Apologies.

[NitriteAnatomy]

I truly am sorry if I've not helped matters for any, tonight. Yes, I've said it so many times, but I'm drunk. It's one of the few freaking times I feel I can chat without having a nervous breakdown, really. I guess what's making my drive so strong, tonight, in regards to chatting and attempting to help others is the fact that I missed out on saying goodbye. There are at least 3 to 4 members that are now gone and due to food poisoning, I was absent to say my goodbyes.

I don't give a hoot if it's immature or pointless to dwell on, but it bothers ME. At least 2 of them, I'd spoken to, several times and I just feel like I abandoned them when they needed the support most. I don't like the feeling, to be blunt. It just makes me feel as stupid and useless as I've always been told I am.

It means I failed them. I failed myself. I have always believed that if you make a promise, you try to keep it no matter what. And I fucking failed. I couldn't help my son, I can't help anyone in real life and I fucking failed here. So I apologize for it all, no matter if it falls on deaf ears. No matter if it comes off as retarded, drunken ramble. I don't mean to be what I am, I don't mean to be ineffective, I don't mean to be.......well, ME.

Whatever, I guess. This will fall on both sympathetic ears and on those that will want to troll me, because it makes them feel better. What. The. Fuck. Ever. I said my piece, even if it doesn't mean much now.
I'd say maybe it's better I remove myself and my account from here.....but I know Stan would kick my ass for giving up so easily. Sure, I knew him far less than most of you, but I know he'd do it, just from our chat we had, before.....before our worlds became darker than they already were, when he left. I don't fucking know, anymore.

 

[BPD_LE]

Drunken Numpty! ❤ Don't apologise. Alcohol is God. I'm sorry you feel you've let people down by not saying goodbye. I understand due to a real life situation. Keeping the persons memory alive helps, and I'm sure these people knew you cared. You can't change the circumstances, but you can change your thoughts. Don't let your memories of these people be blighted by regret and self blame. They wouldn't want that.

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

Drunken Numpty! ❤ Don't apologise. Alcohol is God. I'm sorry you feel you've let people down by not saying goodbye. I understand due to a real life situation. Keeping the persons memory alive helps, and I'm sure these people knew you cared. You can't change the circumstances, but you can change your thoughts. Don't let your memories of these people be blighted by regret and self blame. They wouldn't want that.

Damn it. Making a grown man cry isn't right. I know what you say is true, but I'm the type that beats myself up. I've been told and led to believe I'm a problem so much and for so long, that I can't help but continue to beat myself up when it comes to these things. For so long, everything was my fault, that it's now habit for me to blame myself.

Regardless, thank you, this means more than I'd ever be able to express.

 

[BPD_LE]

Damn it. Making a grown man cry isn't right. I know what you say is true, but I'm the type that beats myself up. I've been told and led to believe I'm a problem so much and for so long, that I can't help but continue to beat myself up when it comes to these things. For so long, everything was my fault, that it's now habit for me to blame myself.

Regardless, thank you, this means more than I'd ever be able to express.

I understand, I'm the same. You still need to hear it though ❤

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

I understand, I'm the same. You still need to hear it though ❤

For whatever it's worth, thank you, seriously. I'm an absolute wreck right now, but have been trying to be a light for others, even if I can't be one for myself. Sometimes, life is bigger and I just can't cope. No matter how weak it makes me, that's just me. May be what fucked my marriage and allowed others to get me to this state, but I won't change it, because I can't.

Still hurts, which I know it will regardless. I do hope they found their peace and all I can wish for, is to meet them in wtf ever is beyond this shithole we call life. I just hope they are keeping each other, and my son company.

 

[ValideSultana]

I truly am sorry if I've not helped matters for any, tonight. Yes, I've said it so many times, but I'm drunk. It's one of the few freaking times I feel I can chat without having a nervous breakdown, really. I guess what's making my drive so strong, tonight, in regards to chatting and attempting to help others is the fact that I missed out on saying goodbye. There are at least 3 to 4 members that are now gone and due to food poisoning, I was absent to say my goodbyes.

I don't give a hoot if it's immature or pointless to dwell on, but it bothers ME. At least 2 of them, I'd spoken to, several times and I just feel like I abandoned them when they needed the support most. I don't like the feeling, to be blunt. It just makes me feel as stupid and useless as I've always been told I am.

It means I failed them. I failed myself. I have always believed that if you make a promise, you try to keep it no matter what. And I fucking failed. I couldn't help my son, I can't help anyone in real life and I fucking failed here. So I apologize for it all, no matter if it falls on deaf ears. No matter if it comes off as retarded, drunken ramble. I don't mean to be what I am, I don't mean to be ineffective, I don't mean to be.......well, ME.

Whatever, I guess. This will fall on both sympathetic ears and on those that will want to troll me, because it makes them feel better. What. The. Fuck. Ever. I said my piece, even if it doesn't mean much now.
I'd say maybe it's better I remove myself and my account from here.....but I know Stan would kick my ass for giving up so easily. Sure, I knew him far less than most of you, but I know he'd do it, just from our chat we had, before.....before our worlds became darker than they already were, when he left. I don't fucking know, anymore.

Ahhhh, you poor love! You silly beggar! Ain't nothing wrong with getting a drunk on. We all have to relax somehow. Listen, my friend. I lost my best friend to suicide when I was 18. He blew his head off with a gun. I saw him the day before, and he was (seemed) fine. I lost another friend to suicide when I was 31. He suffered from PTSD after serving in the military. I lost my cousin to suicide when I was 34. She hanged herself. All these people I knew very well, and I loved very much. I didn't stop their suicide though, I didn't even know about them until a day after. Do I blame myself? Fuck yes, I do. But at the same time, I know that if in that moment you succeed, there ain't nothing ANYONE can do to stop you. Try not to be too hard on yourself, please.

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

Ahhhh, you poor love! You silly beggar! Ain't nothing wrong with getting a drunk on. We all have to relax somehow. Listen, my friend. I lost my best friend to suicide when I was 18. He blew his head off with a gun. I saw him the day before, and he was (seemed) fine. I lost another friend to suicide when I was 31. He suffered from PTSD after serving in the military. I lost my cousin to suicide when I was 34. She hanged herself. All these people I knew very well, and I loved very much. I didn't stop their suicide though, I didn't even know about them until a day after. Do I blame myself? Fuck yes, I do. But at the same time, I know that if in that moment you succeed, there ain't nothing ANYONE can do to stop you. Try not to be too hard on yourself, please.

Ex-military, myself, so that portion I definitely can relate with to a good extent. Either way, thank you, like said before, this is what I've been led to believe and it's very hard to break a habit such as this and sadly, I feel guilty for the attention, now. I know there are others that can use it far more than myself. Gah, this fucked up cycle we all must experience, why did it ever have to come to this, for any of us.

Regardless of it all, thank you. And I am truly sorry they felt the need to do what they did. I do understand just how hard things are and why they must've done it, though.

 

[ValideSultana]

Ex-military, myself, so that portion I definitely can relate with to a good extent. Either way, thank you, like said before, this is what I've been led to believe and it's very hard to break a habit such as this and sadly, I feel guilty for the attention, now. I know there are others that can use it far more than myself. Gah, this fucked up cycle we all must experience, why did it ever have to come to this, for any of us.

Regardless of it all, thank you. And I am truly sorry they felt the need to do what they did. I do understand just how hard things are and why they must've done it, though.

You feel guilty for receiving attention? Don't you dare! You deserve attention, respect and love as much as the next person. I suffer from PTSD as my friend did, but for different reasons. I'm sure you suffer more along his lines, PTSD is a horrible thing to live with. To suffer with. I'm truly sorry for what you went/are going through. Whichever country you are from, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your service.
I understand my friends and my cousin because I have tried and failed on a number of occasions. Doesn't stop me blaming myself for them though. How fucked up we are! We wanted others to live, whilst wanting to kill ourselves. So contradictory.

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

You feel guilty for receiving attention? Don't you dare! You deserve attention, respect and love as much as the next person. I suffer from PTSD as my friend did, but for different reasons. I'm sure you suffer more along his lines, PTSD is a horrible thing to live with. To suffer with. I'm truly sorry for what you went/are going through. Whichever country you are from, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your service.
I understand my friends and my cousin because I have tried and failed on a number of occasions. Doesn't stop me blaming myself for them though. How fucked up we are! We wanted others to live, whilst wanting to kill ourselves. So contradictory.

US, the dumbest nation on this rock we all call home, is where I am from. And yes, I feel guilty for it, because all through my life, I wasn't worthy of jack shit, so I've always put others before myself, as stupid as it sounds. Even after losing my son, I've tried to think of others feelings and not my own, which didn't help matters with my own mental health, but that's what it is with me. For anyone else wondering, I served on the USS Harry S. Truman. Airman. Launch and recovery was my mission, meaning that any of those jets that were set to take off or land, I was one of the people that made sure they landed, safely, fueled and restocked and then were primed for re-launch.

I saw friends die, that didn't pay attention. I saw missions that I can't go into detail happen, hell I even got the honor of working on and with the Blue Angels, in Pensacola back in early '06. None of that has seemed to matter and sure as hell hasn't helped me in the civvy world. My other, personal, events happened later, after I served.

Blaming ourselves counts as 'survivor's guilt', I know, but it doesn't make the hurt any less strong. Doesn't do shit to wipe away the feelings we have over it. I thank your late siblings for their service, since they were my brothers/sisters in arms. But, it's still a tragic loss.

 

[ValideSultana]

US, the dumbest nation on this rock we all call home, is where I am from. And yes, I feel guilty for it, because all through my life, I wasn't worthy of jack shit, so I've always put others before myself, as stupid as it sounds. Even after losing my son, I've tried to think of others feelings and not my own, which didn't help matters with my own mental health, but that's what it is with me. For anyone else wondering, I served on the USS Harry S. Truman. Airman. Launch and recovery was my mission, meaning that any of those jets that were set to take off or land, I was one of the people that made sure they landed, safely, fueled and restocked and then were primed for re-launch.

I saw friends die, that didn't pay attention. I saw missions that I can't go into detail happen, hell I even got the honor of working on and with the Blue Angels, in Pensacola back in early '06. None of that has seemed to matter and sure as hell hasn't helped me in the civvy world. My other, personal, events happened later, after I served.

Blaming ourselves counts as 'survivor's guilt', I know, but it doesn't make the hurt any less strong. Doesn't do shit to wipe away the feelings we have over it. I thank your late siblings for their service, since they were my brothers/sisters in arms. But, it's still a tragic loss.

Hahaha! You made me laugh there! If you come from the dumbest nation on earth, I gotta say I come from the second dumbest; the U.K. Our politicians have bent over and fucked the indigenous people for so many years, our arseholes can't hold themselves closed anymore. We're second-class people in our own country, and by the year 2068 we will have a majority (insert religious group here) in the country. We're expected to apologize for the British Empire, whilst giving reparations. Fuck off! We're expected to pay for the welfare of thousands and thousands; maybe even millions. We pay for their hospital care, housing, schooling, living expenses, whilst expatriates like myself who still pay into the system have to pay when we go home if we need hospital care. My country is now so damned expensive, that I can't even afford to live there!

BTW, don't ever think you're not worthy. You are. I'm so sorry you lost your friends. I'm so sorry you lost your son.

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

Hahaha! You made me laugh there! If you come from the dumbest nation on earth, I gotta say I come from the second dumbest; the U.K. Our politicians have bent over and fucked the indigenous people for so many years, our arseholes can't hold themselves closed anymore. We're second-class people in our own country, and by the year 2068 we will have a majority (insert religious group here) in the country. We're expected to apologize for the British Empire, whilst giving reparations. Fuck off! We're expected to pay for the welfare of thousands and thousands; maybe even millions. We pay for their hospital care, housing, schooling, living expenses, whilst expatriates like myself who still pay into the system have to pay when we go home if we need hospital care. My country is now so damned expensive, that I can't even afford to live there!


BTW, don't ever think you're not worthy. You are. I'm so sorry you lost your friends.

What's worth even more shits and giggles is the fact that my dumbass nation originally stemmed from being traitors to the Crown, so I guess this is a symbiotic thing, lol. It's similar here, but can't say which of our countries are the dumbest. We both have a Trump figure in charge, after all. Immigrants here get all sorts of handouts, as well, yet we're supposedly against them. Us hardworkers are given nothing but grief, layoffs and called 'intolerant' if we say shit against it. Freedom rings its might bell, I guess!

All in all, though, this is fucked that any of our countries do this shit to us. I don't mind the want/need to help other nations, but there comes a limit when your own citizens are suffering greater than those you bring into the nation/country.

And thank you, again. They lost their lives due to not paying attention, but it still doesn't lessen what I witnessed, in person. That changes anyone, seeing someone their, literally one second and then become nothing more than bones and matter sprayed upon a blast shield the other. Not even enough time to process what's happened, let alone having to be part of the 'cleanup' crew.

Still, this wasn't meant to get into all that mess, so apologies.

We have all experienced loss, in many forms, but not all of us can handle prolonged periods and back to back losses. Our world is in shambles, society is crumbling alongside the economy and yet, those of us that have decided to cash out need to 'man up' or 'get over it'.......to that, I say fuck right on off. (not to any of you, btw.)

 

[ValideSultana]

What's worth even more shits and giggles is the fact that my dumbass nation originally stemmed from being traitors to the Crown, so I guess this is a symbiotic thing, lol. It's similar here, but can't say which of our countries are the dumbest. We both have a Trump figure in charge, after all. Immigrants here get all sorts of handouts, as well, yet we're supposedly against them. Us hardworkers are given nothing but grief, layoffs and called 'intolerant' if we say shit against it. Freedom rings its might bell, I guess!

All in all, though, this is fucked that any of our countries do this shit to us. I don't mind the want/need to help other nations, but there comes a limit when your own citizens are suffering greater than those you bring into the nation/country.

And thank you, again. They lost their lives due to not paying attention, but it still doesn't lessen what I witnessed, in person. That changes anyone, seeing someone their, literally one second and then become nothing more than bones and matter sprayed upon a blast shield the other. Not even enough time to process what's happened, let alone having to be part of the 'cleanup' crew.

Still, this wasn't meant to get into all that mess, so apologies.

We have all experienced loss, in many forms, but not all of us can handle prolonged periods and back to back losses. Our world is in shambles, society is crumbling alongside the economy and yet, those of us that have decided to cash out need to 'man up' or 'get over it'.......to that, I say fuck right on off. (not to any of you, btw.)

TBH, I'd much rather have Boris Johnson than Jeremy Corbyn. I don't like the Conservatives, but Labour are traitors to the original people the party was set up to defend and uphold, ie: the working class white families. I'm not racist, my friend, believe it or not. I may sound like I am, but I'm not. I love people from all over the world. I love Hindus, Sikhs, our Gurkhas, Jews (as long as they're not Zionists), Satanists, Aborigines, Persians, Russians, Cypriots, Turks, people from all over Africa...you get the gist! I love most (insert religious minority here) but hate the few percent who terrorize us. Shit, the only people I've disliked since birth is the French, and that's instilled in us when we're in the womb. Don't worry though, the French hate us as much, lmfao! It's been ongoing for about 1,000 years or so!

 

[Brick In The Wall]

We're all a bit broken in our own ways. It's what drove us here to begin with. We support eachother what we can. You're a valuable member of the community and you've helped many people here already.

I truly mean it. Don't beat yourself up over it, I'm sure you have your own demons to contend with. Unfortunately we can't help everyone who's drawn to this place. As Stan once told me, "people come, people go. It's the nature of this place."

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

We're all a bit broken in our own ways. It's what drove us here to begin with. We support eachother what we can. You're a valuable member of the community and you've helped many people here already.

I truly mean it. Don't beat yourself up over it, I'm sure you have your own demons to contend with. Unfortunately we can't help everyone who's drawn to this place. As Stan once told me, "people come, people go. It's the nature of this place."

I'm sure we all have demons we battle. I tend to drown mine, currently.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I'm sure we all have demons we battle. I tend to drown mine, currently.

I used to do that too, but I think mine learned to swim.

 

[ValideSultana]

I used to do that too, but I think mine learned to swim.

That's me, right there. I used to drink and drink. I stopped about 14 years ago. My demons now swim.