As someone with major (health) issues who is searching for a partner (significant other) one should...

[noname223]

I am pretty lonely. And I realize most women don't have as much problems as me. I think in general there are not that many people with as severe issues as me. Or at least it is hard to find them outside this forum.

I have a lot of couple in minds. Sometimes they are very assymetrical. I am not sure what is better. I think I might need someone who is very empathic and understanding. And usually other people with mental issues have more empathy for people with mental health shit. Though my mental health shit is quite extreme. It is very difficult or almost impossible to find a partner that fits to me.

My approach is to search for someone with mental issues too. I have met so so many women in my life who were raped. Many of them seem to prefer staying single. Or they are waiting for someone special who is not me.

I think it depends on the case and individual. I often wish I could find someone who also has issues but we still complemented each other perfectly.

 

[Linda]

A lot depends on whether your health problems are immediately apparent to anyone you meet. I'll assume that they aren't, unless you tell me otherwise. On that assumption, if I were in your situation I would probably meet people in the same sorts of ways as everyone else meets people, but I would tell them very early in any relationship about the problems. That needn't mean the day you meet them, but it does mean soon. The ball is then in their court. They may decide that they like you just the way you are. Or they may decide they don't want that kind of relationship. You need to be prepared for either reaction.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not sure you should look for someone with problems specifically, more like Linda said- try to meet lots of people and see who you click with. I guess I understand the reasoning though. Like- I always felt I'd be better matched to another pessimist. I think an optimist would drive me nuts and, vice versa- no doubt.

Not sure really. I had a massive crush on my neighbour once. He had very obvious issues with women, likely because of abandonment/ neglect from his mother and a strong dislike of his sister. It was actually a very unfortunate infatuation on my part because he went for stick thin women (ballerinas) which was never going to be me! Lol! Not at all good for my ego.

Anyhow, I was talking about him to some friends at work and they said: 'Never date someone with more problems than your own.' I thought that was kind of funny seeing as I would have thought I was the one with more screws loose but- I'd obviously masked it pretty well.

Not sure I agree with that. Probably depends on the problems but in his case- I think they were right. Not that I even had a chance but I think men or women who have major trust issues and resentment for the opposite sex are definitely something to be wary of. Not that you have that but put it this way- I think other sorts of problems are more appealing to that! Hatred towards a gender I think can manifest in violence. Both verbal and physical abuse and plenty of relationships are like that. I doubt you're going to do that (from what I've read here- you seem a sensitive guy.)

I don't really know the answer though. Where I would agree with Linda would be to let them know early on in the relationship. It also depends I suppose on what you want and what you'll accept. Do you want them to try to 'save you' as it were? Will you let them- do you think?

Part of the reason I wouldn't want a partner now is because I imagine they would try to help me and, I've become so set in my thinking and so stubborn, I think that would annoy me! So- I likely wouldn't tell them everything. But then, I'd likely fail at masking how I was feeling and either they wouldn't pick up on it or, they would ignore it- which would make me feel more lonely I think. Or, they'd keep pressing me to talk to them and either I would and have to fake it that they'd helped, or, I wouldn't- which would likely hurt them. Plus, with CTB firmly on the cards for me- personally, it feels unwise to make more tethers here and it feels unfair on them. (In my situation.)

I think relationships are a good way towards recovery though- if that is more your focus. I wish you well. I hope you find someone.

 

[noname223]

I'm not sure you should look for someone with problems specifically, more like Linda said- try to meet lots of people and see who you click with. I guess I understand the reasoning though. Like- I always felt I'd be better matched to another pessimist. I think an optimist would drive me nuts and, vice versa- no doubt.

Not sure really. I had a massive crush on my neighbour once. He had very obvious issues with women, likely because of abandonment/ neglect from his mother and a strong dislike of his sister. It was actually a very unfortunate infatuation on my part because he went for stick thin women (ballerinas) which was never going to be me! Lol! Not at all good for my ego.

Anyhow, I was talking about him to some friends at work and they said: 'Never date someone with more problems than your own.' I thought that was kind of funny seeing as I would have thought I was the one with more screws loose but- I'd obviously masked it pretty well.

Not sure I agree with that. Probably depends on the problems but in his case- I think they were right. Not that I even had a chance but I think men or women who have major trust issues and resentment for the opposite sex are definitely something to be wary of. Not that you have that but put it this way- I think other sorts of problems are more appealing to that! Hatred towards a gender I think can manifest in violence. Both verbal and physical abuse and plenty of relationships are like that. I doubt you're going to do that (from what I've read here- you seem a sensitive guy.)

I don't really know the answer though. Where I would agree with Linda would be to let them know early on in the relationship. It also depends I suppose on what you want and what you'll accept. Do you want them to try to 'save you' as it were? Will you let them- do you think?

Part of the reason I wouldn't want a partner now is because I imagine they would try to help me and, I've become so set in my thinking and so stubborn, I think that would annoy me! So- I likely wouldn't tell them everything. But then, I'd likely fail at masking how I was feeling and either they wouldn't pick up on it or, they would ignore it- which would make me feel more lonely I think. Or, they'd keep pressing me to talk to them and either I would and have to fake it that they'd helped, or, I wouldn't- which would likely hurt them. Plus, with CTB firmly on the cards for me- personally, it feels unwise to make more tethers here and it feels unfair on them. (In my situation.)

I think relationships are a good way towards recovery though- if that is more your focus. I wish you well. I hope you find someone.

Thanks for you kind words @Forever Sleep ! And thanks for replying so frequently to my threads. Yesterday (or a few days ago?) I read your thread about mourning in the suicide subforum but I just did not know what to respond. It was a really sad thread and I feel sorry for your situation. It must be tough but you still are a very kind person which can be difficult if life is so unfair to us.

Hugs :)

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thanks for you kind words @Forever Sleep ! And thanks for replying so frequently to my threads. Yesterday (or a few days ago?) I read your thread about mourning in the suicide subforum but I just did not know what to respond. It was a really sad thread and I feel sorry for your situation. It must be tough but you still are a very kind person which can be difficult if life is so unfair to us.

Hugs :)

Thank you so much. That's so kind of you. You are a very kind person too. A very considerate person I think. That should go a long way in a relationship I believe. Really, most of us are carrying baggage of some kind when you think about it. It's just finding someone where you both can cope with each other's quirks I guess. I hope you find them. Hugs back.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I think the ideal is to meet someone whose mental problems don't overlap with yours or at least don't react negatively in any way, kind of like the drug interaction guide. Let's be real, everyone seems to have something going on mentally to various degrees. Even being completely unfazed by the horrors of this world can in itself be considered some kind of mental deficiency. I'm not sure which combinations exactly work best together but I know it's possible at least.

 

[-Link-]

I think there's too much volatility.

Mental illness generally does not remain stagnant. Severity ebbs and flows. When a couple's severity tips too far out of balance, the partner who's in the better situation starts pulling away. It's only natural. If it's out of balance for too much time, someone's going to get hurt and hurt very badly.

Similarly if it goes in the opposite direction. One partner's condition worsens. If the situation is already "very severe" or "extremely severe" and it yet worsens... what does that even look like? Immobility? Catatonia? Hospitalization? Death?

It's tempting to specifically seek out someone who's as messed up as I am, but could I trust a situation with so much instability? I feel like it's a setup for future serious hurt.

My heart says "yes, please."

My brain says "don't go there."