Venting AS TIME GETS CLOSER I GET ANGRIER

[Unattainable666]

As time gets closer to my leaving, I'm becoming angrier. I've never been one to "hate" anyone or really hold a grudge, but now my life is so full of hate and anger I feel as if I don't even know myself anymore. I have such rage for the people who have hurt me. Such hatred for myself or making decisions that have led me to ctb. I've been suicidal for a long time but always kept it in check. Now that's all I think about is to lie down, close my eyes and die. To never feel anything again. To not worry about jobs, or bills, or who fucked me over today. To not wake up feeling such dread of what's going to happen today. I will leave behind one very special person, but I'm so tired of fighting that I can't stay here for him. The only thing I want at this point in my life is for the trauma to stop, for the anxiety to stop. I want nothing more than peace in my life and I'll never find it here. I'll be honest I'm afraid - not of dying but of failing to die. So my time is getting short and I'm grateful. But the thought of all the fuckers who pushed me to ctb will continue to live their merry little lives, probably even laugh at the stupid bitch who took her own life. And that's ok because the best part of all of that is that I'll be gone and I will feel nothing.

 

[OrphicEnd]

I know how it's unfair that often the people who do the most harm are the ones who suffer the least..
Best wishes, I hope you'll find the peace you're wanting and that these people who hurt you suffer in turn

 

[lachrymost]

Most of this I almost could have written myself, but I don't know how the fuck to ctb so I can't be so resolute. The anger is overwhelming. I'm starting to direct it inward too, like you said—because of the decisions that lead me here. I was way too loud yelling in the bathroom just now. It's only a matter of time before I get a noise complaint, so I better change. It's just so all-consuming. I've become an emotional monster.

Good luck to you. I hope you find a way out of this hell somehow. I beg the insouciant universe to care about us, because I'm stark and raving at this point. Might as well do a rain dance.

 

[FuneralCry]

This world truly is such a dreadful place and it's so awful how people have to suffer so much, I certainly understand as to why you just wish to never wake again, to me it sounds so peaceful sleeping for all eternity. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.