bitch. I often think if I was American with easier access to guns, I'd have been dead decades ago. There are other ways, like train suicides or jumping (I live on the 4th floor), which are more accessible, but I don't want to traumatise random civilians.

English isn't my first language so I apologise for any mistakes, and a bit of a rant. I'd like to know if there are other people with autism on this forum, and how they experience these points. Thank you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also certainly hope and believe in eternal nothingness once we die, in fact the thought of this existence eternally disappearing and being forgotten about comforts me so much. But anyway I wish you the best, it's certainly very much understandable just wishing to be free from all the suffering. I also have autism and I certainly see myself as not meant to exist here, not that in my case I could ever see existence as desirable anyway. It really shouldn't be so difficult to cease existing on our own terms, it's horrible to me how we cannot just have the option to end our existence in a peaceful, guaranteed way even know existence causes so much suffering.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I also have Asperger's syndrome, in addition to that I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in later adulthood. Since childhood it has felt that I will be left out in life because of these characteristics. That I wouldn't be "fit" if I didn't meet certain criteria in life. I have tried to give up the pursuit of to become a "normal" or better person, because there is something that suits me too.

 

[baabbaabbaab]

Fellow autistic here. I'm sorry for what you have experienced so far, I truly am. I think a part of what you're suffering from comes from how society has labelled you, how it perceives you : it's external, it's not really in your hands and it's false. They expect you to comply to its standards, they fantasize how you should behave. And in a way, they make us believe that we have to follow them, that the picture they give of yourself is true.

But I believe it's not. I won't say much, I don't know you and you didn't ask for advises. Everything you say is true : but again, it's their words. If you could go past the hurtful words, mirrors and expectations, there may be something valuable for yourself, and for yourself only. And something by yourself.

I'm probably older than you, and autism (though I've been diagnosed very late) has never lead me to SI. So maybe I can't totally relate to your own journey but I hope you will find what you're looking for here. There is a bunch of us here on SS, and it's a bit concerning. I'm 37 and I know it's pretty much the exact life expectancy of aspergers : I'll just be confirming statistics. And I developed a medical induced injury which supposedly increases suicide by 90. Yay !

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm autistic too and my neurotype was never made for living. It makes sense if I'm dead

 

[HouseofMortok]

Diagnosed at 34. UK Government won't assist, with my experience, they're using insinuating language as if I'm lying and trying it on, so I've given up, got to tribunal stage with PIP and too scared to go meetings with CAB to do paperwork cause of other fears about certain things if I leave the home. So back under the rock I go until death comes.

 

[dhaak]

Fellow autistic here. I'm sorry for what you have experienced so far, I truly am. I think a part of what you're suffering from comes from how society has labelled you, how it perceives you : it's external, it's not really in your hands and it's false. They expect you to comply to its standards, they fantasize how you should behave. And in a way, they make us believe that we have to follow them, that the picture they give of yourself is true.

But I believe it's not. I won't say much, I don't know you and you didn't ask for advises. Everything you say is true : but again, it's their words. If you could go past the hurtful words, mirrors and expectations, there may be something valuable for yourself, and for yourself only. And something by yourself.

I'm probably older than you, and autism (though I've been diagnosed very late) has never lead me to SI. So maybe I can't totally relate to your own journey but I hope you will find what you're looking for here. There is a bunch of us here on SS, and it's a bit concerning. I'm 37 and I know it's pretty much the exact life expectancy of aspergers : I'll just be confirming statistics. And I developed a medical induced injury which supposedly increases suicide by 90. Yay !

Thank you for your insights. I'm 31. I agree with you're saying, it's their words, and they have this picture of autism that I am almost obligated to abide by. I wish I was on their side though, it's hard for me to deal with being "different" and not reaching the things they reach. It hurts so much. The older I get the worse it gets, I feel like.

Diagnosed at 34. UK Government won't assist, with my experience, they're using insinuating language as if I'm lying and trying it on, so I've given up, got to tribunal stage with PIP and too scared to go meetings with CAB to do paperwork cause of other fears about certain things if I leave the home. So back under the rock I go until death comes.

I am sorry, could you explain what PIP and CAB is?

 

[Tired_of_myself]

For a while now I've been lurking on this website. I've read and learned a lot. But I'd like to share why I'm here and want to die.

I have autism. Asperger's to be exact. Even though diagnoses in autism are, since a couple years, just autism. No "subgenres" if you will. At least in my country.

I like to consider myself a high functioning autistic adult. It means I'm able to hide it to a certain extent, and 9/10 times when I tell people I have autism they are surprised. They even make the insulting and confirming statement: "you can't see it at all!". As if autists are normally deformed freaks, that rock back and forth all day chewing on pens.

I spent my entire childhood going to "normal" schools and was always an outcast. The result was endless harassment and bullying, loneliness and a death wish from a young age. I remember regretting being born, since a very young age. I guess that's the same as suicidal thoughts, even though I didn't understand it back then.

However, for me, there are 3 main reasons I want to die. I've talked about these with psychologists a lot, but they never were able to change my mind on these topics. I think that's because they aren't thoughts, or a depressed person's negative views, but the reality.

1: Career. I have been diagnosed with autism. The government knows this, and I get a disability check. According to the government I can only work 0-20% of a "normal" person. It's a ridiculously depressing thought, and it was based on a 30 minute conversation when I was 17 years old. Whenever I apply for a new job I'm going to have to explain this, because there is no hiding it from employers. The government pays most of my salary, leading to workplaces exploiting people like me. I'm by far the cheapest employee they ever had, and will have. But it also means people don't give me any chances.

Most people with this disability check are exploited into doing the dumbest, soul killing work in the company, and when they speak up they aren't taken seriously. For example, I worked in supermarkets for a decade, and killed it. Worked harder, smarter and more efficient than 99% of employees. This was proven to me many times with the annual mandatory checks from the company's higher ups. I've seen results from those, before I worked in these places. From failing those checks and getting fined for years, to not failing them and being the best in the region, in the departments I was responsible for.

But I have autism, which means people fill in how it works for me. They Google what autism is and if you Google autism you get a 100 symptoms. They assume I'm some kind of moron who can't do anything and this results in them never giving me any chances. My bosses outright said that to me, on different occasions, when I asked them for opportunities and promotions. It resulted in me just getting so depressed and developing anxiety attacks, to the point I wasn't able to work at all anymore.

After being sick for 2 years, I am now in a program to return to work. At least my country has this social structure to protect people like me.

This program has about 50 other autists doing the same on its location. I see all walks of autism, and it hurts me seeing that. Without disrespect, they're rocking back and forth in their chairs, have lazy eyes, don't understand communication and social cues AT ALL and are the "obvious" autists. It hurts me so much being here, because I see how other people see me.

2: Relationships: both romantic and friendship. On the romantic side it's pretty simple. Why would any female ever date an autist? It's basic biology. Females choose the best partner, and an autist will never be that. The communicative part of flirting and romantic interest is very hard for me. Females speak in riddles and it's hard to decipher what they really mean.

I swear I've heard that I'm good looking hundreds of times over the years, yet have never been successful in my love life. Even last week somebody said to me that he thought i probably was very successful with females. It hurt me so much.

Reproduction is a big no no for me anyway, because autism is very likely to be passed down, especially in male children. I don't want to do that to a kid.

As far as friendships go, i can never connect with people and to be honest, the same thing counts as romantic relationships.

3: Respect: Another pretty "simple" one really. I'm not a "full" human. Hell, most people even think I don't experience emotions at all, like I'm some sort of psychopath. They think autists like to be alone, which is true to some extent, and like to count match sticks like the rainman. Don't even get me started on movies like that, or Forrest Gump. I've spoken to a lot of autists over the years, and most of us hate movies like that with a passion, because it paints a very bad and stereotypical picture of us.

Even in my small family circle, which consists of parents and a sister, I notice the way they talk to me and respond to me. My opinions and worldviews are irrelevant, since what do I know? They have good lives, careers, love, hell my sister is even pregnant now. Seeing her pregnant should make me happy, but it just hurts. Why can't I have happiness like that in my life?

-----------

It's not for no reason the autistic life expectancy is only 36 years old. I can't stand it anymore. The older I get, the more I see how sad my life really is. I've accomplished nothing, never had a girlfriend or a career. I'm just slugging along. Existing. I don't see options to change this, because of above reasons. It feels like I'm deadlocked in place, whatever I do this autism is holding me back.

We all die anyway at some point, and my hope and genuine belief is that death is the cessation of consciousness, thus nothingness. Exactly like how I was in those 14 billion years before I was born. Insert that quote about not being inconvenienced by it at all. We can't be sure of course. But if this is the life i'll have, I'd rather just not be at all. The hard part is going through with it though. I have a method, hanging. It seems easy enough, but that final step is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in life. SI really is a bitch. I often think if I was American with easier access to guns, I'd have been dead decades ago. There are other ways, like train suicides or jumping (I live on the 4th floor), which are more accessible, but I don't want to traumatise random civilians.

English isn't my first language so I apologise for any mistakes, and a bit of a rant. I'd like to know if there are other people with autism on this forum, and how they experience these points. Thank you.

Thanks for sharing... I relate *a lot* to this. I am Autistic with a High Abilities/Giftedness (HA/G) diagnosis...

There is many steps for the realization nothing will ever change... For me, I spend all my childhood being bullied at school... My parents never understood me, so the parenting was very traumatizing... There is no safe place. When I received the diagnosis, felt brutal... All made sense, but at the same time, I felt trapped in my own body/mind.

As I grow old, I had two experiences working.In my country, the system is really bad... So I tried to maskered and fit in, by didn't telling about my autism. I've got bullied/ at several working places, because I'm more vulnerable in social situations... It doesn't take long for bosses and coworkers to realize I'm vulnerable, and I am easily exploited to do more work without receiving anything, in addition to being easily hated for not knowing how to develop good conversations or suck people's ass.

As far as relationships, it happens a lot like in work spaces... Typical people can be very confusing... I was told many times that my looks don't match my awkwardness... They show interest and then quit after realize whom I really am...

 

[adrestia]

i was just thinking about this recently. as someone with AuDHD (autism + ADHD) and suspected PMDD, my biggest fear is that i'll, as a college student, never be normal. i've accepted the fact that i am autistic, i'm fine with that, it's whatever---i was always different as a kid and never fit in and got over that moping period pretty quick---but as an adult who is in university and will eventually enter the real world, i'm horrified that i'll never get a job, never get a place of my own, et cetera. you see these horror stories all the time of autistic people who need extra support and get screwed over by healthcare systems or are stuck in their homes forever rotting away. that's the last thing i want for myself, but my parents (who are, quite frankly, in denial of my mental disabilities) certainly don't help and feed into those delusions.

i think that's part of why i want to ctb: even if i fight, i'm never going to be able to fend for myself. because my family has been in denial and denied me any services for so long, it feels like there's no point in fighting when the world tries to keep kicking you down.

being autistic is a fucking struggle, there's no doubt about it. as others, including yourself have said, the world isn't made for us. they kick us down even further when we try and get any help, they steal from us, they break us down and infantilize us all under the sake of "advocacy." that's probably part of why i'm still here, because i want to prove to the world that i can do all the things people label me as unable to do due to deficiencies. incredibly naïve, i know, but i've always been incredibly stubborn. even in spite of this, i'll probably be just a statistic, another autistic individual dead by 36.

regardless, i sympathize. i hope in death we can find peace and silence, and i hope some day, maybe neurotypical people can finally look beyond their self righteousness and consider why these statistics are so horrifying. i've found that the best solace i have while i'm still here is to focus on things i enjoy and care about.

I'm 31. I agree with you're saying, it's their words, and they have this picture of autism that I am almost obligated to abide by. I wish I was on their side though, it's hard for me to deal with being "different" and not reaching the things they reach.

100%. you either have to be forrest gump or sheldon cooper. neurotypicals are so keen on emphasizing how "everyone's special and different in their own way," but then go and assume every autistic person can't emote at all whatsoever.

 

[HouseofMortok]

Thank you for your insights. I'm 31. I agree with you're saying, it's their words, and they have this picture of autism that I am almost obligated to abide by. I wish I was on their side though, it's hard for me to deal with being "different" and not reaching the things they reach. It hurts so much. The older I get the worse it gets, I feel like.

I am sorry, could you explain what PIP and CAB is?

Personal Independence Payment - The irony, you're allowed this benefit and work, but when it comes to applying they make out you're not disabled enough, so you don't need it.

CAB is Citizens Advice Bureau, they advise and help fill paperwork and stuff for alsorts, in this case a tribunal (final stage of 3 peers I think assessing you for PIP). Did I mentioned when you're evaluated in person for PIP it's not actually someone that's qualified to assess your health. When they took me off DLA, the assessor did a muscoskeletal examination, I wish I was secrety recording, he said bend your leg as he touched my knee for literally ONE! SECOND and did the same for my arm/elbow. What the fuck test is that?? The way I am I hid under a rock cause you can't fight gaslighting do gooder morale crusader cunt shill sheep robots.

Shit thing that doesn't make sense, but hey ho, Conservative Party does what it wants, I used to be on DLA (Disability Living Allowance) for about 7 years, it said "given indefinitely" and allowed work, it also boosted part time wages with another top up called Working Tax Credit, it means if you get DLA, you only have to work 16 hrs and get a top up, otherwise non disabled have to work 30 hours to get a top up (this applies usually to full time minimum wage bracket). So it greatly helped with life balance and my mentality (which now at 34 with Autism explains why life has been shit since taking me off DLA, not allowing PIP and trying to work full time to support a home as a single male with my mind, just doesn't work, it's debilitating). Then the Conservatives got in power, renamed DLA system to PIP as an excuss to re evaluate and take people off Disability, alot of suicides happened when that change came. I've known people in wheelchairs with no arms and legs to not be granted it, until they challenged it, usually to Tribunal stage where ypu get actual health professionals that challenge the decision of these pre tribunal stage wankers, which is some occupational health cunt with a bias judging if you're taking the piss, how fucked up is that. Is like they're giving you a 3 challenges/strikes and you're out to see if you fight enough to get it, knowing full well with this system people give up and in cases, kill themselves, cause it's wrong to give those in need and right to not tax companies operating within the countries that steal from the support and funding we need. I've had a fucking enough of this shit fickle spineless society in the UK.

If I'm so lazy and a burden, let me have Euthanasia. Should of seen the commotion and the faces drop then get interrogated, backed into a corner of a hospital room having to explain why I'd like a DNR if something went wrong whilst under for my surgery. They couldn't understand it, but government site says you can ask for it and I don't need to explain why, but I was surrounded, despite knowing full well the Autism and making adjustments for my visit, back me up in a corner questioning why and I can't say why because I'd of not got the surgery and they'll have wanted to admit me to mental ward. So I squirmed in my chair and just vaguely passed it off as personal belief, listened to their prolife nonsense and went "ok" again, beaten into submission, cause there's no coming out on top in that scenario, got my surgery and left with a bitter taste for those staff amd the NHS in general, the only good thinf, it's free, doesn't mean treatments good or the people within the organisation are either, nevermond clapping NHS, they all should catch the clap. Fuckers. Also if religious people can have stuff unquestioned by simply stating "religious reasons/beliefs" I should be able to say Personal Beliefs and that be the fucking end of it. "but you're so young it doesn't make any sense" one said. It won't, cause ya'll shills, anything I open up about just gives them more power over my automy. Fuck them and fuck their kids and grandkids.1000 life time curses on em if such a thing could exist. They'll all perpetrate the same behaviours and attitudes in the end.

/rant.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I a!so have autism and it's at the root of why I want to CTB. Such a devastating condition.

I have so much trauma from having spent life living with it (despite an earlyish diagnosis) with little to no understanding from professionals and peers alike, from being essentially the only one in any environment I have been with who had it and who had to attempt to manage it alone

 

[noname223]

For a while now I've been lurking on this website. I've read and learned a lot. But I'd like to share why I'm here and want to die.

I have autism. Asperger's to be exact. Even though diagnoses in autism are, since a couple years, just autism. No "subgenres" if you will. At least in my country.

I like to consider myself a high functioning autistic adult. It means I'm able to hide it to a certain extent, and 9/10 times when I tell people I have autism they are surprised. They even make the insulting and confirming statement: "you can't see it at all!". As if autists are normally deformed freaks, that rock back and forth all day chewing on pens.

I spent my entire childhood going to "normal" schools and was always an outcast. The result was endless harassment and bullying, loneliness and a death wish from a young age. I remember regretting being born, since a very young age. I guess that's the same as suicidal thoughts, even though I didn't understand it back then.

However, for me, there are 3 main reasons I want to die. I've talked about these with psychologists a lot, but they never were able to change my mind on these topics. I think that's because they aren't thoughts, or a depressed person's negative views, but the reality.

1: Career. I have been diagnosed with autism. The government knows this, and I get a disability check. According to the government I can only work 0-20% of a "normal" person. It's a ridiculously depressing thought, and it was based on a 30 minute conversation when I was 17 years old. Whenever I apply for a new job I'm going to have to explain this, because there is no hiding it from employers. The government pays most of my salary, leading to workplaces exploiting people like me. I'm by far the cheapest employee they ever had, and will have. But it also means people don't give me any chances.

Most people with this disability check are exploited into doing the dumbest, soul killing work in the company, and when they speak up they aren't taken seriously. For example, I worked in supermarkets for a decade, and killed it. Worked harder, smarter and more efficient than 99% of employees. This was proven to me many times with the annual mandatory checks from the company's higher ups. I've seen results from those, before I worked in these places. From failing those checks and getting fined for years, to not failing them and being the best in the region, in the departments I was responsible for.

But I have autism, which means people fill in how it works for me. They Google what autism is and if you Google autism you get a 100 symptoms. They assume I'm some kind of moron who can't do anything and this results in them never giving me any chances. My bosses outright said that to me, on different occasions, when I asked them for opportunities and promotions. It resulted in me just getting so depressed and developing anxiety attacks, to the point I wasn't able to work at all anymore.

After being sick for 2 years, I am now in a program to return to work. At least my country has this social structure to protect people like me.

This program has about 50 other autists doing the same on its location. I see all walks of autism, and it hurts me seeing that. Without disrespect, they're rocking back and forth in their chairs, have lazy eyes, don't understand communication and social cues AT ALL and are the "obvious" autists. It hurts me so much being here, because I see how other people see me.

2: Relationships: both romantic and friendship. On the romantic side it's pretty simple. Why would any female ever date an autist? It's basic biology. Females choose the best partner, and an autist will never be that. The communicative part of flirting and romantic interest is very hard for me. Females speak in riddles and it's hard to decipher what they really mean.

I swear I've heard that I'm good looking hundreds of times over the years, yet have never been successful in my love life. Even last week somebody said to me that he thought i probably was very successful with females. It hurt me so much.

Reproduction is a big no no for me anyway, because autism is very likely to be passed down, especially in male children. I don't want to do that to a kid.

As far as friendships go, i can never connect with people and to be honest, the same thing counts as romantic relationships.

3: Respect: Another pretty "simple" one really. I'm not a "full" human. Hell, most people even think I don't experience emotions at all, like I'm some sort of psychopath. They think autists like to be alone, which is true to some extent, and like to count match sticks like the rainman. Don't even get me started on movies like that, or Forrest Gump. I've spoken to a lot of autists over the years, and most of us hate movies like that with a passion, because it paints a very bad and stereotypical picture of us.

Even in my small family circle, which consists of parents and a sister, I notice the way they talk to me and respond to me. My opinions and worldviews are irrelevant, since what do I know? They have good lives, careers, love, hell my sister is even pregnant now. Seeing her pregnant should make me happy, but it just hurts. Why can't I have happiness like that in my life?

-----------

It's not for no reason the autistic life expectancy is only 36 years old. I can't stand it anymore. The older I get, the more I see how sad my life really is. I've accomplished nothing, never had a girlfriend or a career. I'm just slugging along. Existing. I don't see options to change this, because of above reasons. It feels like I'm deadlocked in place, whatever I do this autism is holding me back.

We all die anyway at some point, and my hope and genuine belief is that death is the cessation of consciousness, thus nothingness. Exactly like how I was in those 14 billion years before I was born. Insert that quote about not being inconvenienced by it at all. We can't be sure of course. But if this is the life i'll have, I'd rather just not be at all. The hard part is going through with it though. I have a method, hanging. It seems easy enough, but that final step is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in life. SI really is a bitch. I often think if I was American with easier access to guns, I'd have been dead decades ago. There are other ways, like train suicides or jumping (I live on the 4th floor), which are more accessible, but I don't want to traumatise random civilians.

English isn't my first language so I apologise for any mistakes, and a bit of a rant. I'd like to know if there are other people with autism on this forum, and how they experience these points. Thank you.

I can relate so much on the love aspect. I have psychosis with bipolar no autism though. I tend to become paranoid first when I meet a woman. It is only at the beginning usually that would went away pretty soon. Though everytime it happens women stop their interest in me immediately. Sometimes this love issue stresses me so much that I am close to a mental breakdown. (like recently) I have an extremely strong desire for a female partner. I am looking good. The outer appearance is not the problem. But when women meet me it is usually over very quickly. And this tortures me. It hurts so so fucking bad. And it happened myriads of times. Countless times. It is so hopeless.

It will be one of the reasons why I am going to kill myself eventually.

 

[silence ends]

I feel you.
U can always imrove, learn, even have some kind of success. But theres always missing something. Something you cant get from anywhere since its missing from our brain and messing with our life.
Im 35 yo and totally had enough.
I simply dont have the minium required qualities to live truly fullfilling life.
Im tired to fight, tired to just survive.
As you said its getting worse by aging becouse we can see more clearly how sad this is.

I got no feeligs of guilt nor shame to think and say i think i deserve peacefull end to this constant suffering.

Traits of autism is genetics and should be erased from gene pool for human evolution.
Bad english too, is not my native language.

 

[dhaak]

Thanks for sharing... I relate *a lot* to this. I am Autistic with a High Abilities/Giftedness (HA/G) diagnosis...

There is many steps for the realization nothing will ever change... For me, I spend all my childhood being bullied at school... My parents never understood me, so the parenting was very traumatizing... There is no safe place. When I received the diagnosis, felt brutal... All made sense, but at the same time, I felt trapped in my own body/mind.

As I grow old, I had two experiences working.In my country, the system is really bad... So I tried to maskered and fit in, by didn't telling about my autism. I've got bullied/ at several working places, because I'm more vulnerable in social situations... It doesn't take long for bosses and coworkers to realize I'm vulnerable, and I am easily exploited to do more work without receiving anything, in addition to being easily hated for not knowing how to develop good conversations or suck people's ass.

As far as relationships, it happens a lot like in work spaces... Typical people can be very confusing... I was told many times that my looks don't match my awkwardness... They show interest and then quit after realize whom I really am...

I have very similar experiences. I received my diagnosis relatively late in life and like you my parents didn't understand me and tried to raise me like a normal child. Forcing me to go to places I couldn't handle, and I started hating and fearing those as a result.

Hiding my autism in the workplace is sadly not an option for me, since it's inevitable for them to find out I have this disability attached to my name via the government. I've seen more people with this disability qualification at every workplace I was at, and they were all abused and exploited. Most were afraid to speak up because that goes against all expectations. When I did, it always became a fight with employers for some reason. Colleagues never understood me and filled in for me what I needed, and took action on those assumptions. It lead to a lot of fights with them.

It's scary how much we all relate to this similar stuff. Autism really is a curse.

i was just thinking about this recently. as someone with AuDHD (autism + ADHD) and suspected PMDD, my biggest fear is that i'll, as a college student, never be normal. i've accepted the fact that i am autistic, i'm fine with that, it's whatever---i was always different as a kid and never fit in and got over that moping period pretty quick---but as an adult who is in university and will eventually enter the real world, i'm horrified that i'll never get a job, never get a place of my own, et cetera. you see these horror stories all the time of autistic people who need extra support and get screwed over by healthcare systems or are stuck in their homes forever rotting away. that's the last thing i want for myself, but my parents (who are, quite frankly, in denial of my mental disabilities) certainly don't help and feed into those delusions.

i think that's part of why i want to ctb: even if i fight, i'm never going to be able to fend for myself. because my family has been in denial and denied me any services for so long, it feels like there's no point in fighting when the world tries to keep kicking you down.

being autistic is a fucking struggle, there's no doubt about it. as others, including yourself have said, the world isn't made for us. they kick us down even further when we try and get any help, they steal from us, they break us down and infantilize us all under the sake of "advocacy." that's probably part of why i'm still here, because i want to prove to the world that i can do all the things people label me as unable to do due to deficiencies. incredibly naïve, i know, but i've always been incredibly stubborn. even in spite of this, i'll probably be just a statistic, another autistic individual dead by 36.

regardless, i sympathize. i hope in death we can find peace and silence, and i hope some day, maybe neurotypical people can finally look beyond their self righteousness and consider why these statistics are so horrifying. i've found that the best solace i have while i'm still here is to focus on things i enjoy and care about.



100%. you either have to be forrest gump or sheldon cooper. neurotypicals are so keen on emphasizing how "everyone's special and different in their own way," but then go and assume every autistic person can't emote at all whatsoever.

I've tried for 15+ years to participate in society, but got nowhere. Granted, I went to a school for a subject that interested me, but that school had 10.000+ people there, and it was torture for me. I then settled for almost the lowest of the lowest education, at a "special" school and was forced into the supermarket jobs. I tried making the best of it, but wasn't able and allowed to. I think it's admirable you're going to uni, and I wish you the very best on your journey.

To add to your last point: The most hurtful thing people say to me about autism is that people like Einstein had autism too... Just because you play basketball doesn't make you Michael Jordan.

Personal Independence Payment - The irony, you're allowed this benefit and work, but when it comes to applying they make out you're not disabled enough, so you don't need it.

CAB is Citizens Advice Bureau, they advise and help fill paperwork and stuff for alsorts, in this case a tribunal (final stage of 3 peers I think assessing you for PIP). Did I mentioned when you're evaluated in person for PIP it's not actually someone that's qualified to assess your health. When they took me off DLA, the assessor did a muscoskeletal examination, I wish I was secrety recording, he said bend your leg as he touched my knee for literally ONE! SECOND and did the same for my arm/elbow. What the fuck test is that?? The way I am I hid under a rock cause you can't fight gaslighting do gooder morale crusader cunt shill sheep robots.

Shit thing that doesn't make sense, but hey ho, Conservative Party does what it wants, I used to be on DLA (Disability Living Allowance) for about 7 years, it said "given indefinitely" and allowed work, it also boosted part time wages with another top up called Working Tax Credit, it means if you get DLA, you only have to work 16 hrs and get a top up, otherwise non disabled have to work 30 hours to get a top up (this applies usually to full time minimum wage bracket). So it greatly helped with life balance and my mentality (which now at 34 with Autism explains why life has been shit since taking me off DLA, not allowing PIP and trying to work full time to support a home as a single male with my mind, just doesn't work, it's debilitating). Then the Conservatives got in power, renamed DLA system to PIP as an excuss to re evaluate and take people off Disability, alot of suicides happened when that change came. I've known people in wheelchairs with no arms and legs to not be granted it, until they challenged it, usually to Tribunal stage where ypu get actual health professionals that challenge the decision of these pre tribunal stage wankers, which is some occupational health cunt with a bias judging if you're taking the piss, how fucked up is that. Is like they're giving you a 3 challenges/strikes and you're out to see if you fight enough to get it, knowing full well with this system people give up and in cases, kill themselves, cause it's wrong to give those in need and right to not tax companies operating within the countries that steal from the support and funding we need. I've had a fucking enough of this shit fickle spineless society in the UK.

If I'm so lazy and a burden, let me have Euthanasia. Should of seen the commotion and the faces drop then get interrogated, backed into a corner of a hospital room having to explain why I'd like a DNR if something went wrong whilst under for my surgery. They couldn't understand it, but government site says you can ask for it and I don't need to explain why, but I was surrounded, despite knowing full well the Autism and making adjustments for my visit, back me up in a corner questioning why and I can't say why because I'd of not got the surgery and they'll have wanted to admit me to mental ward. So I squirmed in my chair and just vaguely passed it off as personal belief, listened to their prolife nonsense and went "ok" again, beaten into submission, cause there's no coming out on top in that scenario, got my surgery and left with a bitter taste for those staff amd the NHS in general, the only good thinf, it's free, doesn't mean treatments good or the people within the organisation are either, nevermond clapping NHS, they all should catch the clap. Fuckers. Also if religious people can have stuff unquestioned by simply stating "religious reasons/beliefs" I should be able to say Personal Beliefs and that be the fucking end of it. "but you're so young it doesn't make any sense" one said. It won't, cause ya'll shills, anything I open up about just gives them more power over my automy. Fuck them and fuck their kids and grandkids.1000 life time curses on em if such a thing could exist. They'll all perpetrate the same behaviours and attitudes in the end.

/rant.

This is eerily similar to my experiences with diagnosis and disability assignment from the government. People who don't know you and don't care making decisions about you.

 

[dhaak]

I simply dont have the minium required qualities to live truly fullfilling life.

This about sums it up for me too. Well spoken.

 

[CTB Dream]

V sry have autsm add injury damage add many thnigg etc

 

[thetruetato]

For a while now I've been lurking on this website. I've read and learned a lot. But I'd like to share why I'm here and want to die.

I have autism. Asperger's to be exact. Even though diagnoses in autism are, since a couple years, just autism. No "subgenres" if you will. At least in my country.

I like to consider myself a high functioning autistic adult. It means I'm able to hide it to a certain extent, and 9/10 times when I tell people I have autism they are surprised. They even make the insulting and confirming statement: "you can't see it at all!". As if autists are normally deformed freaks, that rock back and forth all day chewing on pens.

I spent my entire childhood going to "normal" schools and was always an outcast. The result was endless harassment and bullying, loneliness and a death wish from a young age. I remember regretting being born, since a very young age. I guess that's the same as suicidal thoughts, even though I didn't understand it back then.

However, for me, there are 3 main reasons I want to die. I've talked about these with psychologists a lot, but they never were able to change my mind on these topics. I think that's because they aren't thoughts, or a depressed person's negative views, but the reality.

1: Career. I have been diagnosed with autism. The government knows this, and I get a disability check. According to the government I can only work 0-20% of a "normal" person. It's a ridiculously depressing thought, and it was based on a 30 minute conversation when I was 17 years old. Whenever I apply for a new job I'm going to have to explain this, because there is no hiding it from employers. The government pays most of my salary, leading to workplaces exploiting people like me. I'm by far the cheapest employee they ever had, and will have. But it also means people don't give me any chances.

Most people with this disability check are exploited into doing the dumbest, soul killing work in the company, and when they speak up they aren't taken seriously. For example, I worked in supermarkets for a decade, and killed it. Worked harder, smarter and more efficient than 99% of employees. This was proven to me many times with the annual mandatory checks from the company's higher ups. I've seen results from those, before I worked in these places. From failing those checks and getting fined for years, to not failing them and being the best in the region, in the departments I was responsible for.

But I have autism, which means people fill in how it works for me. They Google what autism is and if you Google autism you get a 100 symptoms. They assume I'm some kind of moron who can't do anything and this results in them never giving me any chances. My bosses outright said that to me, on different occasions, when I asked them for opportunities and promotions. It resulted in me just getting so depressed and developing anxiety attacks, to the point I wasn't able to work at all anymore.

After being sick for 2 years, I am now in a program to return to work. At least my country has this social structure to protect people like me.

This program has about 50 other autists doing the same on its location. I see all walks of autism, and it hurts me seeing that. Without disrespect, they're rocking back and forth in their chairs, have lazy eyes, don't understand communication and social cues AT ALL and are the "obvious" autists. It hurts me so much being here, because I see how other people see me.

2: Relationships: both romantic and friendship. On the romantic side it's pretty simple. Why would any female ever date an autist? It's basic biology. Females choose the best partner, and an autist will never be that. The communicative part of flirting and romantic interest is very hard for me. Females speak in riddles and it's hard to decipher what they really mean.

I swear I've heard that I'm good looking hundreds of times over the years, yet have never been successful in my love life. Even last week somebody said to me that he thought i probably was very successful with females. It hurt me so much.

Reproduction is a big no no for me anyway, because autism is very likely to be passed down, especially in male children. I don't want to do that to a kid.

As far as friendships go, i can never connect with people and to be honest, the same thing counts as romantic relationships.

3: Respect: Another pretty "simple" one really. I'm not a "full" human. Hell, most people even think I don't experience emotions at all, like I'm some sort of psychopath. They think autists like to be alone, which is true to some extent, and like to count match sticks like the rainman. Don't even get me started on movies like that, or Forrest Gump. I've spoken to a lot of autists over the years, and most of us hate movies like that with a passion, because it paints a very bad and stereotypical picture of us.

Even in my small family circle, which consists of parents and a sister, I notice the way they talk to me and respond to me. My opinions and worldviews are irrelevant, since what do I know? They have good lives, careers, love, hell my sister is even pregnant now. Seeing her pregnant should make me happy, but it just hurts. Why can't I have happiness like that in my life?

-----------

It's not for no reason the autistic life expectancy is only 36 years old. I can't stand it anymore. The older I get, the more I see how sad my life really is. I've accomplished nothing, never had a girlfriend or a career. I'm just slugging along. Existing. I don't see options to change this, because of above reasons. It feels like I'm deadlocked in place, whatever I do this autism is holding me back.

We all die anyway at some point, and my hope and genuine belief is that death is the cessation of consciousness, thus nothingness. Exactly like how I was in those 14 billion years before I was born. Insert that quote about not being inconvenienced by it at all. We can't be sure of course. But if this is the life i'll have, I'd rather just not be at all. The hard part is going through with it though. I have a method, hanging. It seems easy enough, but that final step is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in life. SI really is a bitch. I often think if I was American with easier access to guns, I'd have been dead decades ago. There are other ways, like train suicides or jumping (I live on the 4th floor), which are more accessible, but I don't want to traumatise random civilians.

English isn't my first language so I apologise for any mistakes, and a bit of a rant. I'd like to know if there are other people with autism on this forum, and how they experience these points. Thank you.

Honestly I've struggled with autism and adhd throughout my life, and depression for quite a few years now. Because of my mental disability, having conversations is difficult and I don't really have anybody. This worsened my already existing depression as time went by, and it's starting to reach a breaking point. I also do agree that 10% of autistic people have tried to end their lives for a reason. In general there is a correlation with depression and other mental disabilities/illnesses for a variety of reasons.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

https://nypost.com/2023/02/14/scientists-switch-off-autism-using-3-epilepsy-drug-study/- if there is a THREE DOLLAR drug that would help us, why don't they give it to us? If everyone talks about the massive risk of autism and suicide, you would think they would do anything to help ensure we don't all die. none of the doctors that i have spoken to care. they want us to die.

they should allow us to end our lives, and give this medication more freely. i'm so disgusted with society that i'm supposed to fall apart because nobody cares.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

Allow. Disabled. People. To. End. Their. Lives. I'm speaking as one too - Autism and late stage Schizophrenia. All medications have done nothing but make me worse and I'm determined to make 2024 the year I go through with hanging, if I can't find a better way. I support your decision to CTB. I'm also on Disability check income btw. There are no basic social support systems for the disabled in my area of the US though. They just institutionalize us here - hence why when I CTB I have to do it once, do it right. BTW - I find your quote about thinking of the 14 billion years before you were here very soul-easing. Really, I've been thinking on that. I love it! I'm fine with any after-existence that DOESN'T involve taking my Schizo brains with me. Oblivion is absolutely fine by me. I hope you find the courage to go through with this without anyone standing in your way. You seem to have already broken free of the pro-life brainwashing as it applies to disabled folks like us.

 

[sserafim]

I have Asperger's and having to live with it is not fun. I've always felt a deep sense of not belonging to this world, as if I was an alien away from my home planet. I've never even felt like a human being, humans always seemed like a foreign species to me. Interacting and communicating with them weren't things that came naturally to me (body language and social cues), I had to learn those things over time, and sometimes I still can't get it right.

I've always felt a fundamental disconnect with people, I could never connect with anyone. It was like I was speaking a different language than them. Also, having to mask all the time is exhausting, no wonder why I became a NEET after college. Whenever I try to communicate, my mom calls me "too much".

Basically, I'm extremely socially awkward and socially anxious because I wasn't born with the innate rules of the social guidebook. I had to learn them from scratch. And whenever I don't get them right, people think that I'm "weird" (because I look normal on the outside). Ugh I hate talking to or interacting with people, it takes too much energy. People themselves also suck, I've never seen such a cruel or violent species. I'll never belong in this world either, so why am I not allowed peaceful and guaranteed methods to leave? It's not fair that we have to live in a neurotypical world that wasn't built or meant for us. We have to mask and change ourselves to fit the world.

I believe that Asperger's/autism should qualify for VAD/MAiD, and hopefully one day there's a cure for it or it gets bred out of the gene pool. No one should have to be subject to this debilitating disease, it makes me feel sub-human and like I'll never be an actual human (not that I want to be one but still). ASD impacts your ability to socialize and socializing is the heart of what being human is about, it's an inescapable fact and part of life. You'll have to socialize everywhere you go, school, work, etc. It's just not fair that the world revolves around socializing and I happen to be terrible at it.

I honestly think that I must have some past life karma to make me have Asperger's in this life, there's no other explanation why I was born like this and why my life has just been a whole bunch of suffering.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I'm sorry for all of the hell that you've experienced due to this condition, as well as what others in this thread have been through as well. Autism is a special kind of hell, not only the neurological impairments in themselves but the constant exploitation from jobs, education, and the government that is ever present and always accompanying our basal toil like a permanent black stain on one's record.

It makes me furious to read how these jobs have exploited you for paltry wages, how they are allowed to get away with it due to laws that inherently devalue the labor of disabled workers until our contributions are seen as diminutive and not worth reward. It is an injustice, and rightfully so, that society pretends to care about disabled people while making it nearly impossible for us to survive and disparaging us every step of the way.

A lot of people don't realise how variable autism can be, and how we all have different aspects of impairment that correspond to varying degrees of failed neurological remodeling that occured during crucial stages of neurodevelopment. So we are assumed to be either rainman or young Sheldon type savants, or completely nonfunctional and requiring around the clock nursing in a care facility. It means that simeltaneously our struggles and our strengths are not taken seriously.

A lot of what you have written here deeply resonates with me, OP. As an autistic woman, I am always the butt of the joke, the person who is never taken seriously nor respected. Due to my disability, I am expected to have some hidden, special talent to compensate for the fact that I am impaired, and when I don't people are inevitably disappointed and uncomfortable.

When I was a baby, I was supposed to be diagnosed on account of obvious developmental delays and dyspraxia, but one of my family members blocked it from proceeding further due to their hatred of the intellectually disabled and misconceptions of what autism was. Because of this, I have a very unnatural, high pitched sounding voice and a speech impediment which means I speak very oddly and often can't finish a sentence. I don't even look normal, I have what others call an "autism face" and have been told that I have a gait and facial structure that maybe only 1% of people would like. This has crushed my self esteem, especially because women's appearences are highly prized and I have always looked profoundly different from other people. A manager once told me I shouldn't be around customers because they should only have to see capable, good looking people.

I didn't get diagnosed until I was in high school which by then it was too late because I had endured a lifetime of harassment and bullying for my autistic behaviors. I was put down by teachers and called dumb and stupid constantly, told to give up and do a menial manual labor job because I clearly wouldn't amount to anything. Despite proving them wrong, autism has continued to disparage me throughout life for the reasons you and many others here have so eloquently laid out.

I also struggle with relationships and making friends, mostly because I have no common ground with the vast majority of people, and neurotypicals cannot understand that autistic people often need solitary time to recharge. This results in profound loneliness with no real way to alleviate it, if you know you're gonna be exhausted and non verbal. Almost all of my friends I've made throughout the years have been other autistic people, no neurotypicals want to be around me. Romantic relationships are a nightmare because people don't understand sensory overload or needing alone time to de-stress, or that you may not be extremely keen on constant physical contact.

Not understanding certain social cues and being able to perform has ultimately screwed me over in the workplace, because no matter how hard I try, I will never be respected or be considered for positions that others are. There are people at my workplace who make sex jokes and cosy up to the managers, even hugging them while I just get treated like an overly stiff alien who is not really ever included in anything. My whole life has been like this and I am sick of it.

I am someone who has forced myself to "get out there" for years and practicing socialising, too, and while I have less anxiety about it than I did as a child I am still like an alien species from another planet to other people, so I understand your plight very deeply. Even when I trained myself on how to make conversation, to ask questions and engage, I am fundamentally missing the spontaneousness and fluidity that others have when they socialise. I don't understand people who get up and dance around and sing and do random things, it's like they were programmed in an entirely different language than I am.

Anyone who says autism is a special gift needs to read this thread and see the pain and discrimination that autistic people face every day. Our lives are so challenging and few appreciate how bad it is to feel like an outsider your entire life, to effectively be excluded from society and never feel human

 

[ResilientAF]

I'm sorry for all of the hell that you've experienced due to this condition, as well as what others in this thread have been through as well. Autism is a special kind of hell, not only the neurological impairments in themselves but the constant exploitation from jobs, education, and the government that is ever present and always accompanying our basal toil like a permanent black stain on one's record.

It makes me furious to read how these jobs have exploited you for paltry wages, how they are allowed to get away with it due to laws that inherently devalue the labor of disabled workers until our contributions are seen as diminutive and not worth reward. It is an injustice, and rightfully so, that society pretends to care about disabled people while making it nearly impossible for us to survive and disparaging us every step of the way.

A lot of people don't realise how variable autism can be, and how we all have different aspects of impairment that correspond to varying degrees of failed neurological remodeling that occured during crucial stages of neurodevelopment. So we are assumed to be either rainman or young Sheldon type savants, or completely nonfunctional and requiring around the clock nursing in a care facility. It means that simeltaneously our struggles and our strengths are not taken seriously.

A lot of what you have written here deeply resonates with me, OP. As an autistic woman, I am always the butt of the joke, the person who is never taken seriously nor respected. Due to my disability, I am expected to have some hidden, special talent to compensate for the fact that I am impaired, and when I don't people are inevitably disappointed and uncomfortable.

When I was a baby, I was supposed to be diagnosed on account of obvious developmental delays and dyspraxia, but one of my family members blocked it from proceeding further due to their hatred of the intellectually disabled and misconceptions of what autism was. Because of this, I have a very unnatural, high pitched sounding voice and a speech impediment which means I speak very oddly and often can't finish a sentence. I don't even look normal, I have what others call an "autism face" and have been told that I have a gait and facial structure that maybe only 1% of people would like. This has crushed my self esteem, especially because women's appearences are highly prized and I have always looked profoundly different from other people. A manager once told me I shouldn't be around customers because they should only have to see capable, good looking people.

I didn't get diagnosed until I was in high school which by then it was too late because I had endured a lifetime of harassment and bullying for my autistic behaviors. I was put down by teachers and called dumb and stupid constantly, told to give up and do a menial manual labor job because I clearly wouldn't amount to anything. Despite proving them wrong, autism has continued to disparage me throughout life for the reasons you and many others here have so eloquently laid out.

I also struggle with relationships and making friends, mostly because I have no common ground with the vast majority of people, and neurotypicals cannot understand that autistic people often need solitary time to recharge. This results in profound loneliness with no real way to alleviate it, if you know you're gonna be exhausted and non verbal. Almost all of my friends I've made throughout the years have been other autistic people, no neurotypicals want to be around me. Romantic relationships are a nightmare because people don't understand sensory overload or needing alone time to de-stress, or that you may not be extremely keen on constant physical contact.

Not understanding certain social cues and being able to perform has ultimately screwed me over in the workplace, because no matter how hard I try, I will never be respected or be considered for positions that others are. There are people at my workplace who make sex jokes and cosy up to the managers, even hugging them while I just get treated like an overly stiff alien who is not really ever included in anything. My whole life has been like this and I am sick of it.

I am someone who has forced myself to "get out there" for years and practicing socialising, too, and while I have less anxiety about it than I did as a child I am still like an alien species from another planet to other people, so I understand your plight very deeply. Even when I trained myself on how to make conversation, to ask questions and engage, I am fundamentally missing the spontaneousness and fluidity that others have when they socialise. I don't understand people who get up and dance around and sing and do random things, it's like they were programmed in an entirely different language than I am.

Anyone who says autism is a special gift needs to read this thread and see the pain and discrimination that autistic people face every day. Our lives are so challenging and few appreciate how bad it is to feel like an outsider your entire life, to effectively be excluded from society and never feel human

Can totally relate to everything you've stated in your post. That manager who made those derogatory remarks to you deserves shit to rain down on him for eternity. What a pure and utter bastard!

 

[Ambivalent1]

I have Asperger's and having to live with it is not fun. I've always felt a deep sense of not belonging to this world, as if I was an alien away from my home planet. I've never even felt like a human being, humans always seemed like a foreign species to me. Interacting and communicating with them weren't things that came naturally to me (body language and social cues), I had to learn those things over time, and sometimes I still can't get it right.

I've always felt a fundamental disconnect with people, I could never connect with anyone. It was like I was speaking a different language than them. Also, having to mask all the time is exhausting, no wonder why I became a NEET after college. Whenever I try to communicate, my mom calls me "too much".

Basically, I'm extremely socially awkward and socially anxious because I wasn't born with the innate rules of the social guidebook. I had to learn them from scratch. And whenever I don't get them right, people think that I'm "weird" (because I look normal on the outside). Ugh I hate talking to or interacting with people, it takes too much energy. People themselves also suck, I've never seen such a cruel or violent species. I'll never belong in this world either, so why am I not allowed peaceful and guaranteed methods to leave? It's not fair that we have to live in a neurotypical world that wasn't built or meant for us. We have to mask and change ourselves to fit the world.

I believe that Asperger's/autism should qualify for VAD/MAiD, and hopefully one day there's a cure for it or it gets bred out of the gene pool. No one should have to be subject to this debilitating disease, it makes me feel sub-human and like I'll never be an actual human (not that I want to be one but still). ASD impacts your ability to socialize and socializing is the heart of what being human is about, it's an inescapable fact and part of life. You'll have to socialize everywhere you go, school, work, etc. It's just not fair that the world revolves around socializing and I happen to be terrible at it.

I honestly think that I must have some past life karma to make me have Asperger's in this life, there's no other explanation why I was born like this and why my life has just been a whole bunch of suffering.

I feel similarly. Early trauma screws up development and separates one from the group. You never quite fit in again when your puzzle piece is bent out of shape through abuse.

Two broken puzzle pieces who surprisingly connect when otherwise we probably wouldn't.