Venting Anytime I bring up my feelings I’m creating “drama”

[tieiwi]

Anytime in my family I bring up how something bothered me I'm written off as emotional, overthinking, sensitive, and trying to start drama. They don't stop to think that I'm really hurt. They know I go in my room to cry afterwards but still see me as some cruel monster. I just want them to care about my feelings and take me seriously. If I tell them how something they did hurt me they don't feel bad that I'm hurt, instead they tell me "I didn't mean anything bad so get over it". They don't realize how much this hurts me. It's what has led me here. If only they knew that I'm on here, maybe then they'd take me seriously. But even then I doubt it, I opened up about me being suicidal once and was still ridiculed so. I was told to "focus on school". I cant focus on anything when I know my own family isn't really there for me. I am so sad and empty because of this. It's a very different pain when you can't trust and feel comfortable with your own family. They provide for me and don't physically abuse me but they are emotionally unavailable and that still hurts. I am very empty now, I guess all this is helping me towards my ctb attempt. Maybe I won't have much of an SI because there's nothing in this life I look forward to. I already attempted to ctb before and didn't feel any SI because I am so.. empty inside. I am writing my thoughts here because if I speak about them they will just be used against me.

 

[ceus]

Hey, I'm sorry to hear about your struggle.
This sounds really exhausting. This kind of well meaning but terribly ignorant patternalism is incredibly isolating.
So many times people say: "You are not alone! There are so many who love you and who want you to be happy."
But in the end many times if one would be truly him/herself they'd just get so worried you would feel shit about it.
Or they don't even have the capacity to comprehend thus not taking one seriously.

There is a huge dissonance when communicating emotions "normal" people cannot fathom.
I don't think they are actually aware how much they are hurting you.

Maybe they even acknowledge you are hurt and lost. And maybe they think them just telling you to "suck it up" is constructive.
They are definitely clueless about the depths of your despair.

I can tell out of my own experience that depression and suicidality can keep you down for years.
I've "wasted" my youth away. Now I'm in my 20s and everything just get's harder every day.
I guess they know that too and are trying to give you a headstart for life so that you don't have to fight unbelievably hard later on.


What they overlook in my opinion is that life preciously short. And if one feels alone it can get much, much shorter.
Sujective loneliness is the number one predictive factor of early mortality, ahead of smoking and obesity. So even from a stone cold, rational standpoint it is devastating to feel alone.
And a live where you feel that everyone who's dear to you is out of arms reach is hardly worth the hassle.

Yet I would make the plea even after all those good reasons for not treating you the way they do, to not be to harsh or damning.
I mean I don't know your family, but if you suspect that somewhere behind this behavior are good and loving intentions... be kind and understanding in the face of your suffering.

In my experience loneliness is something that has it's origins deep inside of us.
No girl- boyfriend, loving family, pet or friendgroup can ever make us feel whole.
We may not even be able to do that ourselves.
In the end we are born alone and die alone. Living in our own consciousness with only our own qualia.
Not truly understanding anyone, not even ourselves.

And holding a grudge against them will only make you feel more alienated.
Obviously it is a strong wish to be close to them. They are important to you.
Hating or despising them would not bring you close to that which you seek.
Finding the love in you to forgive them, still love them despite what they do, possibly will. Even if it's just a little bit.

I know this is probably all not really liberating to hear.
I'm sorry, if I had some more compassionate things to say I would...

All I can say is that we people who live on death's door every day, who've let the the realization of our agency in the face of our own death into our minds, whose souls and spirits are scarred, who have enemies inside our heads, worse than the most fearsome foes, have to fight.
Every day, every night. And for some of us it has no end. Decade after decade...

We cannot and should not expect the people around us to understand this.
'Cause if they would they'd be one of us.
And if we truly love them we'd want them to be ignorant, to not get our struggles.

One final thing that I would like to tell you is that there is some magical aspect of being alone that gets only unlocked under some circumstances, which I cannot define.
Almost every time I felt existential dread, loneliness, agony or something in that direction it was due to my mind spinning vision of my future in a way that depicted me alone.
Every, f**in time...
"I should try to become successful, otherwhise I'll be forever alone and miserable!"
"I should try to do more sports, otherwhise nobdie will ever like me."
"I should try to find my passion and chase it, otherhwise I won't have amazing vibes and no one will want to hang out with me..."

Thought like that cross my mind every day.
Yet recently I had one of those epiphanies.
I gave into the loneliness. I surrendered.
It was simultaneously the most liberating and most depressing thing I've ever felt.
But at the same time it gave me some sort of peace.
Peace at the thought of me dying by suicide.
Bu also peace at the thought of continuing and giving life another shot.
Suddenly when I didn't have to have a house to get a wife, don't need to have a job to care for my future children.
Don't need to live in the city to have people around me.
I only need myself. And I am with me at every moment.
So if there are absolutely no expectations, since I gave myself the permission to die long ago, I can live freely.
In whatever way and however long I want.
Everything can be so simple if your own presence is enough.
Enough for you to be content.

If you feel like you need somebody to talk to, you can always DM me <3
I'll try to answer ASAP :)

 

[tieiwi]

Hey, I'm sorry to hear about your struggle.
This sounds really exhausting. This kind of well meaning but terribly ignorant patternalism is incredibly isolating.
So many times people say: "You are not alone! There are so many who love you and who want you to be happy."
But in the end many times if one would be truly him/herself they'd just get so worried you would feel shit about it.
Or they don't even have the capacity to comprehend thus not taking one seriously.

There is a huge dissonance when communicating emotions "normal" people cannot fathom.
I don't think they are actually aware how much they are hurting you.

Maybe they even acknowledge you are hurt and lost. And maybe they think them just telling you to "suck it up" is constructive.
They are definitely clueless about the depths of your despair.

I can tell out of my own experience that depression and suicidality can keep you down for years.
I've "wasted" my youth away. Now I'm in my 20s and everything just get's harder every day.
I guess they know that too and are trying to give you a headstart for life so that you don't have to fight unbelievably hard later on.


What they overlook in my opinion is that life preciously short. And if one feels alone it can get much, much shorter.
Sujective loneliness is the number one predictive factor of early mortality, ahead of smoking and obesity. So even from a stone cold, rational standpoint it is devastating to feel alone.
And a live where you feel that everyone who's dear to you is out of arms reach is hardly worth the hassle.

Yet I would make the plea even after all those good reasons for not treating you the way they do, to not be to harsh or damning.
I mean I don't know your family, but if you suspect that somewhere behind this behavior are good and loving intentions... be kind and understanding in the face of your suffering.

In my experience loneliness is something that has it's origins deep inside of us.
No girl- boyfriend, loving family, pet or friendgroup can ever make us feel whole.
We may not even be able to do that ourselves.
In the end we are born alone and die alone. Living in our own consciousness with only our own qualia.
Not truly understanding anyone, not even ourselves.

And holding a grudge against them will only make you feel more alienated.
Obviously it is a strong wish to be close to them. They are important to you.
Hating or despising them would not bring you close to that which you seek.
Finding the love in you to forgive them, still love them despite what they do, possibly will. Even if it's just a little bit.

I know this is probably all not really liberating to hear.
I'm sorry, if I had some more compassionate things to say I would...

All I can say is that we people who live on death's door every day, who've let the the realization of our agency in the face of our own death into our minds, whose souls and spirits are scarred, who have enemies inside our heads, worse than the most fearsome foes, have to fight.
Every day, every night. And for some of us it has no end. Decade after decade...

We cannot and should not expect the people around us to understand this.
'Cause if they would they'd be one of us.
And if we truly love them we'd want them to be ignorant, to not get our struggles.

One final thing that I would like to tell you is that there is some magical aspect of being alone that gets only unlocked under some circumstances, which I cannot define.
Almost every time I felt existential dread, loneliness, agony or something in that direction it was due to my mind spinning vision of my future in a way that depicted me alone.
Every, f**in time...
"I should try to become successful, otherwhise I'll be forever alone and miserable!"
"I should try to do more sports, otherwhise nobdie will ever like me."
"I should try to find my passion and chase it, otherhwise I won't have amazing vibes and no one will want to hang out with me..."

Thought like that cross my mind every day.
Yet recently I had one of those epiphanies.
I gave into the loneliness. I surrendered.
It was simultaneously the most liberating and most depressing thing I've ever felt.
But at the same time it gave me some sort of peace.
Peace at the thought of me dying by suicide.
Bu also peace at the thought of continuing and giving life another shot.
Suddenly when I didn't have to have a house to get a wife, don't need to have a job to care for my future children.
Don't need to live in the city to have people around me.
I only need myself. And I am with me at every moment.
So if there are absolutely no expectations, since I gave myself the permission to die long ago, I can live freely.
In whatever way and however long I want.
Everything can be so simple if your own presence is enough.
Enough for you to be content.

If you feel like you need somebody to talk to, you can always DM me <3
I'll try to answer ASAP :)

Thank you for taking time to reply and give advice I really appreciate it. It's difficult to try and forgive. I feel like if I forgive it's as if I'm being a fool and letting them hurt me as they please. I know if the tables were turned they wouldn't take it and would hold me accountable until they received a genuine apology. Also because they treat each other with respect and listen to each other's feelings, so why is it different with me? Then again I have a blended family so some members aren't related to me by blood which probably explains it. But even so I never treat them the way they treat me. I never use their past acts against them, I never label them as emotional. I always take them seriously and listen and try to give the best advice I can when they come to me.

I'm in my 20's as well and I resonate with you on the wasting your youth part. I am really happy for you that you were able to find peace. I can tell that you are much more mature and wise than me. I hope that life is easy on you and everything works out! Again thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to respond it means a lot to me <3

 

[ceus]

It is difficult to forgive.
Probably one of the most difficult things we are faced with.
I guess most of us weren't even able to forgive ourselves.
Which in turn makes us unable to be with ourselves.
Being there without a phone, music, people or anything. Just ourselves.
I for my part am burning inside after a while of that. I'm crying 'cause I'm so cruel to myself. I'm crying 'cause I hold my past mistakes against myself.
I'm hating myself for being so cruel. It is a cycle you see?
And only if we manage to escape for a moment the loneliness ceases.
Then we can be...
Not alone, rather with ourselves. Because we can actually listen to ourselves.
We can actually sit there and say "It's beautiful being here with you, however long it may last. We could go tomorrow... or just sit here a moment"

And forgiving those who have wronged you, who evidently know better since they don't wrong each other, seems impossible.
I could say I know that. But in the end only you know the true difficulty you face. And so you are the only one who can decide if forgiving is the right thing to do.

Let me put up an analogy which may provide some insight:

Imagine you have a pet you love more than anything in this world.
Now imagine this pet wronged you by destroying your favorite thing.

Self-evidently you are hurt. Obviously you are in immense pain over the loss.
Quite possibly you are angry with it, furious even.

But now think of what would be the right thing to do in that moment?

Start arguing with the pet?
Shout at it? Stop caring for it, no food, no walks, no nothing?

I would suggest that the right thing to do is doing your best in "explaining" to the pet what it has done wrong.
And like with every pet they just understand it in right that moment when the atrocity happened.
But at some point it understood everything it was capable of.

At some moment it is just a pet, unable to understand why that thing was so important to you, following you around and being happy when you're around it.
It worries for you, tries to protect you from everything it deems dangerous.
And maybe with others of it's kind it understands that they have something valuable it can't have and has to be careful not to destroy.
Like the favorite toy of it's best pet buddy.

But with you it did not know that.
It was oblivious what it had done wrong. It was just itself and loves you all the same still.

And you have the choice.
You can acknowledge the pets ignorance. Accept that it is unable to understand what it has done to you, unable to apologize or make ammends.
You can try to tell it how you feel the next time something bad happens. And if it doesn't understand... that's how it is.

I know it is incredibly strenuous and difficult to be the one "above it all" the one that "forgives and forgets".
But in the end as far fetched as this analogy might seem I still believe it to be true to some degree.
Your family is not able to understand. And as I explained in my previous post, maybe this is for the better.
Yes this is a burden that weighs you down. Yes it is unfair that you're alone and the "pets" have each other.

But if you find the kindness in your heart to forgive the pet you, admittedly, won't have your favorite item anymore but atleast you have something you love and which loves you.
Maybe you don't talk the same language. Maybe you are more rational, compassionate or intelligent than it.
Maybe you are destined to feel the majority of the pain of this whole ordeal.

Alas nobody will be able to change that.

I don't want to say anything of this is easy. I don't want to say 'cause it sounds reasonable to forgive it is the right thing to do. Only you know that in your heart.
All I can say is that you will have to carry the spite not them.
And even if you decide you want to forgive them it will take a long time to do so fully.
I am so, so sorry for what you have to go through and have gone through.
It's terrifying that the world bestowes such agony on some people.
Hope a digital hug will reach you somehow

I'm glad you found my advice somewhat helpful :)
I hope that the community here brings you some companionship in time.

And as I said, if you need somebody to talk to, even if I'm just some avatar in an internet forum, I'm here for you <3

PS:

I hope I myself am not too patronizing.
I'm far from all knowing... quite the opposite I don't even carry enough wisdom in me to make my own life bearable ^-^
So if you disagree with something I said, keep that alive.
You know best what's right for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really awful having to deal with insensitive people like that who just dismiss what you go through, I really do think that humans are responsible for so much of the suffering that sadly exists in this world and it's just so unfair. But anyway, I wish you the best.

 

[Susannah]

Anytime in my family I bring up how something bothered me I'm written off as emotional, overthinking, sensitive, and trying to start drama. They don't stop to think that I'm really hurt. They know I go in my room to cry afterwards but still see me as some cruel monster. I just want them to care about my feelings and take me seriously. If I tell them how something they did hurt me they don't feel bad that I'm hurt, instead they tell me "I didn't mean anything bad so get over it". They don't realize how much this hurts me. It's what has led me here. If only they knew that I'm on here, maybe then they'd take me seriously. But even then I doubt it, I opened up about me being suicidal once and was still ridiculed so. I was told to "focus on school". I cant focus on anything when I know my own family isn't really there for me. I am so sad and empty because of this. It's a very different pain when you can't trust and feel comfortable with your own family. They provide for me and don't physically abuse me but they are emotionally unavailable and that still hurts. I am very empty now, I guess all this is helping me towards my ctb attempt. Maybe I won't have much of an SI because there's nothing in this life I look forward to. I already attempted to ctb before and didn't feel any SI because I am so.. empty inside. I am writing my thoughts here because if I speak about them they will just be used against me.

I know how you feel. I tried to open up about my depression, and everybody told me to "get over it", "move on", "turn negativ thinking to positive thinking".

My mum started to cry, and screamed to me; "at least you didn't loose a child" (I did however loose my sister). I couldn't "compete" with her in any way when it came to depression and sorrow.

When I feel apart completely, exhausted from being too supportive, both private and at work, my nearest had a meeting to "help me". Yeah right The day after, the police came to my home, and drove me to the psyc ward. I had no earlier experience with the psyc ward, but I got locked in for 3 weeks. After this awful experience, I got really suicidale and depressed. And I didn't dare to talk about it to anyone. I still don't, except on this site, and this site only.

it's been 10y since this happened, and everyone but me have forgotten about this "incident". I learnt that no one can help me but me. We're all alone in our heads.

Lots of loveS