Venting apathetic about a forming addiction..

[listless]

i think im becoming addicted to cutting. not in a way like im trying to kill myself when i do it, but im hopelessly addicted to the rush that feels like a drug and the way it just snaps me "back" in a weird way i cant describe. its almost like its grounding, i guess, while simultaneously being completely dissociated when i do it. i feel shame but i also feel better when the cuts are stinging and bleeding, keeping me grounded and giving me something else to think about aside from my mental pains. i dunno. its so weird and feels so pathetic and immature (even though i dont think that about others who struggle with the same issue) and the worst part is i dont want to stop. it makes my pain feel real. it feels... good? exciting? like im alive?? while also being ashamed because i know its societally "wrong" and my loved ones would be worried if they knew. i feel like realistically i have no reason to stop other than not upsetting other people, which feels like a stupid reason to not do something, i would never censor myself in any other way like that in any other aspect really.. i never cut deep enough to cause any real damage, just leave faint scarring. i dunno. how many times can i say i dunno? sorry if this all doesnt make much sense. i guess thats why its a vent, just needed to get it out somewhere.

 

[Holu]

Nono you are doing it right. Self harm is very relieving, and honestly I'd argue for a lot of people(including myself) it's the point. It's not something to feel ashamed about, as many people resort to it, whether out of a level of self hatred, an attempt at suicide, or for numbing the abyssal pain. Your post which discusses a worry over the concern of your loved ones makes me think your not really at a point of no return so please stay safe while exercising self harm. Best of luck to you solider!

 

[listless]

Nono you are doing it right. Self harm is very relieving, and honestly I'd argue for a lot of people(including myself) it's the point. It's not something to feel ashamed about, as many people resort to it, whether out of a level of self hatred, an attempt at suicide, or for numbing the abyssal pain. Your post which discusses a worry over the concern of your loved ones makes me think your not really at a point of no return so please stay safe while exercising self harm. Best of luck to you solider!

yeah, i really cant fight the SI to cut any deeper than a paper cut, so i dont think im really in any danger, other than maybe the cuts getting infected if i dont clean them. but still, you know how it is, most people no matter how you explain it that youre doing it safely, it still worries them. i dont think im past the point of no return either, but i really dont wanna quit harming myself. anyway.. thanks for posting, it always helps to feel less alone and stuff. i hope you are doing ok today. <3