Anyone who attempted and for some reason failed; what what the last thing you thought about before blacking out?

[sisyphean-nightmare]

If you can remember. Alternatively, what was your thoughts during the procedure that led up to the attempt?

 

[SNastablesalt]

a mess of mitski lyrics and goodbyes to my boyfriend. I remember wishing he was with me. (amitriptyline od)

 

[Forveleth]

"Here we go."

 

[_Gollum_]

Didn't black out but to answer your alternative question, there were actually almost no thoughts in my head. I described it at the time as "being in the void." As a result, I was very task-oriented. I knew what steps I had to take, and then I just did them one after the other without really thinking much about it. I've often gone back to that moment because I'd like to be in that headspace again when I reattempt, but unfortunately I haven't found a way to replicate it yet.

 

[TapeMachine]

I just sat there waiting to pass out, thinking about how utterly broken I was, and how my death would finally end this lifetime of sorrow. I felt a sort of poignant sense of peace knowing that I'd never have to feel like an unwanted outsider looking in any longer.

I was so ready to be gone... I wasn't scared, and survival instinct was nonexistent.

When that method (I sliced open my radial arteries on both arms, very deeply) ultimately failed me, I drained the bath, cleaned up the bloody scene, and then I went back to bed to research a better method. I genuinely thought I would have died in that bath tub that night. Stupid me.

I had indeed lost a great deal of blood the night before and had tremendous trouble moving around that following day when I headed to the hardware store to purchase some supplies for the new method. I must have appeared drunk or something, because I remember how weak my legs felt, and that whole day just felt like I was drifting through a dream?

But I never got the chance to put Plan B into action. My wounded arms were discovered when I accidentally fell asleep with my bedside lamp on later that night. It was a whole ordeal, and I was taken to the hospital a couple days later to have my arms double-stitched.

But hey, at least I wasn't forced to stay in the psych ward- which is pretty unbelievable, huh? ‍♀

P.S. I actually just dreamt about the night of that attempt last night, which has my mind so fucked today, which is why I'm here right now after a hiatus.

 

[CosmicPaperCut]

I just sat there waiting to pass out, thinking about how utterly broken I was, and how my death would finally end this lifetime of sorrow. I felt a sort of poignant sense of peace knowing that I'd never have to feel like an unwanted outsider looking in any longer.

I was so ready to be gone... I wasn't scared, and survival instinct was nonexistent.

When that method (I sliced open my radial arteries on both arms, very deeply) ultimately failed me, I drained the bath, cleaned up the bloody scene, and then I went back to bed to research a better method. I genuinely thought I would have died in that bath tub that night. Stupid me.

I had indeed lost a great deal of blood the night before and had tremendous trouble moving around that following day when I headed to the hardware store to purchase some supplies for the new method. I must have appeared drunk or something, because I remember how weak my legs felt, and that whole day just felt like I was drifting through a dream?

But I never got the chance to put Plan B into action. My wounded arms were discovered when I accidentally fell asleep with my bedside lamp on later that night. It was a whole ordeal, and I was taken to the hospital a couple days later to have my arms double-stitched.

But hey, at least I wasn't forced to stay in the psych ward- which is pretty unbelievable, huh? ‍♀

P.S. I actually just dreamt about the night of that attempt last night, which has my mind so fucked today, which is why I'm here right now after a hiatus.

can i ask why the bathtub method didnt work? did you eventually stop bleeding or what?

 

[Vision4ry]

All the times I came close, I was always shit-off-my-ass drunk so I didn't think a lot of things. I would spend all this time slowly preparing for the guillotine, but when I was sitting in front of my noose, I just remember I wasn't thinking of anything in my life, I was just going "I gotta get piss drunk." Ha. And when I tried OD too, while I was fine for the first hour or so (I put on a record and drank my way through 3 bottles of soju), the moment it started hurting like the sharpest pain in my ribs, I was only thinking about the pain, nothing else. At that time this had me thinking "Well maybe if dying is this painful I should give up on it," and then I woke up in my own vomit 2 days later and remembered why I chose to CTB.

I'm thinking of SN again because it was the only method that was only unpleasant instead of actually painful. Shit is terrible so if u wanna do any thinking do it beforehand. I hope it's different for everyone because SI and a painful death is something I really struggle with

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

The last thing I thought about before downing 2 cups of antifreeze in 2008 was nothing. Other than the fact that I will soon be free. I wish I chose a more reliable method.

 

[TapeMachine]

can i ask why the bathtub method didnt work? did you eventually stop bleeding or what?

(1)The body is efficient af at clotting
(2) It takes a while to lose a fatal amount of blood, depending on the location of injury and so on
(3) Bath water cools down rather quickly (blood also fills the water quickly, and I found out that very night that a large amount of blood causes such an awful smell- just a side note), so it is an ongoing battle to drain and refill the bath with hot/warm water. Warm keeps blood flowing; cool speeds blood clotting.
(4) I eventually heard the other person in the house getting up for work early that morning, and I'd already been bleeding in that damn tub for a couple(?) of hours...I didn't want them to walk in and see me, freak out, and then have my very-much-alive ass committed. So I cleaned up, wrapped my arms tightly, and went back to my room to do more research.


In general, this is just an inefficient (and pretty ineffective) means of ctb. I just wasn't aware of this back in 2016/2017 when I tried. I had no idea that one could access so much ctb info via the internet until somewhat recently.

 

[TapeMachine]

Didn't black out but to answer your alternative question, there were actually almost no thoughts in my head. I described it at the time as "being in the void." As a result, I was very task-oriented. I knew what steps I had to take, and then I just did them one after the other without really thinking much about it. I've often gone back to that moment because I'd like to be in that headspace again when I reattempt, but unfortunately I haven't found a way to replicate it yet.

I know what you mean. There was definitely a certain emptiness of the mind, a void. I know I'll have to return to the same mindset before I can attempt again; because in that sort of moment, neither pain, survival instinct, nor fear was present. I was willing to do anything to end the feelings consuming my body and mind.

And that's something that simply cannot be forced, at least not for me. I was in the same headspace during winter of 2023; but once I finally had all of the supplies for my plan, something unforeseen happened later that winter that forced me to veer off course. And now I feel more stuck in life than ever.