Attempted Failure.

[Meretricious]

Life is not worth living, but I'm am utterly terrified of failing, yet another, suicide attempt.

I am completely alone. And I do mean that quite literally. I do not know another human soul. I am single and have been homeless since January 1st, 2022. I am displaced, socially and romantically ostracized, made irrelevant in modernity, and indefinitely homeless and unemployed (haven't worked since October 2019). I am not dealing well with my loss of physical mobility, independence, and basic needs.

Everything I care about, every aptitude I possess, and every moral I hold dear, no longer pertains or applies to modernity. There is no one to connect with or to.

I am trapped. How do I find a sure fire suicide method? How do you suicide when you're penniless, without basic necessities, almost completely physically immobile, and without resources?

 

[cutejellybean]

I think the best options would be to jump off a building or to hang if you can find a private area. A decent rope is about $15 dollars though
Can I ask what method you used for your last attempt? Did it make you disabled?
Are there shelters or at least resources for disabled homeless people?
I hope you find peace.

 

[Gonnerr]

Mixing bleach and ammonia in a confine space could kill you , doesn't cost a lot. But be sure to place warning sign so other people doesn't get harm.

Jumping cost 0 if you can find a place high enough. 5 story or more usually will kill you.

Like the other guy said, a rope for hanging or a tourniquet can kill you.

Shallow water blackout cost 0 if you are not scared of water.

I like your picture by the way , George Carlin is the best. :)

 

[Meretricious]

I think the best options would be to jump off a building or to hang if you can find a private area. A decent rope is about $15 dollars though
Can I ask what method you used for your last attempt? Did it make you disabled?
Are there shelters or at least resources for disabled homeless people?
I hope you find peace.

I've tried several methods, and my last attempt was driving drunk. I ended up totaling my car, and walking away without a scratch. Lost my license and vehicle and haven't replaced either. No suicide attempt I've tried has disabled me. Some disabilities I was born with, others have developed over time in my adult life. I haven't had a primary care doctor or insurance since 2007, but was just approved for emergency Medi-Cal this past Friday. I am not on Disability, and never have been. Now that I have Medi-Cal, I suppose I could try that never ending waiting game of getting Disability approval.

Shelters are a joke, and most closed down during COVID. I've even been turned away from shelters. There are hardly services and resources for the homeless, and what's left is extremely limited. Funding has ceased for homeless programs in my country.

Mixing bleach and ammonia in a confine space could kill you , doesn't cost a lot. But be sure to place warning sign so other people doesn't get harm.

Jumping cost 0 if you can find a place high enough. 5 story or more usually will kill you.

Like the other guy said, a rope for hanging or a tourniquet can kill you.

Shallow water blackout cost 0 if you are not scared of water.

I like your picture by the way , George Carlin is the best. :)

I've considered Japanese detergent suicide, but I also don't have consistent access to a confined space. The only enclosed space I would be able to access is a motel bathroom, assuming I can get cash for a room. I have read many stories of this suicide method failing in motel/hotel bathrooms. Hmm. I'm aware of the warning signs and others being harmed by this method, as well. I found out about this method in December 2020, but during my research, came in to the information that the reaction caused by the mixture of chemicals is quite flammable. I am familiar with the required chemicals to mix. Burning to death is a very painful way to go...

I actually can't swim. But, I'm great at drowning. Water is my enemy. Ha.

Agreed. George Carlin was a comedic philosopher. I miss him. He's definitely turning in his grave, seeing what modernity has become.

 

[FuneralCry]

Failing ctb sounds so horrible to me and the reality is that leaving this world simply isn't straightforward. If there were very reliable methods that people could easily obtain that weren't difficult to go through with then I doubt that this site would exist, we do exist in such an anti suicide society after all. But anyway it does sound horrible what you have to endure, this world is undeniably such a hellish place to exist in, sadly there are just no easy answers to the question. I do hope that you find the freedom you wish for.

 

[Eschaton]

Failing ctb sounds so horrible to me and the reality is that leaving this world simply isn't straightforward. If there were very reliable methods that people could easily obtain that weren't difficult to go through with then I doubt that this site would exist, we do exist in such an anti suicide society after all. But anyway it does sound horrible what you have to endure, this world is undeniably such a hellish place to exist in, sadly there are just no easy answers to the question. I do hope that you find the freedom you wish for.

It's a shame it's so hard

 

[Meretricious]

Failing ctb sounds so horrible to me and the reality is that leaving this world simply isn't straightforward. If there were very reliable methods that people could easily obtain that weren't difficult to go through with then I doubt that this site would exist, we do exist in such an anti suicide society after all. But anyway it does sound horrible what you have to endure, this world is undeniably such a hellish place to exist in, sadly there are just no easy answers to the question. I do hope that you find the freedom you wish for.

This is going to sound so awkward, but I've seen you everywhere on this forum! I lurked for a bit before I joined, and I noticed you then, too.

I've failed more suicide attempts than I can count. I think that's why I'm so ready to go (and have been for quite some time), but I'm also simultaneously horrified at the thought of another failed attempt. The situation is akin to being in limbo or purgatory, in my opinion.

You make a valid point about this site's existence. People would not need a forum for such things if suicide were easy, available, and/or straightforward.

The biggest thing I can't stand about myself, is how I'm never wanted. It's so blatantly clear that I was never wanted. Everywhere I turn, even when turning to help, I am rejected in some form or fashion. At best, I've been a placeholder my entire life. I grew up to become a useless, irrelevant, disabled, bum. I am merely a leftover human.

"I hang my head, and I advertise,
A soul for sale or rent,
I have no heart, I'm cold inside,
I have no real intent."

 

[bigdog]

Man world is a cruel place

 

[sweetandsanctioned]

I've tried several methods, and my last attempt was driving drunk. I ended up totaling my car, and walking away without a scratch. Lost my license and vehicle and haven't replaced either. No suicide attempt I've tried has disabled me. Some disabilities I was born with, others have developed over time in my adult life. I haven't had a primary care doctor or insurance since 2007, but was just approved for emergency Medi-Cal this past Friday. I am not on Disability, and never have been. Now that I have Medi-Cal, I suppose I could try that never ending waiting game of getting Disability approval.

Shelters are a joke, and most closed down during COVID. I've even been turned away from shelters. There are hardly services and resources for the homeless, and what's left is extremely limited. Funding has ceased for homeless programs in my country.




I've considered Japanese detergent suicide, but I also don't have consistent access to a confined space. The only enclosed space I would be able to access is a motel bathroom, assuming I can get cash for a room. I have read many stories of this suicide method failing in motel/hotel bathrooms. Hmm. I'm aware of the warning signs and others being harmed by this method, as well. I found out about this method in December 2020, but during my research, came in to the information that the reaction caused by the mixture of chemicals is quite flammable. I am familiar with the required chemicals to mix. Burning to death is a very painful way to go...

I actually can't swim. But, I'm great at drowning. Water is my enemy. Ha.

Agreed. George Carlin was a comedic philosopher. I miss him. He's definitely turning in his grave, seeing what modernity has become.

There is woods and it's not hard to find something to hang yourself with. Not saying you should do it but there is definately ways that cost 0 except your life and any suicide method could fail. There's no garunteed suicide method except in euthanasia and in rare cases, that can even fail and the person fails to slip into a coma or it takes much longer to die. Sadly, it's just a matter of choosing the method.. one that's just that bit more easier but there is no real easy way to do it without proper assistance and we may never even know if eauthanasia is totally painless as all the bodies muscles, including the ones needed to talk are suppressed. Studies on the bodies of eithanised patients even show that some of them had fluid in their lungs. That means they could have literally felt like they were drowning to death but were too paralyzed to even speak or move. I still think it should be legal though as it's the best we have and no one asks to be here. Anyway, i'm rambling on. My point is there is no easy legal way and possibly no easy way at all to kill yourself. And you could just be stalling because deep down you still have some hope. All I can say is that I wish you all the best.

 

[Meretricious]

And you could just be stalling because deep down you still have some hope.

I thought I made my dilemma(s) quite clear in my original post that started this thread.

 

[that smell]

Now that I have Medi-Cal, I suppose I could try that never ending waiting game of getting Disability approval.

You're in CA? Fentanyl should be relatively cheap and abundant.

 

[Meretricious]

You're in CA? Fentanyl should be relatively cheap and abundant.

I find it hilarious that you thought of California based on that description. Makes sense. Ha.

Not sure how one would obtain Fentanyl, and how to check that it is what I am looking for. Also, aren't drug overdoses wicked deaths? Hmm.

 

[that smell]

I find it hilarious that you thought of California based on that description. Makes sense. Ha.

Not sure how one would obtain Fentanyl, and how to check that it is what I am looking for. Also, aren't drug overdoses wicked deaths? Hmm.

I thought Medi-Cal was a California program?

It's everywhere in CA, at least it is in SoCal and I'm sure SF/Bay as well, at least in my experience… If you're buying illicit opiates/H or pressed pills there's a good chance it's laced. It's popular among the homeless community and you can outright ask for it.

I've heard opiate overdoses are quite peaceful. It would definitely be preferable to some other methods mentioned, such as ammonia and bleach.

 

[Meretricious]

I thought Medi-Cal was a California program?

It's everywhere in CA, at least it is in SoCal and I'm sure SF/Bay as well, at least in my experience… If you're buying illicit opiates/H or pressed pills there's a good chance it's laced. It's popular among the homeless community and you can outright ask for it.

I've heard opiate overdoses are quite peaceful. It would definitely be preferable to some other methods mentioned, such as ammonia and bleach.

I thought Medi-Cal was just an American thing, and throughout all 50 states.

Yeah, the lacing makes me apprehensive, because I won't know what it's laced with or the effects. I'm also one of those loner homeless people that doesn't talk to other homeless people. Any tips? I'm too well spoken for drug lingo, too. I once tried to buy from someone "through the grapevine," in my twenties, and was accused of being an undercover cop. Haw. Haw.

Opiate overdose might be peaceful, since they tend to sedate and relax you. Expensive, too.

 

[that smell]

I thought Medi-Cal was just an American thing, and throughout all 50 states.

Yeah, the lacing makes me apprehensive, because I won't know what it's laced with or the effects. I'm also one of those loner homeless people that doesn't talk to other homeless people. Any tips? I'm too well spoken for drug lingo, too. I once tried to buy from someone "through the grapevine," in my twenties, and was accused of being an undercover cop. Haw. Haw.

Opiate overdose might be peaceful, since they tend to sedate and relax you. Expensive, too.

To my knowledge, Medi-Cal is the California implementation of the federal Medicaid program.

You would have to do some networking I suppose. Are there any encampments in your area? If you're living out there homeless I doubt you'd be suspected as a narc. Where I am there are areas where it might as well grow on trees. People looking for H or pills are getting laced because Fentanyl is cheaper and more potent. It's even contaminating coke, though I believe that is unintentional. Without any tolerance or Narcan readily available, you'll likely ctb. When someone overdoses everyone wants to know where they got their dope from because they all want the good stuff. Those who are seeking it intentionally don't have too much trouble finding it.

It's hard to say what the experience is like as I haven't overdosed myself. I've seen people who were overdosing and agonal breathing, which looked very unpleasant. When they were saved with Narcan they were pissed off because their high was ruined, which leads me to believe it felt better than it looked.

 

[Meretricious]

To my knowledge, Medi-Cal is the California implementation of the federal Medicaid program.

I think you've nailed it. Don't I feel stupid now. Either way, I didn't intend on exposing my location, because I can't stand the country and state I live in. Absolute hellholes, riddled with low IQ populations. Hell has cheaper rent than California, and the same ridiculously burning hot weather. That blind American patriotism drives me up the fucking wall, too. Apologies, I digress...

You would have to do some networking I suppose. Are there any encampments in your area? If you're living out there homeless I doubt you'd be suspected as a narc. Where I am there are areas where it might as well grow on trees. People looking for H or pills are getting laced because Fentanyl is cheaper and more potent. It's even contaminating coke, though I believe that is unintentional. Without any tolerance or Narcan readily available, you'll likely ctb. When someone overdoses everyone wants to know where they got their dope from because they all want the good stuff. Those who are seeking it intentionally don't have too much trouble finding it.

It's hard to say what the experience is like as I haven't overdosed myself. I've seen people who were overdosing and agonal breathing, which looked very unpleasant. When they were saved with Narcan they were pissed off because their high was ruined, which leads me to believe it felt better than it looked.

You bring up valid points. Thanks for your feedback and responses to my thread.

I'll definitely need to network and do some hunting. Lots of homeless encampments have been raided and torn down where I currently am (and it happens often). I see cops cleaning up homeless encampments at least twice a week; great use of tax dollars right there.

Is there a way to make sure I'm actually getting Fentanyl? I've got no idea what I'm looking for or even what Fentanyl looks like. I suck. I guess I could just overdose on any drug, but you don't always go out in the same manner; different drugs tend to take you out differently.

It's a shame it's so hard

Nothing worth it in life is easy. And the freedom of death is definitely worth searching for.

 

[that smell]

Usually it comes as a pressed pill from what I've seen. A lot of people are upfront that it's fent because a lot of people want it since it's so potent. They'll take the pill, snort it, or dissolve it and mainline it. I've also seen it as a powder. You can get fentanyl test strips from somewhere. They're increasingly popular as a harm prevention method. That way you'd know for sure.

Although I don't think it's necessary. Any opiate would work the same, especially without a tolerance, fentanyl is just a lot stronger. If you got some heroin for example, it's either heroin or fentanyl, and a hot shot of it will have the same outcome if there's nobody to intervene. It's highly unlikely you'll get your hands on an opiate and it'll be some random drug that has unexpected effects.

GHB is another good one but more difficult to source and probably more expensive. I don't have much experience with it but it's out there.

 

[Meretricious]

Usually it comes as a pressed pill from what I've seen. A lot of people are upfront that it's fent because a lot of people want it since it's so potent. They'll take the pill, snort it, or dissolve it and mainline it. I've also seen it as a powder. You can get fentanyl test strips from somewhere. They're increasingly popular as a harm prevention method. That way you'd know for sure.

Although I don't think it's necessary. Any opiate would work the same, especially without a tolerance, fentanyl is just a lot stronger. If you got some heroin for example, it's either heroin or fentanyl, and a hot shot of it will have the same outcome if there's nobody to intervene. It's highly unlikely you'll get your hands on an opiate and it'll be some random drug that has unexpected effects.

GHB is another good one but more difficult to source and probably more expensive. I don't have much experience with it but it's out there.

You're quite helpful and responsive. Thank-you. I much appreciate that.

Never realized Fentanyl came in pills. I thought it was shot in the vein(s) like heroin. I was also aware of the powder form, again, because of heroin. I know about Fentanyl because of it being mixed with heroin and being all over the news.

Test strips are a great idea, even if I'm using them the wrong way. I'll have to scout some spots that sell such things. I doubt that's a pharmacy item. I've only ever seen test booths at drug related events, such as raves.

Hmm. I think heroin makes you vomit when you inject it; at least that's what I've heard. But, I've also heard it's the most relaxed you'll feel in your life.

EDIT: I almost forgot about GHB. Isn't that the date rape drug?

Trying to figure out a sure fire method is wickedly challenging. But, I guess a drug overdose isn't out of the question, and shouldn't take as long as pharmaceutical and over the counter drug overdoses. It's the fear of failing another attempt that makes me repulsively sick to my stomach.

 

[that smell]

No problem. Happy to help.

It's ~100x more potent than morphine and ~50x more potent than heroin. It's pressed into pills or other forms for convenience. It can be ingested, snorted, smoked, or injected like most other opiates. That's why it's taking over… because a lot less is a lot more. Easier to transport means it's cheaper and the potency makes it valued among addicts. That's where the danger comes in too; those without a tolerance are overdosing at an alarming rate.

Here is some information on Fentanyl and test strips for California.

Opiates/opioids have been known to cause nausea and vomiting but unless ingested orally it won't get it out of your system. And yeah, the high is apparently one of the best.

GHB is the date rape drug, yeah. It'll probably be harder to find on the streets because it's less popular among recreational users, but it's still out there. One of the benefits for ctb is in high doses it is almost irreversible, unlike opiates/opioids where intervention with Narcan (Nalaxone) is a "miracle" drug. I think GHB is also a very peaceful way to go.

A surefire method is no doubt wickedly challenging. Unfortunately ctb is not as easy as one might think.

Anything over the counter or even prescribed, like Benzos, is also unreliable and very low success rate unfortunately. Doctors and pharmacists go to great lengths to make it difficult.

If you want to private message me, feel free.