Discussion Are you suicidal for internal or external reasons? (or both/neither/other)

[february in alaska]

I figure for most people it's a mix of the two, but it's always interesting to hear from people who are suicidal because of one thing in particular.

I'm realizing more and more that I'm the biggest problem in my own life. I don't hate existence as a concept, I think there are some pretty cool things about life, I've been lucky and I've had it objectively really good. But my brain is so beyond broken that I've just wasted all of it. The best thing in the world could happen me and I'd still find a way to ruin it or be miserable. It's like my head is just a big melting pot of mental illness, self hatred, and self awareness just so I can be fully aware of how fucked up I am too. So mostly I'd say I'm suicidal for internal reasons.

But I've also got external shit too, not so much in the sense that people are specifically hurting me or targeting me, but just because I'm so cynical about humanity and I see other people's suffering and on an existential level it all feels so meaningless. I've seen the absolute filth our species is capable of, the cruelty, the insufferable and endless frustration I have towards our culture and society. So even if I was happy with myself, none of that would be fixed, and I would probably still struggle with mental illness. Which straight up sucks to think about, because then it feels like I never even had a chance. (Which I probably didn't, lol)

That's a pretty lame answer but that's just how it feels to me

Anyway. It's always nice to hear other people feel the same, that I'm not totally alone or insane, but I'm also especially curious if anyone has a unique or super niche reason

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm suicidal for pretty much only external reasons. Mainly "money/liquidity issues".

For context: For most of the time I had a good life that I really wanted to live but a few years ago the project of a life time failed and my downward spiral started. I don't see any chance to recover only half of the life style I had and the things I didn't do yet are also completely out of reach - forget a wage-slave job, I don't have current skills, no wage-slave history and over 50% of an avg. human life span are behind me already. That's a death sentence.

Suicidal bc of existential crisis, I dread a future that is even worse than it is already now, no chance to ever recover in a way that would satisfy me. The follows are: depressive episodes and probably long term MH issues will develop. I better should prevent suffering long before it gets worse.

 

[Forever Sleep]

External mainly I would say. My creative job is my coping mechanism in life. It's too hard to sustain myself financially doing it and I don't want to live another way. So basically- my internal won't accept what externally is expected of me.

 

[アホペンギン]

both

 

[savoytruffle]

both, internally if i wrote anything it would basically be your post, im in the exact same boat, my brain is broken and ive got no future besides homeless. externally because of inescapable poverty that i can't do anything about. i had one chance to escape and i let it go. it's the end of the road

 

[sancsuinet]

internally i think. i think im just a little broken. and recently i got diagnosed with ptsd and that is really effecting me, so a little externally. but ive always been like this.

 

[dangero]

external
internal because external evil - it is the outside world that has contributed to the fact that I hate life and that I have no motivation to develop and I am depressed and have anxiety

I do not have any serious physical or mental illnesses. So I have no real internal reasons. I am unattractive, sensitive, shy, but I accept myself, others can't accept it so they are the ones hurting me, so it's external causes.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish to cease existing ultimately because I don't see existence as desirable at all, it's both really I will always prefer to eternally not exist no matter what. I see existence itself as the true problem and it only feels rational wishing for death to escape from all future unnecessary suffering.

So I want to die on my own terms to escape from the torment of being so harmfully imposed with the ability to exist as a conscious being in this cruel and futile existence that is destined to decay and die. I'm just not meant for existing as well, I find existing tiresome and it terrifies me how a human could potentially exist for so long. All that appeals to me is the peace of an eternal and dreamless sleep.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Both.

Internal because I loathe myself and I constantly feel empty inside.

External because I've only been a burden to those around and I've hurt a lot of people. I don't have any ambitions and I don't think my life is headed anywhere. I also don't want to die a horrible unexpected death either.

Death is inevitable, so I may as well get it over with early.

 

[Mistiie]

Internally only. I might be the odd one out of the bunch in that I don't really hate life. If anything, I love it. However, I don't love my life, because I am who I am. I don't suffer from anyone around me, nor the expectations placed on me, nor any social aspects like money or friendships or an education. All of that is fine, and I enjoy the entire aspect of it a lot. The only part of the equation I detest is the part with me in it. My body, my mind, my thoughts. Remove me from that spot and place someone else in it, and give me that 'experience', and I wouldn't be suicidal. At all. But leave me here where I am, rotting away in a good life, and I won't feel any better.

 

[february in alaska]

Internally only. I might be the odd one out of the bunch in that I don't really hate life. If anything, I love it. However, I don't love my life, because I am who I am. I don't suffer from anyone around me, nor the expectations placed on me, nor any social aspects like money or friendships or an education. All of that is fine, and I enjoy the entire aspect of it a lot. The only part of the equation I detest is the part with me in it. My body, my mind, my thoughts. Remove me from that spot and place someone else in it, and give me that 'experience', and I wouldn't be suicidal. At all. But leave me here where I am, rotting away in a good life, and I won't feel any better.

This is painfully relatable to me, I definitely understand this feeling. It would be so nice to be able to enjoy life from a distance, not being a "part" of it but just observing. It's hard to live life when you hate yourself, because you're the only person you're always going to have to deal with. Shit's hard

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Both. Internal because of my shitty neurotype. External because all suffering, no matter how big or small, hurts so much to where I want to kill myself. Also, the state of the world is shitty and life itself is shitty

 

[Kundalini Guy]

Internal reasons to the max but no longer suicidal

 

[melancholia_melodia]

Both for me

I am emotionally unstable so i've been lonely for a long time. I feel unloved and misunderstood by everyone around me and no one has ever given me the chance to express myself to them. They either treat me harshly or ignore me. I feel very tired and depressed 'cus of this

Living is so hard...

 

[Blurry_Buildings]

I guess it depends on how internal vs external is defined. Since many more people have had worse predicaments than me and did something with their lives I would say internal. There were things outside of my control, but I did this to myself.

 

[F@#$]

I'm not Sure. I hate myself and everyone else.

 

[ctvunny]

I guess it was external at first, but then as I grew up it results to me having internal reasons. Still I think my external reasons holds more weight. Maybe Im just making excuses to blame it on other people(fam)? Idk. Even if that was fixed, Im not sure if my mind would do the same now.

 

[Abyssal]

Solely internal. I am the problem.

 

[mysadstuff]

External my time on this planet recently has been fucking terrifying, gut wrenching and it makes me want to throw up every day

 

[tunnelV]

Bad environment ensured that I have had a horrible internal outcome.

 

[GlutenFreeCat]

Mostly internal reasons. I've had some trauma in my childhood I can't quite work through but really I feel like I was born with a defective brain. Just can't seem to get out of my own way

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

It's mostly external but part of it is internal too.

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

Internal. I'm pretty healthy as far as physical health is concerned with a slight exception that I just never got fixed due to the cost of surgery.

My definition is internal being anything mentally related and external is physical. It might be a different answer based on the difference definitions though.

 

[Bad-luck]

Its both. Internally, I never really fitted in throughout in high school and my personal life sucked a lot. Externally, I have a hearing loss so I have hearing aids. People bullied me because of that.

 

[yaxleyblue]

I figure for most people it's a mix of the two, but it's always interesting to hear from people who are suicidal because of one thing in particular.

I'm realizing more and more that I'm the biggest problem in my own life. I don't hate existence as a concept, I think there are some pretty cool things about life, I've been lucky and I've had it objectively really good. But my brain is so beyond broken that I've just wasted all of it. The best thing in the world could happen me and I'd still find a way to ruin it or be miserable. It's like my head is just a big melting pot of mental illness, self hatred, and self awareness just so I can be fully aware of how fucked up I am too. So mostly I'd say I'm suicidal for internal reasons.

But I've also got external shit too, not so much in the sense that people are specifically hurting me or targeting me, but just because I'm so cynical about humanity and I see other people's suffering and on an existential level it all feels so meaningless. I've seen the absolute filth our species is capable of, the cruelty, the insufferable and endless frustration I have towards our culture and society. So even if I was happy with myself, none of that would be fixed, and I would probably still struggle with mental illness. Which straight up sucks to think about, because then it feels like I never even had a chance. (Which I probably didn't, lol)

That's a pretty lame answer but that's just how it feels to me

Anyway. It's always nice to hear other people feel the same, that I'm not totally alone or insane, but I'm also especially curious if anyone has a unique or super niche reason

I'm suicidal because of the situation I face in future. My mum is unwell and in a great deal of pain. The medics have practically written her off as she has numerous non life threatening health conditions and she is in her late 70's. I'm now her sole carer, no other family to support us, i work full time and I'm mentally and physically exhausted. Medics don't seem to want to get to the bottom of what's causing her pain and all medication so far having no effect at all, so I'm suffering watching her suffering. Is if that isn't hard enough, when anything happens to her, our landlord (local authority) will evict me from our home of 40 years as, being single with no dependents, i will not be entitled to live in our house, so when i lose my only remaining family member, i will also lose the last thing i hold dear, my home. I have no future beyond what's left of this life of pain with mum and it's a dark cloud that is with me permanently, eating away at what soul i have left. I cannot ctb now as mum needs me to look after her, and she's been a great mum, i owe that to her, but when her time comes, i will do what i can to ensure i join her and then maybe we will both have peace.

I wish to cease existing ultimately because I don't see existence as desirable at all, it's both really I will always prefer to eternally not exist no matter what. I see existence itself as the true problem and it only feels rational wishing for death to escape from all future unnecessary suffering.

So I want to die on my own terms to escape from the torment of being so harmfully imposed with the ability to exist as a conscious being in this cruel and futile existence that is destined to decay and die. I'm just not meant for existing as well, I find existing tiresome and it terrifies me how a human could potentially exist for so long. All that appeals to me is the peace of an eternal and dreamless sleep.

I completely get what you're saying.

 

[Kit1]

Both. Right now I just want to be dead.

 

[numbed one]

Both .
Internal : schizophrénia.
External : i don't have a job.

 

[Heading to Darkness]

I'm suicidal for pretty much only external reasons. Mainly "money/liquidity issues".

For context: For most of the time I had a good life that I really wanted to live but a few years ago the project of a life time failed and my downward spiral started. I don't see any chance to recover only half of the life style I had and the things I didn't do yet are also completely out of reach - forget a wage-slave job, I don't have current skills, no wage-slave history and over 50% of an avg. human life span are behind me already. That's a death sentence.

Suicidal bc of existential crisis, I dread a future that is even worse than it is already now, no chance to ever recover in a way that would satisfy me. The follows are: depressive episodes and probably long term MH issues will develop. I better should prevent suffering long before it gets worse.

i get you there. people keep telling me things can only get better, but what do they really know? i know there is no future for me but could be different for you, i guess its different for everyone
Good luck wherever you go

 

[Seered Doom]

Am suicidal for mostly internal reasons, but also for some external as well. Usually, they're morbidly combined and stacked on top of each other, one after another. It's gross.

 

[delora]

I guess one could say it started externally. I grew up in an abusive household. But the catch is that I will never really know if I would've been a different person had the circumstances been different, so maybe I was broken from the start. I don't know if it matters anymore.

Now it's almost completely internal, and I relate so much to your original post. I'm painfully aware that many good things have happened to me in the past few years, and yet I keep wasting it away because my brain simply won't let me be. It's a lonely feeling, as people seem less likely to comprehend why I would even be struggling at this point if I "have everything". Being aware of this has caused me to resent myself for not appreciating such a comfortable life, which feeds into self-contempt. I'm an anxious mess and too exhausted to keep fighting it.

On a different note, the person I care about the most in this world had a significant health scare a while ago. We're still not free from its shadow, and that's the (external) reason why I am seriously researching methods again. Need it ready just in case.​