Anyone with recurrent depressive disorder?

[marshmallowfluff]

I have had mental health problems for as long as I can remember now. I was diagnosed with recurrent depression when I'm 19 and I'm now 33. I have lived through torturous depressions and through the times when I have been a normal, functioning member of society. I've held down a job, I studied at university, I've had lots of friends etc.

For the past few years I've felt that no matter what I do, no matter what changes or what meds I'm on, it's all going to come back to me being depressed again. Despite all of this, I have never attempted to ctb. I was depressed in the winter of 2020 and was hospitalised. I have been in hospital, under section, since then. I've lost my friends, I rarely speak to my family, no one visits or writes or messages. Those who I thought were close friends are now just figures of the past. Having been so high functioning in the past, I rarely relate to other patients on the ward and I am so intolerant of EVERYTHING and I feel like there is never going to be an end to this. Nothing is helping me and when I do have periods of stability, something changes and the depression comes back.

I'm so so desperate to escape this. I've been holding myself back from ctb for so many years now and I've finally gotten to a point where I don't think I can do that for much longer. I want out. I want it to end. I thought of a method last year and how I'd execute it. I would hate to leave the staff I have formed such bonds with utterly traumatised but I couldn't give a shit, and I haven't for a while.

I'm just tired. I want an off switch.

 

[angelk]

¡Hola! No sabes cuánto te entiendo. Tengo el mismo diagnostico. Es un sufrimiento constante, no comprendido y que te lleva al límite.
Llevo 20 años haciendo esto y también estoy cansada. Tengo 38 años ahora. Ya no creo que sea corregible... Efectivamente ningún tratamiento me ayuda, tomo benzodeazepinas, pero ya no hacen efecto porque mi cuerpo se ha acostumbrado, tengo insomnio y mi dolor emocional es muy grande. Es como tener un ataque al corazón todo el tiempo.

Ya estoy con todo en proceso para CTB. Mi NS está en camino, haré una prueba de pureza y luego seguiré las instrucciones para tomar. lo peor sin duda que le escribo a mi madre, a mis amigos que siguen tratando de sacarme de esta. No sé si escribir, si no, no quiero ser mala persona. Solo quiero que entiendas que mi lucha ha terminado, que no puedo más.

Me siento muy identificado contigo, si quieres hablar aquí estoy.

 

[Nightwillalwayswin]

I am so sorry for your suffering. I hate to be insensitive but on what basis that they kept you under section for so long?

 

[letmegetout]

I have had mental health problems for as long as I can remember now. I was diagnosed with recurrent depression when I'm 19 and I'm now 33. I have lived through torturous depressions and through the times when I have been a normal, functioning member of society. I've held down a job, I studied at university, I've had lots of friends etc.

For the past few years I've felt that no matter what I do, no matter what changes or what meds I'm on, it's all going to come back to me being depressed again. Despite all of this, I have never attempted to ctb. I was depressed in the winter of 2020 and was hospitalised. I have been in hospital, under section, since then. I've lost my friends, I rarely speak to my family, no one visits or writes or messages. Those who I thought were close friends are now just figures of the past. Having been so high functioning in the past, I rarely relate to other patients on the ward and I am so intolerant of EVERYTHING and I feel like there is never going to be an end to this. Nothing is helping me and when I do have periods of stability, something changes and the depression comes back.

I'm so so desperate to escape this. I've been holding myself back from ctb for so many years now and I've finally gotten to a point where I don't think I can do that for much longer. I want out. I want it to end. I thought of a method last year and how I'd execute it. I would hate to leave the staff I have formed such bonds with utterly traumatised but I couldn't give a shit, and I haven't for a while.

I'm just tired. I want an off switch.

I really can relate
I've had treatment resistant depression since the age of 15, first diagnosed with depression at 13, I'm now 29. I've tried every treatment and most medications you can think of and I'm so so done. I've been in hospital on a section 2 before and voluntarily and under the crisis team too which has just happened again now- I don't want it but I've been threatening with a mental health act assessment if I don't agree to work with the crisis team and apparently the likelihood of me being detained is very very high so I absolutely don't want to risk that. I'm so done with this shit and I'm so sorry you're in such a similar position

 

[The anhedonic one]

I suffer from persistent untreatable clinical depression.
So mine is constantly there in varying degrees of severity.

 

[marshmallowfluff]

I am so sorry for your suffering. I hate to be insensitive but on what basis that they kept you under section for so long?

I'm not sure. I think it's harm to self. I self harm sometimes (although only 4 times in the 2 years I've been here), but I need surgery to fix the damage I do. I spoke to the ward manager on Friday. She's fairly new. She said she's not sure what this ward are doing for me and I queried discharge. She said the risk of accidental death is very high but that's the risk I take every time I self harm and I KNOW that. Keeping me locked up isn't helping and I'm not getting better. I am starting EMDR on Tuesday so perhaps that will help, I just don't hold out much hope at the moment… I feel very stuck.
@letmegetout sorry you are in the same boat. It is a truly miserable existence. I hope you managed to evade the threatened section

@The anhedonic one Do you ever wonder if there is an end to the depression? I relate to your name. Even when my mood is ok I still have terrible anhedonia. I am even reluctant to try the things they're telling me could help, because I don't get anything out of it. What do you spend your days doing?