Tbh, I don't know what happiness really feels like. I'm not saying I've never laughed, I have. But been happy for a period of time? No. Never.
porfin1234
Arcanist
- Dec 26, 2019
- 476
June 2018 til June 2019
Mind blowing and spectacular sprinkled with your typical emotional roller coaster lol
Amazing at job, home, tons of hobbies, trip to Europe, friends, etc. What a dream.
Mind blowing and spectacular sprinkled with your typical emotional roller coaster lol
Amazing at job, home, tons of hobbies, trip to Europe, friends, etc. What a dream.
TAW122
Emissary of the right to die.
- Aug 30, 2018
- 6,859
It's hard to pinpoint an exact time in my life where I am the most happy (happiest), but it is usually during very short bursts of glee and joy. I could name a few times where I was rather very happy, it was about when I was 17 years old and I've played an online game pretty well, just aced the SAT (in preparation for college), and also things in life are generally going positively well. I suppose what changed was when things started to sour, I started to see the real world for what it is (depressing as hell, nevermind the personal problems that I am already wrestling with). From after 18, my life was up and down, then it sucked for some time and wishing to CTB.
enjoy
Creature
- Dec 20, 2019
- 337
i was a very happy kid, even though i started getting bullied towards the end of elementary school.
something changed at the end of my eighth grade year, though. i remember i was almost failing algebra, and that if i didn't pass the final, i'd get left back while my friends went on to high school. i got in an argument with my parents about this whole mess, ran to my room, slammed the door and started crying my eyes out. a little while later, i came up with an idea: if i ended my life, i wouldn't have to worry about math class or the final anymore.
yeah, that was the very beginning. i was only 13 at the time, so the reason why i wanted to ctb was pretty trivial. time went on, and the thought of suicide began to recur in my subconscious. i was bullied terribly during my freshman year of high school, and i realized that killing myself was the only possible solution.
i started going to therapy, but i wouldn't tell my mom it was because i wanted to die. i got properly diagnosed with anxiety, even though i'd been suffering from it since i was very young (around 6). of course i'd seen a few therapists before this one, but they weren't going to diagnose a 6-year-old with a mental disorder.
my suicidal ideation started to manifest itself in my daily life in many different ways. it wasn't until i first met my ex that i wasn't constantly thinking about how lonely and pathetic i was, and how ctb would solve every problem i had. my ex quickly became the light of my life. the day i asked her to be my girlfriend was the best day i've ever had the privilege to live out. i experienced genuine happiness. it was the best feeling in the world. my chest was literally fluttering.
now, i have a laundry list of reasons as to why i want to ctb. it's an endless litany, and i'd be here for a very long time if i listed every reason off. looking back and seeing how i got here is pretty damn sad. it makes my eyes burn and swell up. i hate talking about it and remembering everything, but... whatever.
something changed at the end of my eighth grade year, though. i remember i was almost failing algebra, and that if i didn't pass the final, i'd get left back while my friends went on to high school. i got in an argument with my parents about this whole mess, ran to my room, slammed the door and started crying my eyes out. a little while later, i came up with an idea: if i ended my life, i wouldn't have to worry about math class or the final anymore.
yeah, that was the very beginning. i was only 13 at the time, so the reason why i wanted to ctb was pretty trivial. time went on, and the thought of suicide began to recur in my subconscious. i was bullied terribly during my freshman year of high school, and i realized that killing myself was the only possible solution.
i started going to therapy, but i wouldn't tell my mom it was because i wanted to die. i got properly diagnosed with anxiety, even though i'd been suffering from it since i was very young (around 6). of course i'd seen a few therapists before this one, but they weren't going to diagnose a 6-year-old with a mental disorder.
my suicidal ideation started to manifest itself in my daily life in many different ways. it wasn't until i first met my ex that i wasn't constantly thinking about how lonely and pathetic i was, and how ctb would solve every problem i had. my ex quickly became the light of my life. the day i asked her to be my girlfriend was the best day i've ever had the privilege to live out. i experienced genuine happiness. it was the best feeling in the world. my chest was literally fluttering.
now, i have a laundry list of reasons as to why i want to ctb. it's an endless litany, and i'd be here for a very long time if i listed every reason off. looking back and seeing how i got here is pretty damn sad. it makes my eyes burn and swell up. i hate talking about it and remembering everything, but... whatever.
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Broken Chimera
The abyss also gazes into you
- May 27, 2019
- 972
waterbottleman
Not a person
- Sep 30, 2019
- 721
10 years ago when I was 19
20 was good too.
22 is when things started going down hill for me
20 was good too.
22 is when things started going down hill for me
BabyYoda
F*ck this sh!t I'm out
- Dec 30, 2019
- 552
18, when I had pure, genuine love for someone. Also the same age when everything has gone to shit.
Jon86
Specialist
- Apr 9, 2018
- 369
I was always happy before 1999 (at 13), been rolling downhill ever since, from chronic illness, eventual isolation, no hope, no enjoyment in life. All my insanely intense efforts to improve my life/health have lead me nowhere, i'm stuck in this hole, been dead metaphorically for a long time now.
listeningpost1379
enduring winter
- Apr 20, 2019
- 93
21 ~ 23, I vividly remember the turning point shortly after I turned 21 and felt the sudden fear of death - the very first time I wanted to live in my life. Those 2.5 years were quite ordinary, I had many conflicts with my family, worked a busy office job, read a lot, hung at many cafes, sometimes with a few not-close casual friends. I miss it. Being a normal member of society was so easy.
I wouldn't want to go back to that time though, and the reason is trivial: I lived with my parents then and the house was not as hygienic as I'd like, I've become very particular about it in the past year.
I wouldn't want to go back to that time though, and the reason is trivial: I lived with my parents then and the house was not as hygienic as I'd like, I've become very particular about it in the past year.
