Venting Art skill insecurity & doom

[Bitterman1996]

[just long vent because i'm having suicidal ideation]

Wanting to become professional visual artist is hell, there's thousands upon thousands of people more skilled or/AND talented than you. Browsing for inspiration online just made it worse because i feel insecure.. But i want to keep going, but it's painful. I don't see much progress on myself, but i know partially it's because i slacked off. I know people that are better works 100000x harder than me. I know.

But still hard to swallow. Especially with recent machine learning improvement it became more and more dystopic.

I find it hard to genuinely interact online as well.... I might have personality disorder/social anxiety issues that made it hard to interact with people. I feel like i shouldn't post often as a person and just post my drawings, but social media loves people who are engaging more. Maybe that's just the problem with social media and I'm too hang up upon it.

Aside from drawing idk what skill i have currently, having to learn completely new field in my mid 20s would be rough but i have to do it... Because i have fucked up before and have no degree. Even then it might not turned out well because ageism in workplace hiring system. I might just be too old then.

Trying all of this while in the back of my mind that it isn't worth it is hell. Why do I have to survive and gain financial independence, when i barely value myself. Maybe there's a smidge of self satisfaction, but it's fleeting. I don't enjoy mindless spending either, everytime i buy slightly nicer things, just ridden with guilt. Like everything in life. But if I don't became capable & somewhat functioning, it would make connecting with people harder... Being lonely led to further self isolation and eventual suicide, maybe i'm in denial because it's just the most sensible ending. Sometimes i feel like i'm the person who are used for example for kids by their parent, ample of past opportunities and resources wasted on a fool.

I had set my date to be this year on my birthday, i dont want to give up yet but it's hard to keep going. I shouldnt have been born, everything from my personality and existence just a curse for people i've met, just a nuisance and unable to assimilate. I want to die.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I really know how you feel. I'm creative too. I've managed to be freelance the past 5 years but financially, I'm a failure. I'm about to start a new (non creative) job and I'm dreading it. I don't think 'normal' people realise how hard it is to give up our creative dreams. It literally kills our souls. It IS us effectively (that's how I feel anyhow.) I said to a friend of mine- it would be like me telling you to give up your children!

Still, what can you do? Sadly- it isn't always JUST about creating work. Like you say- that's hard enough- with all the competition out there. In my field, it's mainly freelance- which is super precarious and the work is up and down the country. It's also working with others- which I struggle with. For me- it's just not all that feasible anymore

I REALLY hope you can make a success of it though. For context- I'm MUCH older than you- I'm 43. I actually re-trained in a different art field when I was in my late twenties- so- I think there is hope for you. I expect you feel old but 20's, even 30's isn't too bad for a change. Honestly- in what I'm about to take on- I have NO experience. I'm kind of amazed they're giving me a chance.

I hope it doesn't come to that though for you. I hope you can find a way to make it work. Good luck.

 

[Someday_Somehow32]

This is the exact same boat I'm in.

 

[Bitterman1996]

This is the exact same boat I'm in.

Yeah and honestly i've seen a lot of artist i look up to struggle with the same thing, though the amount of empathy i have for them is limited because I'm essentially envious of what they are capable off. It's ugly feeling.

I really know how you feel. I'm creative too. I've managed to be freelance the past 5 years but financially, I'm a failure. I'm about to start a new (non creative) job and I'm dreading it. I don't think 'normal' people realise how hard it is to give up our creative dreams. It literally kills our souls. It IS us effectively (that's how I feel anyhow.) I said to a friend of mine- it would be like me telling you to give up your children!

Still, what can you do? Sadly- it isn't always JUST about creating work. Like you say- that's hard enough- with all the competition out there. In my field, it's mainly freelance- which is super precarious and the work is up and down the country. It's also working with others- which I struggle with. For me- it's just not all that feasible anymore

I REALLY hope you can make a success of it though. For context- I'm MUCH older than you- I'm 43. I actually re-trained in a different art field when I was in my late twenties- so- I think there is hope for you. I expect you feel old but 20's, even 30's isn't too bad for a change. Honestly- in what I'm about to take on- I have NO experience. I'm kind of amazed they're giving me a chance.

I hope it doesn't come to that though for you. I hope you can find a way to make it work. Good luck.

I really, really, really appreciate your reply sharing your experience. I saw it this morning, and just cried at that line about how 'normal' people not fully understanding the extend of it. I know realistically it's hard to make it come true, but I guess i just feel frustrated not being understood.

Haha i hope so too, but honestly with the way things are going, it's wishful thinking. I will try to keep drawing though, regardless of what happens career wise, i feel like the day i finally gave up on it only then i should really die.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah and honestly i've seen a lot of artist i look up to struggle with the same thing, though the amount of empathy i have for them is limited because I'm essentially envious of what they are capable off. It's ugly feeling.

I really, really, really appreciate your reply sharing your experience. I saw it this morning, and just cried at that line about how 'normal' people not fully understanding the extend of it. I know realistically it's hard to make it come true, but I guess i just feel frustrated not being understood.

Haha i hope so too, but honestly with the way things are going, it's wishful thinking. I will try to keep drawing though, regardless of what happens career wise, i feel like the day i finally gave up on it only then i should really die.

It's a comfort to me too to see other struggling creatives on here- not in a sadistic way of course- not that I like seeing other people suffering. It's just it tends to be it's own brand of suffering that a lot of people tend to belittle- and I do understand that. It's not like chronic illness or anything. Still- it's awful to us.

People often think being creative is a gift but it's a curse if you can't use it. It just feels like it all gets bottled up inside with no release. Sometimes just doing it as a 'hobby' isn't enough. Plus, I think the mental anguish of squashing yourself into a regular job can be enough to kill all hope and drive. I REALLY hope that doesn't happen to you.

Have you seen the film: 'Florence Foster Jenkins'? She was a lady in the 1940's who had an enormous passion for singing and music but not quite the talent to match. I LOVED her passion though. She said to her pianist: 'We'd rather go without bread than Mozart, wouldn't we?' I can't say I'm that dedicated but I love the sentiment.

 

[yive]

some people are just privileged/talented from birth, and there is nothing fair in this crap. it's like perfect pitch in music - you either have it or you don't, and there is nothing you can do about it. i mean, some people can work really hard and still be underdogs, and privileged people need a lot less work to be successful in some area

 

[Bitterman1996]

. Plus, I think the mental anguish of squashing yourself into a regular job can be enough to kill all hope and drive.

All of this i get that at one point I've to be realistic but not having the time and mind to invest in your skills sucks. I truly question how people with unrelated day job that constantly creates art well do it...

I get pretty envious when people seeming can put out so much drawings too, of course mental stability is a factor too, sorry it's a tangent but i feel like i have to take a lifetime to be able to be consistent with art and just force myself through the "bad moods".

Have you seen the film: 'Florence Foster Jenkins'? She was a lady in the 1940's who had an enormous passion for singing and music but not quite the talent to match. I LOVED her passion though. She said to her pianist: 'We'd rather go without bread than Mozart, wouldn't we?' I can't say I'm that dedicated but I love the sentiment.

I have not, but that sounds like hell, i mean i believe a lot of things just takes practice but being publicly mocked for it... I can only imagine. I will check the film out tho, thanks for the recommendation.

some people are just privileged/talented from birth, and there is nothing fair in this crap. it's like perfect pitch in music - you either have it or you don't, and there is nothing you can do about it. i mean, some people can work really hard and still be underdogs, and privileged people need a lot less work to be successful in some area

Yeah, that's part of it too, i guess i find the comfort that i can still try at the moment. It's just hard to let go when at some point your self esteem pretty much tied up to how well you do this very specific thing hahah

 

[thereisthemist]

well.
"mist can be a quiet audience and appreciate your creations with huggies"

 

[releasespieces]

I don't like mixing the arts and business in general. I tried graphic design for a minute and quickly realized it wasn't for me. I failed to hold employment at all for a lot of my life and now I collect disability. Our competitive society crushes the essence of what makes art worth a shit. I say screw "art" if that's what is considered art. Free radical expression can't be tethered by the confines of capitalism. Smash the system and stuff like that.

 

[Bitterman1996]

I don't like mixing the arts and business in general. I tried graphic design for a minute and quickly realized it wasn't for me. I failed to hold employment at all for a lot of my life and now I collect disability. Our competitive society crushes the essence of what makes art worth a shit. I say screw "art" if that's what is considered art. Free radical expression can't be tethered by the confines of capitalism. Smash the system and stuff like that.

It really is soul-crushing, relentless capitalism in general, honestly reminded me of that clip about advancement in technology and workers getting screwed over instead of having higher quality of life. The recent "AI"/machine learning trend alongside massive tech companies doing lay offs just falls in line with that. Things going that way really feels like it's pointless to live. o(-(