Discussion Anyone here thinks that you could be better, but just don’t want to?

[idkrat]

Just curious. I often think that if I would want to, i could put myself into recovery and improve as a person, my life isn't that bad afterall.
I just dont to.
idk if its self-loathing or maybe mental health problems (trauma its a b*tch) but when I think about it something feels odd and my brain comes to the conclusion that ctb its just better.
Anyone here with a similar experience?

Also sorry bad english. New to the site also.

 

[AnonymousL]

Yes.
Whenever I am feeling better I get so extremely scared. I have felt depressed my whole life so recovery is terrifying. I found comfort in my mental illness and I don't want to imagine a life in which I feel happy.

Part of me knows that if life gets better, it will break down again at some point and the only thing that will eat me up is the fact that I didn't end it sooner to prevent this from happening.

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

I do not think i could be better, i just think that i could be less bad. "Better" implies that things are turning good. I can't project myself in a situation where things could be worthwile, perhaps in a situation where the suffering is less intense. I do not have the motivation to turn things in a less bad way and to be honest i don't know neither how i could despite the fact it is certainy possible.

 

[fightingforchoice]

Yes I feel terrified when I start to feel better, like my safety net is gone and I have to start putting in the hard work of living a fulfilling life again. It's easier just to plan and fantasise about my death

 

[Adûnâi]

Is not doing something a choice? Or not? I'm not sure. Sometimes yes, or not.

Personally, I'm trying to do the bare minimum to exist, and I don't know hot to get a gf anyway, so I can't try better.

 

[dinosavr]

Yessss. I would like everything or nothing - being healed all the way in no time, very happy, hopeful and grateful for every breath on this planet OR ctb.
And the second option seems so incredibly much more accessible and easier

 

[MarsProxy]

I think that I could, but it'd involve moving past ten years of memories with the love of my life just to focus on myself. I can't let go of him and the memories. It's not even worth it.

 

[new2blue]

There are many things I could do to give myself a shot at some form of normalcy. My mental health is awful. It makes everything I do feel unimportant and miserable. Sometimes I can not see any point in working on myself when existing is such a big effort on my part. I think of everyone else in my life, waking up and getting on with it, and I cant understand why I should try when something as simple as leaving the house or eating a meal feels like it takes 100% of my effort. Everyday it feels like the world is ending, and meanwhile people around me small talk about battery brands, employee of the year awards and the new purse they bought.

I think way too much about deep stuff. I wish I could be shallow and programmed and run on rails like everyone else. Maybe I will try, but it'll be an effort, every second, and my soul is too tired for that.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I definitely relate to this. I think it's for a whole mixture of reasons for me. I have tried hard in the past for one. I feel like I have done quite a bit in my life to try and make it work- including completely uprooting 3 times and starting again. Ultimately though- it hasn't been rewarding enough to my satisfaction. It's simply a feeling for me that any amount of effort I put in likely won't feel worth it in the end- because it hasn't in the 43 years I've been doing it to date!

The other thing is- my former 'best case scenario' really doesn't look all that appealing now! I used to be and kind of still am very (creative) career focused. But- talking to people who have worked for companies who I would consider to be at the top- they were treated terribly! 16 hour days are common in this industry. So then- the question becomes- 'Even if you were lucky enough to land one of these prime jobs (unlikely in itself,) would you be willing to uproot yourself again, have all the hassle of finding somewhere to rent again, pay two lots of bills again, confront your terrible social anxiety and lack of confidence around others again- all to be utterly exploited working 16 hour days? Erm... no! So- even the best case scenario looks shit!

So basically- the amount of effort I would need to put in to truly turn things around would be huge- again and I don't see the result being worth it- again!

The other solution would be to try and make the mental adjustment to become happy where I am. I don't think I can make myself enjoy a wage slave job. (I definitely didn't for the 10 years I did them.) It's just going to be a case of trying to get through it as best I can. All I can tell myself is that I won't give up my creative job. It's pretty much my sole purpose but overall, it isn't enough. It's the lesser of the evils but it's still a life filled with uncertainty and worry.

I guess in some ways, I'm more relaxed than I was. I'm far more lazy than I was- certainly. Being suicidal does that for me- nothing truly matters anymore. I think maybe that's another reason I hang on to this feeling. It lets me off that horrible feeling of failure I used to have to some degree. You don't feel so deflated about not getting the job you want when you realise that job would probably make you even more miserable and none of it matters when you die anyway! It's nice to feel that I won't challenge myself to the degree I had originally intended. Really- I'm just tired of all the effort you have to put in. I guess I just want to rest as much as possible and tread water until I can rest forever. (My actual CTB relies on my Dad going first.)

 

[jackrussell023]

Yeah it's difficult to decide to be so called better as it's a complete unknown compared to what we know today. My pyschologist called it being comfortably uncomfortable, which I think us a good way to describe it - being comfortable enough in the crappy situation that the unknown of being better is not an incentive.

 

[Angel of Spades]

For me it's almost like I'm in too deep. It's been nearly a decade that I've lived with depression and suicidal ideation, and there are too many reasons I've come up with over the years for why I want to go through with it to back out now.

I don't know. Maybe within the next year my life will change and it'll change what I believe as well, but I'm not extremely certain about the possibility of that happening.

 

[hellispink]

I am a highly sensitive person. I couldnt possibly improve or survive this harsh world. I can't stand the injustices and all the pain, even if my problems were solved, i still want to be out of here. This world is simply not for me.

 

[Codename_Joryu]

Just curious. I often think that if I would want to, i could put myself into recovery and improve as a person, my life isn't that bad afterall.
I just dont to.
idk if its self-loathing or maybe mental health problems (trauma its a b*tch) but when I think about it something feels odd and my brain comes to the conclusion that ctb its just better.
Anyone here with a similar experience?

Also sorry bad english. New to the site also.

I don't want to speak for everyone, but I feel like a lot of people here thinks the same. Truth is, we just got so used to depression that it basically became our comfort zone and we are just afraid of change. We are so fucked up emotionally that we just want to chill and seek comfort for the rest of our lives, because any change requires a lot of effort and energy.
Honestly, I really feel like I could turn my life around, if I started taking care of myself, and spend time on self improvement, but I know that in the middle of the process I'll just give up, I don't have energy for anything nowadays and I'm drained of any hope and happiness that was left in me.

 

[jar-baby]

Yes. My will to live's been corroded by years of constant dissociation and anhedonia— and that, coupled with nihilism and unpleasant external circumstances, means that I don't really want to try to get better. I just don't think the effort's worth it.

You don't feel so deflated about not getting the job you want when you realise that job would probably make you even more miserable and none of it matters when you die anyway!

I relate. My nihilistic apathy has proven to be pretty effective at obviating the pain that the awareness of my inadequacies would otherwise cause.

 

[R_N]

If I pushed myself to do "better" I would in turn suffer a lot with 0 gain. No point for me to do so.

 

[remcycler]

I agree that life could get better but not good. I'd be in a cycle of life which I didn't sign up for and don't have the desires to perform in the society we created

 

[prettycvnt]

Yes. I feel like any day now I could make the decision to be better. To be honest, my wish to ctb is not even out of depression but necessity. I know I will not change even tho I can change, so it's best to do the world a favor and leave.

 

[beelzebul]

yes, actually. i think most of us could probably do it if we tried. the issue is that trying is hard and when you're in a deep dark fucking pit that keeps getting deeper and darker, it gets harder and harder to try. and for me, it gets harder for me to want to be better, even though i logically know being better would... well... make things better.

at this point in my life, i no longer want to get better and i'm not trying to get better. i'll do treatments to appease my moms, but my heart isn't in it anymore.

 

[Ash’Girl]

I think about this a lot I guess. As one of the older members (in terms of years on this earth as opposed to how long I've been a member), I've gone through cycles over my lifetime.

Around age 19 I made an active decision to try - it wasn't easy and I relapsed a lot, but I tried really hard to stop actively harming myself as a coping mechanism for all the shit I was feeling internally. It didn't change much of what I was feeling internally, but I guess I committed to myself to give life a go instead of defaulting to ending it.

And I did. And there were times in my life where I think I felt happy. And there was still something in me that felt hope - even if life wasn't exactly wonderful, hope that if I kept pushing through, I could be, maybe. And that hope, I guess, is different for us all, as what motivates us and makes life happy (or at least bearable) is so specific to each individual.

I think though, because I found my own holy grail in the form of a relationship I felt secure, safe and loved in for the first time ever, and I really did think "wow, this was what I kept holding on for - this was my hope, the dream" - though it didn't magically cure my shitty mental health, for the first time I really could see a future I looked forward to. And I was glad, for the first time, that all my misinformed ctb attempts when I was younger hadn't been successful.

It took the better part of four decades to find that and genuinely I felt a sense of peace internally. And though life still threw random shit at me as it is prone to do, it was somehow manageable with him around.

He died. We didn't even get that much time together in the grand scheme of things.

And though I know that life is ups and downs, highs and lows for everyone, I also know that there are a lot of people who manage to much more easily ride the lows, whereas for me the lows are next level immersive darkness and always have been - BPD heightens every single emotion and I generally have never felt particularly equipped to deal with life and all its traumas and uncertainties, whether big or small. The stuff people might think is "small" to me is catastrophic, and the big stuff is apocalyptic.

So…. Genuinely I've tried, and tried, and tried some more. And now I've lost all hope for "better", because I found a needle in a haystack for a pwBPD and then that got ripped away so fast. I'm not even in the acute grief stage anymore, I'm just in numb despondency and a sense of no longer wanting to try to be "better", or "happy", because for me it doesn't last long, and when things crash down, the crash is harder every time.

 

[HollowDrop]

I think about this quite a bit. Even when I do make active attempts to socialize and feel even a bit better, there are times when I feel like my mental anguish is a strange kind of comfort. I cannot quite understand it myself. Why do I sometimes want to hurt, is it to punish myself for being so worthless? I'm still trying to study this part about my mental.

 

[Hunter2005]

Yeah same too much trauma I've dealt with and is in the back of my mind.

 

[almaPerdida]

I am confused thinking about that honestly. I believe i could get better and live a normal life if i wanted to. But i think it's pointless, i don't know for sure it will be a happy life. But i could give a shot to stay longer and see.

At the same that my thoughts became more serious the more crisis i faced. I believe eventually one crisis will be my final, i don't think i can escape it. It seems like a canon event in my life, CTB at some point.

 

[jbear824]

This is better suited for the recovery forum

 

[vitbar]

Yes. Getting better requires things that make me feel exposed. Things that trigger all those thoughts and feelings I don't want to have. I'm resistent. It also requires breaking well worn habits. There is comfort in staying where I am. On top of this the depression wants to destroy me. It puts blinkers on me that narrow my focus until death seems best. I know it isn't exactly true, but it is easier to let myself slide into oblivion.

 

[sleepy10]

Honestly no, maybe a very small part almost believes that but i simply dont see it happening. i have truly lost all hope and all will to live. i have no friends, no family, no love, no nothing. i am simply someone who is already forgotten the only thing i have left to do is die.

 

[Neverfeltdeader]

Heck yeah. Well, maybe I could but I would have to put a lot of effort into making myself a better person. I just don't want to and I'm terrified of being a happier person. I worry that if I even attempt to try be happier/healthier etc., shit will come crashing down and I'll feel like shit again.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

Yeah. I don't want to get better anymore. I want to leave this farce we call life. I hate this world and the people in it. I hate life.

 

[1012512]

i'm sure that if i really wanted to, i could feel at least a little better than i do currently. however, i do not really want to even try at this point; the time, effort, reliving of trauma and mental anguish i would have to sink into self-improvement and remedying every single illness in my life is not at all worth just feeling a little Less Bad. even if there is still hope for me, which i do feel at times, it's just not at all worth the effort (especially with the risk of enduring more painful experiences, and ending up at this same mental place all over again.)

 

[vampyre]

I'll tell myself I'm going to do my best and I'll put in all the effort, but once it comes to actually making steps, it feels so terrifying or sometimes I just can't motivate myself to try at all and don't want to try. I've thrown away so many chances to get better

 

[infinitanocte]

I've tried a couple times to motivate myself and change, to improve myself and get better, but each time I feel depressed again, I wonder what the point is. Maybe it's because I had this fantasy that if I could just get the help I needed, I could be "fixed" and then live a happy life like "normal" people do.

Because actually, objectively, my situation is not that bad. I admit I'm pretty privileged and lucky compared to lots of people who have all kinds of misfortunes. But I can never escape these feelings of wanting to die, even in my best times. I think to myself in those times too, if I had a button I could press for quick and painless death, I would still press it, no matter how good things were. I guess no matter how hard I try, I can't escape my mental illness and trauma, even though it's not even that bad.

I had a therapist and went to therapy on and off for about four years (but fairly consistently), I saw two psychiatrists and took Wellbutrin, Buspar, then changed to Sertraline and Trazodone, but because I'm not that self-motivated or convinced, I would sometimes take the meds inconsistently or have gaps of withdrawal.
I've done the things people recommend—exercise, mindfulness/breathing exercises, socializing, eating healthy, having hobbies, etc. but when I lose routines, everything collapses. And I lose routines pretty easily because I'm not motivated. Or maybe a better word for it would be that I'm just still depressed, and I only keep up a routine when it seems like there's not other choice, so I just somehow mangle my way through.

Now, I haven't seen my therapist in a few months and I also kind of stopped taking my meds for a month now after taking them at a lower dosage for a bit. There's a lot of complicated feelings I have about it, but I'm also at that point of not really wanting to get better anymore.

Because I'm so tired of trying. Like others have said in this thread, the "better" I get to simply never lasts. What's the point of trying so hard when I'm just going to come back to this dark place again? I know there's no such fairytale-like happily ever after. But is it normal to collapse like this every few months or so?
And even when I am "better," I can't stand it. The way I can't live up to my own standards, my own selfishness, arrogance, and envy of others. The way that everything I have feels false, and the shallowness of my emotions. The happiness or contented feelings are so faint compared to painful desperateness that I feel when I'm depressed and anxious that I wonder if it's real at all.

Rather than trying again and again to reach something I can't reach, why not give up from the start? I refuse to believe that such shallow and fake feelings of content or happiness are what normal people feel all the time. Because if that's so, how can they bear to live? Wouldn't that just make me weak for not being able to cope with such a thing?

Anyway, I think like you too. Wouldn't I be able to recover if I just tried to get better, but I haven't been trying hard enough? But I'm starting to think I don't want to try anymore, even though I feel like CTB isn't an option because of many things I worry about (hello, anxiety).