Venting Are there types of suicidality?

[FreeGiven]

I'm not depressed, I've been to multiple therapists and other psychologists who have deemed me not depressed, I don't feel depressed, so on and so forth. But I constantly think about dying, wanting to die, killing myself, and killing others. Impulsive thoughts of violence on myself and others are a constant baseline of my existence. And they're not just impulsive but I also truly wish to end myself and there's no shortage of times I wish to kill many others. I'm not depressed. I'm fucking psychotic, or something. I still want to CTB on the daily. I can't relate to any suicidal or formerly suicidal person I've ever met, cause I'm not sad or downbeat, or anything like that.