Discussion Are you afraid your feelings for wanting to CTB are dumb? How do you cope?

[toxicjester]

I dunno if this is maybe a silly question but it's something that goes on in my head and I wanted to see what other people thought.

It's no secret that I want to CTB. My autism and inability to cope and emotionally regulate being one of them. Then there's also my relationship. It goes between being that being in the relationship gets overwhelming and then feeling like I have nothing except this relationship and the whiplash between these thoughts is exhausting by itself. I have dreams of wanting to be a seal carer but feel like there's no way I could start on that since I dropped out of college first year. My family feels far away at best. And then my "brain stuff" of feeling like this is overall the wrong timeline and the doomed one at that.

But it all feels, stupid?

My mom would always tell me "ponte las pillas"(basically equivalent to "light a fire under your ass) and it feels like if I talked to anyone extensively about this that's what I'd get back. That I'm just not trying hard enough. Even my gf tells me that when I can't adequately take care of her.

I have no way of coping. I just keep trying to live atm because I have no supplies to ctb, or even the strength or courage if I did. I just want to see what others do with these feelings. How do you know that what you're feeling is "okay"? (as okay as it can be, it feels weird to say like "valid" or whatever)

I feel like I also need to put a note that says that I don't think anyone else has reasons that are dumb, I'm really sorry if it comes off that way! Just me personally and my situation it feels like I could just fix my shit? I dunno

 

[TheHolySword]

I used to but I stopped caring. Life isn't a suffering olympics. Someone may have it worse but that doesn't mean you're suddenly capable of what you're going through. Your reasons are your own, everyone should have the right to die, regardless of reason.

 

[toxicjester]

I used to but I stopped caring. Life isn't a suffering olympics. Someone may have it worse but that doesn't mean you're suddenly capable of what you're going through. Your reasons are your own, everyone should have the right to die, regardless of reason.

Yea I think that's the thing that a lot of people who aren't suicidal don't realize. The fact that you don't have to be the person with the worst life to want to not live. Maybe I have that internalized a little. I just keep wanting things to work out but yo no sé

 

[Prism]

Sometimes when I'm feeling anxious yeah, but usually I'm just too depressed to care if my reasons are "dumb" or not. Besides, I can't control the way they make me feel, so there's no sense in beating myself up over it. It's not like anyone would choose to feel this way, after all.

Being a seal carer is an awesome dream btw

 

[toxicjester]

Sometimes when I'm feeling anxious yeah, but usually I'm just too depressed to care if my reasons are "dumb" or not. Besides, I can't control the way they make me feel, so there's no sense in beating myself up over it. It's not like anyone would choose to feel this way, after all.

Being a seal carer is an awesome dream btw

That's fair. I've just spent my whole life hating myself and I guess even in my want to die I'll hate myself in that aspect too. Doesn't help that anytime I felt overwhelmed with anything my family would criticize me because it wasn't like a good reason or whatever the fuck

Thankies! I love seals more than anything I want to be reincarnated as a baby harp seal in my next life

 

[noidea1984]

My reason for wanting to CTB is I'm going to end up homeless in a couple months since I'm completely unable to get a job, so I might as well take the (mostly) peaceful way out while I can, instead of suffering on the streets for days to weeks on end. Every time I try to tell my friends this though, they will instantly tell me "please don't do it" while ignoring that I'M GOING TO DIE ANYWAYS. How hard is it for someone to understand I would rather peacefully pass in a few minutes than be in misery for who knows how long?

 

[toxicjester]

My reason for wanting to CTB is I'm going to end up homeless in a couple months since I'm completely unable to get a job, so I might as well take the (mostly) peaceful way out while I can, instead of suffering on the streets for days to weeks on end. Every time I try to tell my friends this though, they will instantly tell me "please don't do it" while ignoring that I'M GOING TO DIE ANYWAYS. How hard is it for someone to understand I would rather peacefully pass in a few minutes than be in misery for who knows how long?

Unfortunately in todays day in age people don't think about the suffering that someone can go through in the long run, they just hear "I want to kill myself" and they say "oh no! Dying bad! You have to do the good thing and live! :)" but it's so much more nuanced than that.

Sometimes death IS the better more comfortable thing. Sometimes it's acceptable, in terms of those that are terminal but otherwise people think that you can get out of anything and be better for it but that's not always the case :(

Im so sorry you have to suffer in this way and come to this conclusion. You're reasons are definitely understandable considering your circumstances. I hope peace comes to you in whatever way it needs to

 

[Forever Sleep]

From a CTB point of view, I don't think I ever felt my reasons were 'stupid' or, not enough. My life went to shit fairly early on so, I think that made me aware from then that life could be incredibly cruel and unfair so- it seemed reasonable to want out.

Where I share similarities with you is in actually living or rather, not properly living life. As in- I've let fear hold me back. Other people have clearly found my responses to life's challenges pathetic. Which, maybe in part has motivated me to try to hold my own. Which, I've partly done and partly failed at. I feel obliged enough to try not to fail entirely but my motivation is largely gone now.

I suppose in your situation, I think- rather than view your thoughts as dumb, I think it would be more helpful to work out what you do really want. There do seem to be 'life things' you're still wanting so- they do seem worth pursuing at least. Obvious question but- have you tried volunteering for seal rescue centres?

I've had similar conversations that- I needed a kick in the arse to motivate myself. Which, they're right about- of course. Nothing is likely to happen unless we make it happen. Still, if it's things like social anxiety holding you back. (Obviously, something is holding you back,) I can appreciate how difficult that is to face and get over. Sometimes, so much so that death seems more appealing.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Nah, I consider ctb to be the most logical thing that I can do. What would be dumb for me to do is to continue on living this life and perpetually be at the risk of extreme torture and suffering. Even if I weren't going to get such an extreme torture, I have to fucking die anyway so why should I prolong it? I never get a good answer to that and I honestly don't even think that there is an answer for that as people just sprout out pro life bullshit instead.

 

[toxicjester]

From a CTB point of view, I don't think I ever felt my reasons were 'stupid' or, not enough. My life went to shit fairly early on so, I think that made me aware from then that life could be incredibly cruel and unfair so- it seemed reasonable to want out.

Where I share similarities with you is in actually living or rather, not properly living life. As in- I've let fear hold me back. Other people have clearly found my responses to life's challenges pathetic. Which, maybe in part has motivated me to try to hold my own. Which, I've partly done and partly failed at. I feel obliged enough to try not to fail entirely but my motivation is largely gone now.

I suppose in your situation, I think- rather than view your thoughts as dumb, I think it would be more helpful to work out what you do really want. There do seem to be 'life things' you're still wanting so- they do seem worth pursuing at least. Obvious question but- have you tried volunteering for seal rescue centres?

I've had similar conversations that- I needed a kick in the arse to motivate myself. Which, they're right about- of course. Nothing is likely to happen unless we make it happen. Still, if it's things like social anxiety holding you back. (Obviously, something is holding you back,) I can appreciate how difficult that is to face and get over. Sometimes, so much so that death seems more appealing.

Im sorry shit sucked from the get go :( my anxiety manifested in elementary school with my depression and suicidal thoughts happening early middle school so I can understand that much at least.

And I feel that, i know in my teenage years I kinda had to live out of spite. Wanting to prove people wrong and show that my life could be cool. Especially wanting to show my mom that I could do the shit I wanted. Since then though my motivation and energy has depleted crazy :( I'm sorry it's the same for you

Yea I've always just wanted to work things out y'know? But the marker keeps changing for what that means. Like before it's was "once I move out/go to college/have a partner my life will be cool!" And all of that happened and it sucks :( I feel like before I could envision my future but now when I try to do it I just see my relationship and maybe even me dead :(. And the closest place that has seals (which is just a zoo) is 3 hours away in another state and even if there was one close I don't have the time for volunteering since I have tow jobs now

I'm not so sure it's social anxiety, maybe more general anxiety and the creeping feeling that this is all wrong and I need to start over and the only way to do that is to kill myself. It just feels like so much and I'm so overwhelmed :,(

Nah, I consider ctb to be the most logical thing that I can do. What would be dumb for me to do is to continue on living this life and perpetually be at the risk of extreme torture and suffering. Even if I weren't going to get such an extreme torture, I have to fucking die anyway so why should I prolong it? I never get a good answer to that and I honestly don't even think that there is an answer for that as people just sprout out pro life bullshit instead.

I can understand this. Sometimes I wish I could ctb so that way I wouldn't have to face the consequences of my life, especially if I'm gonna just ctb anyways.

I think one of my big things is that I less hate life and more hate myself so much more. It's funny how my self hatred gets in the way of my life and my death. Maybe I should take care of my self esteem more, if anything else than to see what I really want to do.

 

[banger12]

I've been suicidal for a variety of reasons, some of which changed over time, since I was 15. I think the moment where in hindsight it feels tge dumbest is when I let, out of all the things, the end of a long distance internet relationship, be the final straw that pushed me over the edge. I was 17. I'm 22 now. In hindsight that one feels really dumb I kinda knew the girl and had been friends with her prior but again not IRL and the actual relationship hardly lasted that long at all. It feels stupid and embarassing that let it fuck with me that bad and that I cared so much at all, especially that nowadays I have much worse problems and more serious reasons to kill myself.

Nah, I consider ctb to be the most logical thing that I can do. What would be dumb for me to do is to continue on living this life and perpetually be at the risk of extreme torture and suffering. Even if I weren't going to get such an extreme torture, I have to fucking die anyway so why should I prolong it? I never get a good answer to that and I honestly don't even think that there is an answer for that as people just sprout out pro life bullshit instead.

I always find it ridiculous when detractors try to cast suicide as "illogical". Maybe for some people it is. But honestly it's wild to think that these people can truly delude themselves into thinking that everyone who wants to die is out of it or otherwise has come to that decision lightly. No, actually most of us understand the weight of the choice. I love your comment and thank you for emphasizing it can be logical.

 

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

I don't really have much of a will to live anymore and just kinda go through the motions at this point so for me, sometimes things that seem relatively little will just set me off and from an outside perspective it may perhaps come off as me overreacting but these feelings have been marinating for almost a decade now tbh. I don't really care what anyone thinks, the prospect of finally being released from all of this is infinitely more preferable to watching myself gradually go insane trying to keep up with the many demands of a life I never wanted in the first place.

 

[loneloser]

The thought comes into mind sometimes but I remember that it's the one of the same arguments that some pro-lifers in my life use.

"Well there's this kid in Africa who lived through wars and famine but look he's not depressed! He doesn't want to kill himself! So why should you?"- Dumb Fuck, circa whenever

That sort of sentiment just serves to invalidate people's entire reasoning of wanting to CTB or being depressed. It gives people a sort of 'impostor syndrome' (idk if I'm using this term correctly but who gives a shit) on if they're even depressed or allowed/should be depressed. Or at least that's what it did for me.

Like someone else said above, life isn't to see who can suffer more and to compare sufferings with each other. It's your individual suffering that matters. Of course, that's not to say that the world isn't a fucked up, horrible place, full of war, famine, and evil people. But yeah.

I think my feelings for wanting to CTB are justified, mostly. Sometimes I doubt it and feel that I deserve to suffer forever but I quickly shut it down.

 

[Kyotospade]

At one point you stop caring , you give up on yourself and you get more and more ready for the end

 

[shrizoid]

I dunno if this is maybe a silly question but it's something that goes on in my head and I wanted to see what other people thought.

It's no secret that I want to CTB. My autism and inability to cope and emotionally regulate being one of them. Then there's also my relationship. It goes between being that being in the relationship gets overwhelming and then feeling like I have nothing except this relationship and the whiplash between these thoughts is exhausting by itself. I have dreams of wanting to be a seal carer but feel like there's no way I could start on that since I dropped out of college first year. My family feels far away at best. And then my "brain stuff" of feeling like this is overall the wrong timeline and the doomed one at that.

But it all feels, stupid?

My mom would always tell me "ponte las pillas"(basically equivalent to "light a fire under your ass) and it feels like if I talked to anyone extensively about this that's what I'd get back. That I'm just not trying hard enough. Even my gf tells me that when I can't adequately take care of her.

I have no way of coping. I just keep trying to live atm because I have no supplies to ctb, or even the strength or courage if I did. I just want to see what others do with these feelings. How do you know that what you're feeling is "okay"? (as okay as it can be, it feels weird to say like "valid" or whatever)

I feel like I also need to put a note that says that I don't think anyone else has reasons that are dumb, I'm really sorry if it comes off that way! Just me personally and my situation it feels like I could just fix my shit? I dunno

I know for a fact my reasons for wanting death is dumb, I cope by simply not caring about that at all though, so what if its dumb, if its what you feel, it is what it is.
Different people handle things on different levels

 

[Promised Heaven]

My reason is dumb, but if that "dumb" brought genuine and prolonged suffering, it it dumb?

People around me would percieve it as such, but me? I've been hurting.