Soon there will be the second anniversary of my almost suicide attempt. One friend called the police on me before I could take SN, the clinic stay was a nightmare.
Dating made me acute suicidal combined with extreme suffering in general and a benzo withdrawal.
Recently I had a new experience with a woman. And I have to say I have never met a woman that messed up. There were things that were extremely stunning and shocking. It left me sort of speechless. But I cut ties. And I think this was the right thing. I think it would have become more sexual. I had the feeling she wasn't fully sane and honestly this would have felt like exploitation of someone vulnerable. Moreover, she had some bacteria that could have been contagious. She never went to a doctor for finding out what exactly it was....I could go on and on. And I am still fucking stunned.
I am not sure whether I would have ties immediately two years ago. I had some sexual experiences in the meantime with a woman. In a similar pattern. Crazy but not as extreme crazy as the woman recently.
I have the feeling I have become a lot more cynical about dating. More precisely online dating. To a certain extent dating in general. I think I have learned some lessons.
In dating chatGPT helps me a lot. Even though I think it played too much the devil's advocate for this woman. WIth my friends I was more explicit about details. And they both highly emphasized not cutting ties this would end pretty badly. I think chatGPT was trained not to say anything judgemental on this woman. It was more diplomatic and the advice was really really bad.
I am using more AI chatbots compared to 2024. A lot more. I am not sure whether they really became that much better. But I noticed a clear difference in quality when paying for it. I think using AI chatbots makes me more dysfunctional. But I already was extremely dysfunctional beforehand. Usually I outsourced some tasks and questions to friends. Now I am outsourcing it to chatGPT.
I think it is now easier for my friends who were overwhelmed.
I think my life quality has increased compared to 2 years ago. The primary reason was probably extreme overstimulation at the university combined with a benzo withdrawal to that time. This made me really acute suicidal. My life quality is still pretty low. But at least I am not acute suicidal anymore. College time was really really extreme.
You know my whole life consists of accumulating information. I read close to 20-30 newspaper articles a day, then a few articles from journals/essays and many Youtube videos. Mostly about politics sometimes about philosophy. Sometimes I also watch lectures about these topics. (off-topic I lost the interest in my newest lecture analytic phiosophy).
I am not sure whether I get smarter though. And I am also not exactly sure what this means. I think my posts on here neither became significatly better nor more creative. But posting better quality on here also isn't my main goal. I like stream of consciousness texts. If I had the goal to post high quality on here this would trigger perfectionism and OCD behavior. Posting on here is a coping skill. I considered to write high quality content somewhete else. But structuring and revising the content is so draining. It felt like work. Writing wasn't a valve anymore it was a project I had to dedicate my life for. And for me this never ends healthy. I tend to extreme behavior and maybe my post count on here proves that.
I read so much. But I am not sure whether I get smarter. I think I have become more self-aware about some beliefs, cognitive biases and thinking fallacies I clinged to for a long time. And I am very obsessive about introspection and self-awareness. But it is also a rabbit hole that can be toxic. In a small dosage talking with chatbot about my mind can be beneficial if it takes hours it has really negative impact on my mental health.
I think I have become less academic within these two years. In college I had to read more science articles. I watched more lectures. Had more knowledge about statistics, quantitative and qualitative methods. And I had to leave my comfort zone. And this made me crippling depressed and an even more crippling mental wreck. That was easy to deceive by other people. For example the woman who made me acute sucicdal by rejecting me. But I wasn't aware how she played and manipulated me. I also have not become in writing essays but AI chatbots are also not good teacher. I think listening to their advices would have a negative impact on my writing skills in general.
I think my thoughts are wandering around. To be fair with chatGPT I have learned about the German magazine Merkur. The writers are often researchers and their essays are damn good. I really get envious reading these texts. I think I have to quit trying to be as efficient as possible in accumulating new information. Being able to navigate in the media sphere and attention economy is also important. I have the bias to talk way too positive about science. I think the reason is I don't know as much about science. Lol. I was close to getting my bachelor degree but honestly I would have killed myself if I didn't leave college. I think one thing I like about the Merkur essays. Some of their essays are really good at maintaining ambivalence. Sometimes the conclusion have to be made under conditions of ambiguity and uncertainty. Maybe the goal behind reading every new article should be finding something new about the world. And then walking away with now I am know how things are going in this world. Sometimes a good essay has to confuse you, induce a feeling of unease and leave you more puzzled that before. Not in every instance of course. There is one thing sometimes you need to read something really complicated that goes over your current academic level to strive for more. And reading such articles should not be done under the law of effiiciency. I have the habit to lecture people. And when I I feel like I have a new insight about me or the world that I can share this is like a dopamine boost. Similar to getting notifications on my phone when major news happen. But dealing with uncertainty and ambiguity even if you think you have very good argument for being convinced of something that's more interesting. That also applies to predictions. I tend to theory overfitting in my brain. Especially when I think about the minds of other people. I can hypothesize extremely nuanced interpreations of the thoughts of someone else and in generally their inner state. The more details I tell myself the more convicing does it sound. But often more rumination only reinforces my own beliefs without having proof for it. Often in life we have to live with open endings and have to move onö. And for me this can be incredibly hard. Especially when I am in a mode of hyperfixation. But I am working on myself.
I think I will end it here.
Dating made me acute suicidal combined with extreme suffering in general and a benzo withdrawal.
Recently I had a new experience with a woman. And I have to say I have never met a woman that messed up. There were things that were extremely stunning and shocking. It left me sort of speechless. But I cut ties. And I think this was the right thing. I think it would have become more sexual. I had the feeling she wasn't fully sane and honestly this would have felt like exploitation of someone vulnerable. Moreover, she had some bacteria that could have been contagious. She never went to a doctor for finding out what exactly it was....I could go on and on. And I am still fucking stunned.
I am not sure whether I would have ties immediately two years ago. I had some sexual experiences in the meantime with a woman. In a similar pattern. Crazy but not as extreme crazy as the woman recently.
I have the feeling I have become a lot more cynical about dating. More precisely online dating. To a certain extent dating in general. I think I have learned some lessons.
In dating chatGPT helps me a lot. Even though I think it played too much the devil's advocate for this woman. WIth my friends I was more explicit about details. And they both highly emphasized not cutting ties this would end pretty badly. I think chatGPT was trained not to say anything judgemental on this woman. It was more diplomatic and the advice was really really bad.
I am using more AI chatbots compared to 2024. A lot more. I am not sure whether they really became that much better. But I noticed a clear difference in quality when paying for it. I think using AI chatbots makes me more dysfunctional. But I already was extremely dysfunctional beforehand. Usually I outsourced some tasks and questions to friends. Now I am outsourcing it to chatGPT.
I think it is now easier for my friends who were overwhelmed.
I think my life quality has increased compared to 2 years ago. The primary reason was probably extreme overstimulation at the university combined with a benzo withdrawal to that time. This made me really acute suicidal. My life quality is still pretty low. But at least I am not acute suicidal anymore. College time was really really extreme.
You know my whole life consists of accumulating information. I read close to 20-30 newspaper articles a day, then a few articles from journals/essays and many Youtube videos. Mostly about politics sometimes about philosophy. Sometimes I also watch lectures about these topics. (off-topic I lost the interest in my newest lecture analytic phiosophy).
I am not sure whether I get smarter though. And I am also not exactly sure what this means. I think my posts on here neither became significatly better nor more creative. But posting better quality on here also isn't my main goal. I like stream of consciousness texts. If I had the goal to post high quality on here this would trigger perfectionism and OCD behavior. Posting on here is a coping skill. I considered to write high quality content somewhete else. But structuring and revising the content is so draining. It felt like work. Writing wasn't a valve anymore it was a project I had to dedicate my life for. And for me this never ends healthy. I tend to extreme behavior and maybe my post count on here proves that.
I read so much. But I am not sure whether I get smarter. I think I have become more self-aware about some beliefs, cognitive biases and thinking fallacies I clinged to for a long time. And I am very obsessive about introspection and self-awareness. But it is also a rabbit hole that can be toxic. In a small dosage talking with chatbot about my mind can be beneficial if it takes hours it has really negative impact on my mental health.
I think I have become less academic within these two years. In college I had to read more science articles. I watched more lectures. Had more knowledge about statistics, quantitative and qualitative methods. And I had to leave my comfort zone. And this made me crippling depressed and an even more crippling mental wreck. That was easy to deceive by other people. For example the woman who made me acute sucicdal by rejecting me. But I wasn't aware how she played and manipulated me. I also have not become in writing essays but AI chatbots are also not good teacher. I think listening to their advices would have a negative impact on my writing skills in general.
I think my thoughts are wandering around. To be fair with chatGPT I have learned about the German magazine Merkur. The writers are often researchers and their essays are damn good. I really get envious reading these texts. I think I have to quit trying to be as efficient as possible in accumulating new information. Being able to navigate in the media sphere and attention economy is also important. I have the bias to talk way too positive about science. I think the reason is I don't know as much about science. Lol. I was close to getting my bachelor degree but honestly I would have killed myself if I didn't leave college. I think one thing I like about the Merkur essays. Some of their essays are really good at maintaining ambivalence. Sometimes the conclusion have to be made under conditions of ambiguity and uncertainty. Maybe the goal behind reading every new article should be finding something new about the world. And then walking away with now I am know how things are going in this world. Sometimes a good essay has to confuse you, induce a feeling of unease and leave you more puzzled that before. Not in every instance of course. There is one thing sometimes you need to read something really complicated that goes over your current academic level to strive for more. And reading such articles should not be done under the law of effiiciency. I have the habit to lecture people. And when I I feel like I have a new insight about me or the world that I can share this is like a dopamine boost. Similar to getting notifications on my phone when major news happen. But dealing with uncertainty and ambiguity even if you think you have very good argument for being convinced of something that's more interesting. That also applies to predictions. I tend to theory overfitting in my brain. Especially when I think about the minds of other people. I can hypothesize extremely nuanced interpreations of the thoughts of someone else and in generally their inner state. The more details I tell myself the more convicing does it sound. But often more rumination only reinforces my own beliefs without having proof for it. Often in life we have to live with open endings and have to move onö. And for me this can be incredibly hard. Especially when I am in a mode of hyperfixation. But I am working on myself.
I think I will end it here.
