I'm forty years old, male, and I have known that I would CTB for over twenty five years, I never made any attempts or anything, but instead I took a lot of risks with my health and with my personal safety by doing a lot of recreational drugs, drinking like a fish and generally just having no real concern for my own personal safety or self worth. I behaved in this way because I was suppressing my own childhood traumas and put simply, I just didn't want to deal with them or couldn't and I kind of hoped that my lifestyle choices or some of the dangerous situation I would put myself into, would take me before suicide ever did.
I always knew that I would CTB but after unexpectedly becoming a Dad at the age of 21. This made me rethink my plans. I decided that I wanted to get to the point where my son was at least 18 and when I felt that he didn't need me as much. My thinking was that he'd be ready to go live his own life at this point. That's what I knew to be, Plan A.
Plan B, had always been basically the same but I would wait until he was 21.
That maybe seems strange to others to understand but my thinking was that I didn't want him growing up without a Dad. I wanted to protect him from the traumas that I had grown up with and the confusion, guilt and shame that had destroyed my childhood years and that have defined my adult years. I felt that he was my reason to stay in this world and helping him to become a good man was my job, my goal and my purpose to remain here on earth. My son turned 18 some weeks back and he's turning into a good, strong, fun and moral man. I'm really really proud of him. In fact he's a better man than I ever was.
I plan to CTB very soon. Within the next 60/90 days or whenever I have everything worked out and ready to go. I want to have cremation arrangements made and paid for so I don't leave a mess for anyone else to organise. I've put allot of thought into other methods and I've done loads of research. My number one would be a gunshot, but it's hard to get legal guns where I'm from. Illegal guns can be purchased from gangs but are selling here for €10k for a pistol and there's a good chance of being robbed when buying it on the streets. And I don't want to leave my only son with no inheritance. It's not much, but I've saved like 15k/20k and it could give him a great start in life and my hope is that he lives a full and happy life.
So methods; because of location, Can't get N, CO is not practical, short suspension and tourniquet seem high risk of failure or being found too soon. Really don't want to end up a vegetable. And SN is hard for me to get a hold of, but it's interesting.
My plan is this. I've decided on a long drop hanging. I've purchased a good PP rope and I'll test the weight by jumping from a three meter height while safely having the rope carrying my entire weight. I weigh 70 kgs and I want to make sure it won't break or stretch too far.
When I have everything ready. I'll go to a remote wooded area that I like or a nice secluded seaside location with a big enough tree near the shores, maybe even a lake. I'll have the rope and I'll have a hammer and lots of 9 inch nails and a climbing harness.
I'll find the right kind of tree, climb it (using the hammer and nails) and plot a course to where I need to be in the tree.
I'll measure the drop of the rope and mark
It. Then I'll tie one end of the rope around the tree branch and I'll test the rope again to make sure neither it nor the tree branch don't snap on impact of the dead weight. I'll do the test from the branch at the correct height with rope secure to me by a climbing safety rig so it's gets my whole weight at impact without too much danger to me. Assuming all that's successful, I plan to make a noose in the rope at the marker I made for the drop requirement. I'm 70kg so I will need a 240 cm drop with the noose under my leaf ear to have enough force to snap my kneck.
Once I have everything ready and tested. I plan to sit up in the tree on the branch I'll be falling the required height from. At this point I'll take 5/10 grams of dried psilocybin mushrooms and I'll start to drink a bottle of good whiskey and maybe a few joints too. From there, I'll relax, watch as the sun rise and as I become drunk and drugged, I'll either intentionally jump or accidentally fall from the tree. My kneck will break and I'll be unconscious instantly if not instantly dead, but clinical death will happen within 20/30 mins max either way. No risk of being found where I'm planning to go so I don't see how it can't fail.
Open to anyone's thoughts on my plan and sorry for the long read
I always knew that I would CTB but after unexpectedly becoming a Dad at the age of 21. This made me rethink my plans. I decided that I wanted to get to the point where my son was at least 18 and when I felt that he didn't need me as much. My thinking was that he'd be ready to go live his own life at this point. That's what I knew to be, Plan A.
Plan B, had always been basically the same but I would wait until he was 21.
That maybe seems strange to others to understand but my thinking was that I didn't want him growing up without a Dad. I wanted to protect him from the traumas that I had grown up with and the confusion, guilt and shame that had destroyed my childhood years and that have defined my adult years. I felt that he was my reason to stay in this world and helping him to become a good man was my job, my goal and my purpose to remain here on earth. My son turned 18 some weeks back and he's turning into a good, strong, fun and moral man. I'm really really proud of him. In fact he's a better man than I ever was.
I plan to CTB very soon. Within the next 60/90 days or whenever I have everything worked out and ready to go. I want to have cremation arrangements made and paid for so I don't leave a mess for anyone else to organise. I've put allot of thought into other methods and I've done loads of research. My number one would be a gunshot, but it's hard to get legal guns where I'm from. Illegal guns can be purchased from gangs but are selling here for €10k for a pistol and there's a good chance of being robbed when buying it on the streets. And I don't want to leave my only son with no inheritance. It's not much, but I've saved like 15k/20k and it could give him a great start in life and my hope is that he lives a full and happy life.
So methods; because of location, Can't get N, CO is not practical, short suspension and tourniquet seem high risk of failure or being found too soon. Really don't want to end up a vegetable. And SN is hard for me to get a hold of, but it's interesting.
My plan is this. I've decided on a long drop hanging. I've purchased a good PP rope and I'll test the weight by jumping from a three meter height while safely having the rope carrying my entire weight. I weigh 70 kgs and I want to make sure it won't break or stretch too far.
When I have everything ready. I'll go to a remote wooded area that I like or a nice secluded seaside location with a big enough tree near the shores, maybe even a lake. I'll have the rope and I'll have a hammer and lots of 9 inch nails and a climbing harness.
I'll find the right kind of tree, climb it (using the hammer and nails) and plot a course to where I need to be in the tree.
I'll measure the drop of the rope and mark
It. Then I'll tie one end of the rope around the tree branch and I'll test the rope again to make sure neither it nor the tree branch don't snap on impact of the dead weight. I'll do the test from the branch at the correct height with rope secure to me by a climbing safety rig so it's gets my whole weight at impact without too much danger to me. Assuming all that's successful, I plan to make a noose in the rope at the marker I made for the drop requirement. I'm 70kg so I will need a 240 cm drop with the noose under my leaf ear to have enough force to snap my kneck.
Once I have everything ready and tested. I plan to sit up in the tree on the branch I'll be falling the required height from. At this point I'll take 5/10 grams of dried psilocybin mushrooms and I'll start to drink a bottle of good whiskey and maybe a few joints too. From there, I'll relax, watch as the sun rise and as I become drunk and drugged, I'll either intentionally jump or accidentally fall from the tree. My kneck will break and I'll be unconscious instantly if not instantly dead, but clinical death will happen within 20/30 mins max either way. No risk of being found where I'm planning to go so I don't see how it can't fail.
Open to anyone's thoughts on my plan and sorry for the long read
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