Venting Attempting Tonight

[squareminus1]

Hi,

Sorry in advance, this post turned out longer and potentially more stupid than it was meant to be...

Some of you may have read my post a few days ago, I had the oppertunity to attempt yestwrday but opted not to, I am going to tonight. I feel much more ready now. I have had one drink, gonna have one more before my girlfriend gets back, should mean I am sober enough for her not to notice, I'll take one or two for the rode to give me the liquid corage to attempt. We are gonna have chinese food, hopefully it'll be my last meal lol, what a sucky last meal but honestly i'll take it. What would your last meal be if you could choose? I am having crispy shredded beef in honey chillies sauce with rice and a side of mini veg spring rolls that, the spring rolls hit different, they are so good. Anyhow...

I am coming to peace with the thought of attempting, I deffinetly deserve this, but even if you don't take that into account just escaping the thoughts I have will be peacefull. I miss life before I couldn't see myself as anything other than disgusting scum.

My method is hanging, I'll detail my plan for anyone curious even though I said it vaguely in the last post. I am sneaking out the house into the woods after everyones asleep, I will be super quiet but even if people catch on i'm not sure how much it'll matter as I'm running prwtty deep into the woods.

I have a prepacked gym bag of all the shit I need. A rope, a pillow case to go over my head, I have some tape, a knife and a lighter (to fuse rope ends together) on off chance I need to cut the rope shoter (but I highly doubt I will it's only like 3.5 m). I have a torch to see in the woods, will also have my phone which I will probs ditch after a certain point into the woods just so noone can try phone me. I have half a bar of soap (apparently if you soap up the ligature it makes it run smoother so it'll be more quick and proper). I also packed a beer for the road lol. I really hope I get this right but if I don't at this point my worries about getting put in a psychward are honestly depletting. I have heared they are bad but... I deserve suffering and locking me away from people garentees thier saftey. If I succeed I die, I go to hell for my sins and all is judt in the world, if I fail people will see me for what I am, or at very least think I am batshit crazy and I will have to deal with the punishment accordingly. I don't understand myself sometimes but I just know I should never be forgiven for the space I take up. Lifes only going to get worse for me and when I am backed into corners I hurt people with my antics. I need to be controlled, death or otherwise, so failure is not what I want but not the worst thing that could happen. What would be bad is me not trying and continuing to tick down like a time bomb before I hurt someone else.

I am going a bit off the rails here lol but this is a vent post. Tonight there will be an attempt, whether successful or not I'll suffer and that's good, this is what needs to happen. At very least my girlfriend will leave me (she's said as much "if you pull a stunt like that again it's game over for us", which will protect her.

I find the feeling so strange, I thought I would feel sadder but somehow planning it was the sad part. Now that I am thinking about trying it just feels correct. I almost killed my mum with my mother with the attitude I had a few years ago, and I abandonnee a good old friend of mine in his time of need (he died of cancer in 2021, i'll never forgive myself for being too scared to be there for him when he needed me most), as well as other things but those are the two ones I lose sleep over. It's my turn to suffer, I dunno if there is a hell but if there is I'm gonna be knocking the door tonight. I'll update you if I fail I guess, I am stupid so it's almost likely but I have done plentful research on how to do this so I think I'm ready.

Probably won't post again until after if I fail. I am gonna spend my time right now just watching random shit on youtube lol, I am currently watching a video about the history of heavy in TF2 even though I havent palyed that game in forever, would fully reccommend the vid though. Sorry this post turned out so long... thanks for all the help you guys have given me in research, your doing great work helping my dumb ass orchestrate something like this lol, cheers for being accepting of me.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I understand that feeling of things feeling right before an attempt.
Much like a feeling of peaceful resignation.
I hope you find the peace you deserve.

 

[avaruus]

I hope you find peace from the cruel world.
I will probably soon hang myself as well, probably during the next weekend, so don't feel alone.
Many people are coming just after you, let's hope that the next existence (if there is one) is a much better place.

"I deserve suffering and locking me away from people garentees thier saftey. If I succeed I die, I go to hell for my sins"

There is no hell, don't believe in that crap. It's either peaceful nothingess, or a wonderful existence without pain, i'm sure of that.

Good luck!

 

[SVEN]

Best wishes for all going well, unmet friend. Only thing I'd suggest, make sure you have a careful note of where you bury your 'phone (maybe wrap it in plastic) just in case you don't manage to ctb and want to recover it.
Good luck.

 

[GreenMarsh]

I wanna make a note to myself to comment on any posts like these I see. I saw this post, OP, I read it, and I will try to internalize it so that the memory of you will be retained by at least one other living person.

I hope you find the peace you are looking for, for the peace we seek is not uncertain, but inevitable.


Even in a life so cruel, I'm glad you gave us the honor of trying to understand you, and I'm glad I tried too.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best of luck with your plans, I hope that you find freedom from your suffering.

 

[134340]

i think i'd choose chinese food for my last meal honestly, i love egg rolls and crab rangoons… wishing you peace on your journey friend

 

[letmejoindeath]

Me ex is taking my daughter to drink somewhere where other guys who are interested in her are going to be.

Im thinking about doing the same in my bathroom. Getting a grill and some lump coal after work. Take some sleeping pills and just go to sleep peacefully.

I'll no longer be a problem for anyone or for myself. The best possible world is one where I don't exist

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

Sad to see it come to this. Hope you can reconsider a little before you make a big decision like such. World is really hard to those already in a ton of pain but it's not always the best answer, and I know it's hard to see it like that when your brain is piled up with countless overwhelming negativity and reasons to want to die

Me ex is taking my daughter to drink somewhere where other guys who are interested in her are going to be.

Im thinking about doing the same in my bathroom. Getting a grill and some lump coal after work. Take some sleeping pills and just go to sleep peacefully.

That hurts a ton, but don't do it merely out of impulse. I know your daughter wouldn't want to see you go forever

 

[letmejoindeath]

That hurts a ton, but don't do it merely out of impulse. I know your daughter wouldn't want to see you go forever

I'm not doing it out of impulse. I would have killed myself a long time ago had she not been in my life everyday.

Now she will have a new dad who gets to spend more time with her even though I didn't mess up as a father. I grew up in a split home and it fucked my brain up. Before i would start projects and work on them until finished and would do great in school. Forcing me to drop my projects back and forth and i basically just give up on shit now. I would rather he be raised in a house with just a mom and dad who love her and love each other. No one will ever love me. She deserves a better life than me. I didn't have a good childhood, homelessness at 18 through mid 20s. Now im 35 and make 15$h living in a studio apartment. Women don't want me and I have come to terms with that and accept it. I'm just ready to move on. The pain I feel has been too much for too long and no one has fucking listened. This is the best possible scenario for everyone.

There is nothing for me to look back on and reminisce about. Can't even know what true happiness is like to compare it to anything to want to stay alive. All i know is agony, that's just life for some people, and no one fucking listens or does a damn thing. I accept that people want to see me miserable and i'm going to do something about it.

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

Someone in my town ended their life today by jumping out from a hot air balloon filled with people today, all I can say is if you're going to go, don't make it involve other people who have to be traumatized for the rest of their lives and see you end your shit or leave your cadaver in a place where others have to see. I don't necessarily recommend killing yourself but at the very least just be humane about it if it's what you need to do.

Feel like I need to say that after what happened here today

 

[AnonymousL]

Someone in my town ended their life today by jumping out from a hot air balloon filled with people today, all I can say is if you're going to go, don't make it involve other people who have to be traumatized for the rest of their lives and see you end your shit or leave your cadaver in a place where others have to see. I don't necessarily recommend killing yourself but at the very least just be humane about it if it's what you need to do.

Feel like I need to say that after what happened here today

That's horrifying... I can't imagine.

 

[letmejoindeath]

Someone in my town ended their life today by jumping out from a hot air balloon filled with people today, all I can say is if you're going to go, don't make it involve other people who have to be traumatized for the rest of their lives and see you end your shit or leave your cadaver in a place where others have to see. I don't necessarily recommend killing yourself but at the very least just be humane about it if it's what you need to do.

Feel like I need to say that after what happened here today

The reason I want to ctb is so I don't hurt any more people. No one will be involved but me.

It's shitty of people to involve others in their suicide. My life is shit, I don't want other people to have a shit life, I don't wish my life on anyone.

 

[HowLongLeft?]

I hope you find the peace your looking for and succeed in your plans.

 

[gargantuan]

Hope you find your peace.
That "I hurt people with my antics" part really caught me. I feel the same way.

 

[LastFlowers]

Someone in my town ended their life today by jumping out from a hot air balloon filled with people today, all I can say is if you're going to go, don't make it involve other people who have to be traumatized for the rest of their lives and see you end your shit or leave your cadaver in a place where others have to see. I don't necessarily recommend killing yourself but at the very least just be humane about it if it's what you need to do.

Feel like I need to say that after what happened here today

You're asking the impossible of people running on empty, suffering, at their limit.

It's always going to involve other people, some way somehow. Suicidal individuals are already forced to internalize their suffering for the convenience of others, I do not think asking that they die in the shadows in some imperceptible way..is a reasonable or fair request.
Requiring them to employ the utmost consideration when they likely received none themselves.

Maybe when those who have the luxury of living in their bubbles have their myopic perspective upset by a suicide in close proximity..they will wake the hell up and start taking action to lessen the suffering of those around them.
Or at the very least, stop actively contributing to it.

 

[wanttodie]

I hope you succeed in your plans.

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

You're asking the impossible of people running on empty, suffering, at their limit.

It's always going to involve other people, some way somehow.

Nah you can end your shit perfectly fine without jumping out of a floating vehicle and make another person liable for your death in some indirect way when they were just doing their job (or all the other people who were trying to enjoy their day but had to witness a person jump)

 

[Ernest1964]

"Do or do not, there is no try or attempt."