I'm in peace with the idea of dying (By any cause, including suicide, sure). Before I was worried about hurting my family, contributing to the social stigma that a lot of transgender people kill themselves and also contributing to the myth of the disturbed artist (In my case, I'm an unpublished writer). But recently, I'm in a "Whatever" mood. I live until the world become unbearable to me. I don' t care if I didn't find a long lasting boyfriend or husband (I dreamed about have an at least 1 year long relationship, as no one of my relationships achieved that time), I don't care anymore if I'll get recognition for my published works, I don't care if I could be an admirable trans woman and trans rights activist. Seriously, I'm trying to enjoy the little pleasures until it was so awful to keep me inside in this world. Yes, a lot of people can take my death by suicide as a tragedy, or perhaps the life surprises me and I'll die in an ecological apocalypse or by apendicitis, I don't know, whatever.
I'm calling myself an "peaceful nihilist" because I'm aware of all the life bullshit who are suffering as humans, I'm aware that the civilitation has little or no hope at all, I'm aware that the positive chit-chat of that stupid coaches are worthless. I'm peaceful with my skepticism of wait a better world to me, or to my nephews and nieces (Perhaps they can live in a better conditions than me). Well... I don't feel any guilty of being that way. Oh, let's clarify: I'm not crying or in rage all the time for that. I'm not skip the basic hygiene or being alcohoic because my nihilism. No, it's only a practic way to handle the horror of the existence. Also, I'm not cynical or self loathing, besides, the landlady often called me "an angel' for my peaceful, compassive way of living. So, whatever.