I recently had a conversation with a bipolar girl. She has issues with sanity and her illness deceives her very often. We both came to the conclusion that I am better at self-awareness. She is still pretty intelligent and a friendly person. I said to her my self-awareness does not give me a lot. I have still a very poor life quality. She said (I paraphrase it) she loves life and she thinks that life is too short. She said suicidal thoughts must be pretty bad. I replied I don't think the suicidal thoughts are the bad thing. It is rather the circumstances that lead to my suicidality. She asked me are you still able to have fun?
It gets pretty difficult. My answer rather refered to unhappiness. Because I am currently extremely unhappy. College makes me fragile as fuck, I barely can cope with the pressure and I am extremely anxious to relapse. My psychiatrist recommended me to increase the dosage of the addictive medication. Well I am also extremely scared about addiction.
Here is a longer more differentiated answer whether I am able to "have fun". It is pretty hard to answer. I think I am suffering daily and I have so many conditions which make my life a living hell. My anxiety is killing me. My OCD rules over me and takes every inch of happiness. There are sometimes moments where I feel happiness. When I have vacation and spend time with my friends. However I think I like this so much primarily because I can pay them something back for supporting me so much. There is a huge imbalance between joy and pain in my life.
I think I can enjoy my hobbies. For someone with so many mental illlness that is not self-evident. I like playing video games, listening to news and politics articles and communicating with my friends. However I think my sorrows overwhelm me daily. I struggle severely with ruminating. And I think many people would have killed themselves already in my position. I am fighting against that but it demands so much discipline. Sometimes I don't care about feeling bad. Or I see the higher purpose of being disciplined striving to reach my goals. I try to motivate me intrinsically. For example with ethical principles, an underlying philosophical approach and believing in higher values. I think a lot of that is probably also a result of abuse and pathologies. My worshipping of education and intelligence is a little bit pathetic when I am not even that good in these two areas. I don't know i just do what makes me survive the next day.
I think I never was a hedonist. In fact I am not sure when I am more of a hedonist during mania or during depression. The usual answer would be mania. Though I am extremely eager during mania. I could do a lot which could lift my mood shortterm but I have always my longterm goals in my mind. I am usually kind of a person that lives for the future. But this can backfire if one has no future or any prospects of having a good life.
I think my strong discipline for example concerning food results in a worse life quality. I am just an extremely disciplined person. I demand a lot of myself. This can result in a high pressure. But I think a lot of that is pathological and I cannot really influence that much. I still like the food I eat. One reason why I will kill myself is the lack of money. I think poverty will be lethal for me. My life quality is already very bad. Without money or the support of my parents I won't survive that long.
My conclusion: to a certain extent I can have fun. But often only in very small dosages. Focusing on shortterm pleasures can lead to bad consequences. I need to follow my daily routines to stay stable. I have implemented some fun elements in order to stay stable. But in general my anxiety and OCD ruins a lot of it.
It gets pretty difficult. My answer rather refered to unhappiness. Because I am currently extremely unhappy. College makes me fragile as fuck, I barely can cope with the pressure and I am extremely anxious to relapse. My psychiatrist recommended me to increase the dosage of the addictive medication. Well I am also extremely scared about addiction.
Here is a longer more differentiated answer whether I am able to "have fun". It is pretty hard to answer. I think I am suffering daily and I have so many conditions which make my life a living hell. My anxiety is killing me. My OCD rules over me and takes every inch of happiness. There are sometimes moments where I feel happiness. When I have vacation and spend time with my friends. However I think I like this so much primarily because I can pay them something back for supporting me so much. There is a huge imbalance between joy and pain in my life.
I think I can enjoy my hobbies. For someone with so many mental illlness that is not self-evident. I like playing video games, listening to news and politics articles and communicating with my friends. However I think my sorrows overwhelm me daily. I struggle severely with ruminating. And I think many people would have killed themselves already in my position. I am fighting against that but it demands so much discipline. Sometimes I don't care about feeling bad. Or I see the higher purpose of being disciplined striving to reach my goals. I try to motivate me intrinsically. For example with ethical principles, an underlying philosophical approach and believing in higher values. I think a lot of that is probably also a result of abuse and pathologies. My worshipping of education and intelligence is a little bit pathetic when I am not even that good in these two areas. I don't know i just do what makes me survive the next day.
I think I never was a hedonist. In fact I am not sure when I am more of a hedonist during mania or during depression. The usual answer would be mania. Though I am extremely eager during mania. I could do a lot which could lift my mood shortterm but I have always my longterm goals in my mind. I am usually kind of a person that lives for the future. But this can backfire if one has no future or any prospects of having a good life.
I think my strong discipline for example concerning food results in a worse life quality. I am just an extremely disciplined person. I demand a lot of myself. This can result in a high pressure. But I think a lot of that is pathological and I cannot really influence that much. I still like the food I eat. One reason why I will kill myself is the lack of money. I think poverty will be lethal for me. My life quality is already very bad. Without money or the support of my parents I won't survive that long.
My conclusion: to a certain extent I can have fun. But often only in very small dosages. Focusing on shortterm pleasures can lead to bad consequences. I need to follow my daily routines to stay stable. I have implemented some fun elements in order to stay stable. But in general my anxiety and OCD ruins a lot of it.
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