Anyone's suicide ingrained in their daily routine?

[StateOfMind]

For over half a year now, every evening - I have been going to the tracks in the hope I can muster up the courage to make that final move.

Part of the reason for this is:
"So how does one overcome the natural instinct for self-preservation? In a word: Practice. In Joiner's theory, suicide victims literally "work up" to the act by getting used to danger, fear and pain. They may do this in a variety of ways over their lifetime."

Practice makes deadly perfection, FSU suicide researcher says

Even when I don't really feel like ctb I go anyway. It has become like a ritual - a ritual of death.
My suicide, combined with the scheduled note will be my greatest accomplishment.

 

[Symbiote]

I revisit the memory of my first SN attempt often. How peaceful it was, how I drifted off to sleep like someone injecting anesthesia in me before a dental procedure. I'll hold the bottle of SN in my hand and coo it softly like it's my baby or a pet. I'm not worried about SI or self-preservation. I'm just more worried about timing it so it doesn't get interrupted or a force of nature intervenes.

 

[jusbug]

mine is a long process at least once a day i visualize the whole process and possible variant

 

[granolabar]

Yep, every day I obsessively think about ways to ctb with my surroundings almost like I have to make sure I always have a way out wherever I am. I have started staring down on high bridges and buildings to get rid of the fear.

 

[signifying nothing]

It could work against you - I'd be wary of getting too much into the routine of getting close to death only then to walk away from it. Isn't it like every time you don't go through with it or don't advance the process you're essentially 'saving' yourself?

 

[StateOfMind]

It could work against you - I'd be wary of getting too much into the routine of getting close to death only then to walk away from it. Isn't it like every time you don't go through with it or don't advance the process you're essentially 'saving' yourself?

You raise a good point / question.
My life is so meaningless that I find pleasure even in planning / approaching suicide.
It's a strange place to be mentally.
Soon, even the pleasure of facing certain death will reside.

 

[signifying nothing]

You raise a good point / question.
My life is so meaningless that I find pleasure even in planning / approaching suicide.
It's a strange place to be mentally.
Soon, even the pleasure of facing certain death will reside.

I think it is still a good thing to be doing, despite what I said. Doing something active that gets you 90% of the way there has got to be a better strategy than just thinking about it at home. It should mean that when The day comes a much smaller mental 'push' should be required to achieve your outcome.

 

[filtfarfar]

You raise a good point / question.
My life is so meaningless that I find pleasure even in planning / approaching suicide.
It's a strange place to be mentally.
Soon, even the pleasure of facing certain death will reside.

That sounds familiar to me. My daily existence is so meaningless. The only thing that catches my attention are thoughts about methods to ctb.

My big mistake is that I moved from my apartment back to my parents who now know I am suicidal. Now I am stuck here with few options to ctb..

I think your practice will give results. It makes you more familiar with the environment, which makes you more comfortable with the situation.

 

[FuneralCry]

I probably spend too much time thinking about ctb rather than actually productively preparing. It is a good idea though, as if you are mentally prepared, you might have a higher chance of actually succeeding as you will probably feel calmer about the process and will stop the SI kicking in.

 

[xrafinha]

Atm I'm at work reading posts from SS. All my colleges wich I like are sitting in front of me. They are talking about frivolous stuff, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

On my end, I'm here reading about suicide and thinking when and how I'll end my existance. I just feel like I don't want to see another day and I want to to go back to the place where inevitably I'll be soonor or later, the great nothingness.

I no longer fear death, but I fear dying. I'm not kin to unplesand experiences that dying definily sounds like one.

Btw, I've readed a text made by an user that ctb'd and I thought it was amazing.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/dont-be-afraid-of-death.47413/

Really enjoyed that piece of writing.

 

[loopylou]

Yes :(

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Yes. The thoughts are there most of the time, and it is at a point were they have become comfortable. Not comfortable as in they are enjoyable, but meaning that they do not bother me. They have become a part of my existence just like a chore, or something else that you would do routinely. Now whenever I hear of somebody elses suicide in the real world I think to myself: "I do not blame them". Everybody else around me is shocked, or at least they pretend to be.