At my age I see people doing so much..

[Deviisdreaming-]

I'm a young girl, I have my own apartment and a boyfriend. I have a what I consider a good job, 15.00 an hour and uncapped commission. I just feel like I want to go to college, but I'm so mentally weak I can barely handle a 40 hour week let alone college on top of it. I want to be better than a dead end job and the pain that comes with it. I have a foot condition and I don't make enough money to purchase the appropriate shoes for myself. So the long 8-hour days hurt from the soles of my feet to the tip of my shoulders. I've been in situations that trigger my PTSD while doing coustmer service, but I don't really have anything else to turn to. It's either this or I get another warehouse job which is so mundane and mixed with the constant standing pretty much all I can think about is the pain. I can't just leave my apartment and partner behind to get my life together. I'd feel even worse leaving him alone and on top of it I'll probably be homeless or back home with my guardian where roaches run a muck. My grandma is a hoarder, my mother is a narcissistic dirty piece of shit and my brother is a wannabe wise-ass that thinks at 18 he knows more than everyone else at his age.

My days seem to go by so slow and linger on for what feels like an eternity. All I can think about is the upcoming school year and how I wanted to be apart of that class, constantly working, the pain, the disgusting perverts at my job that remind me of the worse times in my life. The mangers that treat me like the trash I treat myself. I can barely keep my hair done, because depression bed rids me. I can barely shower, because I can't even bare to see myself naked or touch the person who has hurt me the most. I am a cynic, a liar, a manipulator and with no one to blame.

I tried to eat healthier and quit smoking, I really did. Now I kind of just hope eating constantly and smoking will kill me or cripple me to a point of not knowing the difference between life or death. I'm tired of trying over and over. I'm tired of getting up and putting one foot in front of the other only to be reminded my poverty has landed me here. That part that makes me want to die the most is the fact my life is up to me and I feel like I can't control it. Me and the pill bottle have been eye to eye for a few days, but I know my bad habits will take me out before I even conceive killing myself truly as an option.

 

[Wehmut]

You have accomplished a lot more than me already. I wasted 3 years of life. I still go to school at age 20 and have 3 more years to go. I dont have an apartment and I never had a girlfriend. The last time I had a deep platonic relationship was like 2 years ago. I know how it feels to be stuck. Doing the same job everyday, eating the same food, seeing the same people everyday, that ask the same question everyday. Life can be very tiring and boring. I always try to see it from a positive perspective. Have you spoken to your boyfriend about this?

 

[Deviisdreaming-]

You have accomplished a lot more than me already. I wasted 3 years of life. I still go to school at age 20 and have 3 more years to go. I dont have an apartment and I never had a girlfriend. The last time I had a deep platonic relationship was like 2 years ago. I know how it feels to be stuck. Doing the same job everyday, eating the same food, seeing the same people everyday, that ask the same question everyday. Life can be very tiring and boring. I always try to see it from a positive perspective. Have you spoken to your boyfriend about this?

I try to talk to him, but I feel trapped with him too. I know that sounds wretched, but I don't feel happy with him all the time. He isn't the best communicator and similar to you I don't think he's really had a relationship or even so much as a true friendship before. I understand that when I seen these qualities of him in the beginning I should've left, but now that I have things to pay for and nowhere to go there's really no turning back. I said I loved him, so to me that means to stay no matter how long it takes for him to understand my problems along with his. He has Autism and depression as well. Instead of us meeting in the middle, it seems like a competition to him and instead of trying to understand me he rather compare us. I can't expect him to help me anyway as he barely knows how to take care of himself in simple ways- whereas I have the know how, but don't care enough to help myself. If I left him, he'll really truly be alone to fend for himself with barely any knowledge. That's why I'm here betting on if I should die or not, because if I take my life I'd selfishly not have to deal with the consequences of leaving him, of getting my life together, or fixing myself and so on.